I was going down on my girlfriend
Then I said 'Geez you got a big pussy! Geez you got a big pussy!' She said 'why did you say it twice?' and I said 'I didn't'".
Why is the horse so happy?
Because he lives in a stable environment.
What do seismologists eat for breakfast?
Panquakes and shakin'
I always lie behind my wife’s back and I hate it…
I want to be the little spoon too sometimes.
A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively “You’ve got great hair!” The man looked around but couldn’t see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.
A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say "You're a handsome man!" The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from. When he went back to his beer, the voice said again "What a stud you are!" The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what was going on. The bartender said "Oh, it's the nuts–they're complimentary."
I asked 100 women which kind of shampoo they used.
The number one answer was, "How the hell did you get in here?"
I hope she realises that ‘R’ is constant in the equation but not her boyfriend
https://ift.tt/2tQe5ZT
“Do you wanna hear a ghost joke?”
"DAD, please don…." "That's the spirit."
Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar…
She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor.
What does a pear tree do before growing it’s fruit?
It pre-pears
If a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment.
When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.50 a minute.
What’s the cheapest meat you can buy?
Deer balls, they’re under a buck… (Told to me by my 12yo son)
Why do teenagers always walk in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even
Murphy’s law states that if something bad can happen, it will.
Cole's law is basically just cabbage.
My grandfather who used to tell me knock knock jokes from since I was very little told me his last joke before he past away. This is it…
Him: Knock Knock Me: Who’s there? Him: Howard Me: Howard who? Him: Howard you like to be knocking for a change? This joke really made me laugh and I thought I’d share it with all you.
I never thought my baby daughter would go this far
Well, the catapult's fantastic!
A man applies to a government job, and he gets told this:
The interviewer asked him if he was allergic to anything. He replies " Yes caffeine, I can't drink coffee," "OK," the interviewer says " Have you been in the military?" The man answers " Yes I was in Iraq for two years." The interviewer says " OK that will give you 5 points toward employment," then he asks " Are you disabled in any way?" The man says " Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer says " OK, you are a disabled veteran. That adds 5 more points to your employment. You're hired. Work is from 8am to 4pm and we expect you here at 10am. The man says " Wait, if work starts at 8am, why should I come in at 10?" The interviewer replies " Well, for the first two hours we just drink coffee and scratch our balls. No point in you coming for that"
What’s Forest Gump’s password?
1Forest1
Nothing’s better than being 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, or 97 years old
Those are the years you’re in your prime
Believing only 12.5% of the Bible
Makes you an eighth theist.
[Announcement] If you keep spamming your youtube channels here then your post will be marked as spam.
Which means that you will not only be banned from posting to this sub but you may get a shadow ban from reddit. Shadow ban means that you will not be able to post anything to ANY subreddit. Just follow the rules before posting.
When I die I want my coffin to be made of onions.
My family don't love me very much.
If you don’t clean your dirty hair, you’ll get a louse.
If you don't clean your house, you'll get a dirty lair.
I was using the ATM when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance
So I pushed her over
Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary when Sam says to Becky,
“Becky, I was wondering if you’ve ever cheated on me?” Becky replies, “Oh, Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question…” “Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please…” “Well, all right, three times…” “Three, hmmm. When were they?” “Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start that business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, one day the bank manager himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked…” “Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So when was number two?” “Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you needed that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. Morris came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again…” “I can’t believe it, Becky, that you would do such a thing for me, to save my life… I couldn’t have a more wonderful wife… All right then, when was the third time?” “Well, Sam, remember a few years ago when you really wanted to be president of the fishing club and you were 98 votes short…”
I hate when people ask me where i see myself in 1 year
I don’t know I don’t have 2020 vision
At first I didn’t like having a beard
But then it grew on me
Knowing sign language could really come in handy.
No text found
[OC] A man was riding on a bus.
The police pulled the bus over and ordered him to get down.
How did the Sun get a job?
Because It had a lot of degrees.
What’s everyone doing next month?
Cause I’m not sure – I don’t have 2020 vision. You’re welcome, Dad
Why is it rude to fart in church?
Because of everyone else that has to sit in your pew.
Why do white girls always travel in odd numbers?
Because they "Literally. Can't. Even."