I was going to make a joke about Sodium but..
Na
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camo jacket
You can hide, but you canβt run.
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects ‘fuck’ to ‘duck.
You're still using fowl language.
Imagine if America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There'd be mass confusion.
Jews foreskin be like
[removed]
I named my dick sgt. Hartman.
Cause it's good at drilling privates.
The NYPD Bragged About a Big Pot Bust. Turns Out It Seized 106 Pounds of Legal Hemp.
https://ift.tt/2NQdAEZ
A Mexican magician said,
βI will disappear on the count of three! Uno…dos…β And he disappeared without a tres.
I call my penis ‘The Truth’.
Sometimes it hurts and most women can't handle it.
2 peanuts walked into a park
One was as-salted
What do you call a $1000 door?
A grand entrance
A bad workman always blames his foolsβ¦
Tools!! I meant tools!! Stupid keyboardβ¦
Why is the dark side of the moon dry?
Because the other side has all the moonshine
A Roman walks into a bar …
A Roman walks into a bar, says "I'd like a martinus." The bartender asks, "you mean martini?" "No, just one."
If you have a threesome
You have the recommended six feet between you.
People say that being a hostage is hard, but I donβt agree.
I can do that with my hands tied behind my back.
My dad just got a tattoo of a Thermos on his palm…
Now whenever someone tries to shake his hand he says "Don't you dare touch my thermos tat!"
Two deer walks out of a gay bar…
One says to the other, "I can't believe I just blew thirty bucks in there".
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain.
While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?' The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!' The Texan said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.' The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy.' The next morning, the Texan returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.' The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins..
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-Smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are "cremation" and "burial"
My brother didn’t like jail
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him and smeared the walls with his own faeces. After that, we never played Monopoly again.
My partner is learning about male genitalia and vasectomies
I told her there's a vas deferens between male and female genitalia
Apparently girraffes only sleep 3 hours a day.
They must neckered.
I always lie behind my wife’s back and I hate it…
I want to be the little spoon too sometimes.
I was in the library one day when a black man came up to me and asked me where the colored printers were.
I replied, "It's 2018, dude, use whatever printer you want."
People always told me my dyslexia would hold me back and I’d never be any good at poetry.
But they couldn't be more wrong. So far I've made two jugs and a vase.
I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 Seconds’ DVD.
It was here a minute ago.
Are you tired of boiling water every time you make pasta?!
Just boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later!!
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence. I got off pretty easy…
Knowing sign language could really come in handy.
No text found
Two male deer walk out of a gay bar…
One says to the other "I can't believe I just blew 20 bucks!"
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator
NASA was preparing for the Apollo project
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?" A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. The NASA PR people brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message. Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. His translation of the old man's message was: "Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land."
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you…
You have my Word.
Whatβs the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on
What sort of lights to Noah use on the Ark?
Flood lights