I was going to make a joke that I thought was really clean
But my mother told me that it wasn’t polished enough
But it’s definitely up there.
Confirm new password: Tomato Passwords don't match.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging out of his pants. The bartender asks “Do you realize you have a steering wheel in your pants?”
The pirate replies, “ Arrrgh, it’s drivin’ me nuts!”
My insanely witty five-year-old, ladies and gentlemen: Step-daughter: "I'm hungry." Me: "Nice to meet you, hungry, I'm dad." Her: "Ahhhhgh could you not say that anymore?" Me: "Aw why not, sweets?" Her: "Because I don't like it when you call me names like hungry or thirsty or anything!" Me: "Alright, I'm not going to say that anymore." Her: "Nice to meet you, not going to say that anymore." I had just been out-dad-joked by my five-year-old. It was so unexpected, and was the first time I think I recognized how hilarious she was with her wit. I really miss her (because of a divorce, not a funeral).
Because sin90 = cot45.
I love foreign axe scents.
why don't skeletons go trick or treating? Because they have nobody to go with haha
Nothing, it just lets out a little wine.
Blunt force trauma.
He says to the first Priest "I'm Jesus Christ." The Priest replies "No son, you're not!" So he says to the second "I'm Jesus Christ." He says "No son, you're not." The drunk says "Look I can prove it." He takes the two Priests into the bar. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and says "JESUS CHRIST YOU'RE HERE AGAIN!!!"
Interviewer: Well, to start out in the beginning, you will be at a $30,000 salary, but later that number could go up to $50,000 or even $60,000. Man: Ok, I’ll come back later then.
When it becomes apparent
6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby. Doc: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you! Woman: Oh god no, not my brother. He is an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doc: Denise. Woman: Well, that is not so bad. What did he call the boy? Doc: Denephew.
With a sea saw
I didnt want to be caught money laundering
…I'm not sure what I'd do with the other $299,999.75 though.
They acts like they don’t exist until they want something.
Which means the UK will still have a functioning government.
If you can’t come, let me know
My cremation is going to be epic.
… I was worried she'd be fatter than she looked in her pictures. Turns out he wasn't.
I woke up exhausted
Their number one answer was, “HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET IN HERE?!”
If they get to high they'll get busted
…emails will be flagged as "Mark has read"
does that make you an iWitness?
It’s because they look up to me.
Which is why I eat hotdogs in under 6 seconds… So it doesn't get weird.
Well, at least that's been my experience so far.
Because we shoot the ones who go to school.