I was given MDMA and LSD tonight…
What a shit way to start a game of Scrabble.
But when I do, he laughs.
She gave me the finger. Then she ran into a cow. I tried.
I told her we use names now.
They don’t want to dialog
It doesn’t pay much but the tips are huge.
DAD: I’ll have the rabbit stew WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after I bring it … DAD: I’ll have the chicken
A polar bear
Because he felt his presents…
My family don't love me very much.
Was just at Walmart and saw a man who’s cart was full of sanitizers soaps wipes and toilet paper. I called him a selfish bastard and gave him a low down on the elderly, moms, and people who really need those things. I told him he should be ashamed of himself. He said “Are you done? Cuz I really need to get back to stocking the shelves…”
My son asked me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” I laughed, “That’s Superman.”
He said, “Thanks dad, I’ve been practicing a lot.”
Because they always keep their eyes peeled.
In the morning he was brought before their chief, who said "You invade our land white man, and we going to kill you. But, it is our tribe's custom to grant the condemned three wishes, one each morning for three days, before we kill you at sundown on the third day. So, white man, what do you want for your first wish?" "Just bring me my horse," the cowboy answered. They brought him his horse, he whispered in the horse's ear, slapped him on the butt and sent him off. That evening, the horse came back with a beautiful blonde woman riding. The cowboy went with her into a teepee, and the Indians grumbled "Typical white man, can only think of sex…" The next morning, the cowboy was brought to the chief again. "Today you get second wish, what should we do for you?" "Just bring me my horse." Again, the cowboy whispered to the horse and sent him off. That evening the horse returned with a redhead. As she and the cowboy entered the teepee, the Indians were facepalming again at the condemned white man who only wanted sex. On the third morning, the chief said "Well, white man, tonight at sundown you die. What do you want for your last wish?" "Just bring me my horse." With a sigh, the chief beckoned for the horse to be brought forth. The cowboy grabbed the horse's ear with both hands, and yelled into it: "POSSE! P-O-S-S-E!"
Quacks in the pavement.
me: No, I kinda just lie there. wife: THIS- [takes off doctor costume] this is why we never role play anymore!
May not be Nessie-ssary, but Beast of Loch to you!
The first one is always a bit weird, but you can always just eat it when no one is looking.
Crimes against piece
He’s become a Mister E…
They acts like they don’t exist until they want something.
The tree’s bark.
It's 150 minus the number of rolls of toilet paper you have at home.
You know when you get the wrong impression of people? I thought this: “Man, he petty.” But he just did my nails.
Your wife will never refuse an opportunity to blow your bonus.
coz switches be trippin,
A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes…
"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."
The Answer Will Shock You!
You don’t want it but your dad is going to give it you anyway
It’s not a very long poem, but it’s pretty deep.
Nasa is making a new earth, suggestions for new earth ??
You can hide but you can't run.
Like roman numerals.