I was going to get a tattoo in Madrid, but the tattoo artist I wanted to go to got in trouble for making some anti government tattoo art, which was quite a surprise
No one expects the Spanish ink sedition
She said, "No thanks, there's already an asshole in there."
A four chin teller
Because x was always 10.
THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN OSLO!
No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee.
And why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting
It’s considered to be a personal fowl.
There were too many missed stakes
Sometimes he laughs.
Because they lactose.
Which takes the total number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "OK, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies." Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn." Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says, "Well. He certainly is your son!" The robot slaps the mother.
One minute you’re on a roll And the next minute, you’re taking shit from some asshole
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish
Looking at it now, I see why
Two dogs, a Doberman and a German Shepherd, are in the vet’s waiting room, and the German Shepherd says to the other “What are you in for?”
"Oh," says the Doberman, "I went for the postman. He said I ought to be put down, but my owner pleaded with him until he said that if she got me castrated instead then he wouldn't take it any further. So that's what I'm in for. How about you?" "Oh," says the German Shepherd, "my owner was cleaning the kitchen floor in her bathrobe, and while she was reaching for something under the fridge, her bathrobe fell off, and she looked and smelled so good that I mounted her then and there." "Oh," says the Doberman, "so you're in to be castrated as well?" "No," says the German Shepherd, "just to get my claws clipped."
The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.
They're the Tolkien white guys.
Doctor: I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus. Patient: I'm not into this astrology shit. Doctor: Me neither, my thermometer just broke.
In the morning he was brought before their chief, who said "You invade our land white man, and we going to kill you. But, it is our tribe's custom to grant the condemned three wishes, one each morning for three days, before we kill you at sundown on the third day. So, white man, what do you want for your first wish?" "Just bring me my horse," the cowboy answered. They brought him his horse, he whispered in the horse's ear, slapped him on the butt and sent him off. That evening, the horse came back with a beautiful blonde woman riding. The cowboy went with her into a teepee, and the Indians grumbled "Typical white man, can only think of sex…" The next morning, the cowboy was brought to the chief again. "Today you get second wish, what should we do for you?" "Just bring me my horse." Again, the cowboy whispered to the horse and sent him off. That evening the horse returned with a redhead. As she and the cowboy entered the teepee, the Indians were facepalming again at the condemned white man who only wanted sex. On the third morning, the chief said "Well, white man, tonight at sundown you die. What do you want for your last wish?" "Just bring me my horse." With a sigh, the chief beckoned for the horse to be brought forth. The cowboy grabbed the horse's ear with both hands, and yelled into it: "POSSE! P-O-S-S-E!"
During the Second World War hitler and his troops storm into a village and gather the people in the village to the square. Hitler wanted to shoot the people there but decided it was too boring. He came up with a game where the wifes would need to identify her man only by touching his dick. If she failed at this game, Hitler would kill her whole family. He ordered his troops to seperate them and put blindfolds on the women and open the dicks of the men. They call the first women to play the game, she goes "not mine, not mine, not mine, not mine, aah yes that one". She saves her husband and family. Next women comes "not mine, nope, no chance thats mine, nop, aha yes this is him". She also saves her family. This goes on for a couple more rounds and nobody dies, Hitler gets bored. To add some excitement he orders couple of his men to join the group, and then calls in the next women. She goes "not this, nope, not mine" then the turn comes to the soldier and she furiously shouts "Who the fuck is this?!"
Some are born with it while others have to get it pounded into them.
Because baggers can’t be choosers.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared. Then you energy…
She said, "Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace!" So I bought her . . . nothing.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
I love being a music teacher.
I asked the zoo keeper why there was a baguette in a cage and he said it was bread in captivity!
I told him “You can’t be Sirius”
I knew he meant well.
A dick has a sad life. His hair's a mess. His family is nuts. His next door neighbor is an asshole. His best friend is a pussy. His owner beats him habitually.
Then I could sleep longer.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?" "No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds. "Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both." "Fook off you liar!" "I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?" "Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"
I nearly fell off of my unicorn.