I was going to make an alzhiemers joke
but I forgot it
I hear you’re hunting the Loch Ness monster.
May not be Nessie-ssary, but Beast of Loch to you!
I hate it when people think they can just waltz into my room..
When what I’m listening to is clearly in 4/4
After several dates, my girlfriend wanted me to meet her parents, so they invited me over for dinner. It did not go well…
During the meal, somebody started playing footsies with me under the table, then gradually moved up and kept rubbing until I came. Later, I told my girlfriend how much I had enjoyed the sexy play during dinner. She got so mad and said that it wasn't her. I guess I got off on the wrong foot.
Why do police get to protests early?
To beat the crowd.
Why is Yoda such a good Gardner?
Because he has green thumbs
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until
they are flashing behind you.
Patient: am I gonna be fine, doctor?
Doctor: I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus. Patient: I'm not into this astrology shit. Doctor: Me neither, my thermometer just broke.
A doctor says “The good news is it’s all in your head.”
"The bad news is it's brain cancer."
Halloween dad joke
why don't skeletons go trick or treating? Because they have nobody to go with haha
Master Po, why is kung fu so hard?
Grasshopper, have you seen the peace of the sunrise through the morning mists? –Yes, Master Po, I have seen this. Grasshopper, have you seen the patience of the crane as it stands still in the pond until a fish swims by? –Yes, Master Po, I have seen this. Grasshopper, have you seen the rushing water tumbling over the stones, and how the stones rest undisturbed despite the water? –Yes, Master Po, I have seen this. Grasshopper, have you seen the majesty of the full moon in the deep silence of the night? –Yes, Master Po, I have seen this. …Grasshopper? –Yes, Master Po. You should spend more time training and less time watching stupid shit!
One day a guy dies…
…and finds himself in hell. Walking around, he runs into the devil. Devil: Why are you so sad? Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell. Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man? Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Devil: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Diet Coke. We drink until we throw up and then we drink some more. Guy: Gee, that sounds great. Devil: You a smoker? Guy: You better believe it. Devil: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our friggin' lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay — you're already dead. Guy: Golly! Devil: I bet you like to gamble, too. Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do. Devil: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. You like to do drugs? Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean…? Devil: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of the Titanic. You can do all the drugs you want, and you'll never die — you're already dead. Guy: Neat! I never realized hell was such a happenin' place! Devil: You gay? Guy: No. Devil: Oh, you're gonna hate Fridays
Put a load in the dishwasher earlier
My wife prefers to call it intercourse
When i was a young boy my mom would always tuck me in,
She really wanted a daughter.
My town’s population never changes.
Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.
Why aren’t all oceans one depth?
They’re inconsistent seas.
At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.
Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything. "When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim." Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a round. When Tiger agrees, Stevie asks, "How about if we play for $10,000 a hole?" Tiger insists he couldn't possibly play him for money because of his sight handicap. But Stevie argues and badgers Tiger until Tiger finally relents. Stevie says, "You pick the place and I'll pick the time?" Tiger says, "Fine. Pebble Beach." Stevie replies, "Midnight!"
For her birthday, I gave my wife an alarm clock that swears at her instead of beeping.
She’s in for a rude awakening.
The best part about Islamic sex dolls
Is they can blow themselves up
I taught a wolf to meditate
Now he's aware wolf
My dad as we drive over train tracks.
I think a train has just passed by here…. Why do you say that dad? Well look there,points….you can see it's tracks.
Why do the French have small breakfasts ?
Because one egg is un oeuf.
Today I met a vegan girl who came out as a lesbian
She is truely Beyond Meat.
What is it called when a cannonball eats another cannonball?
Cannonball-ism
For Valentines Day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
Out of the 26 letters, only E got presents for Christmas.
The other letters were not-E.
Corona Beer sales falter amid Corona virus crisis
Guess their viral marketing strategy failed.
My family complains that I never talk during breakfast because I still read a newspaper.
You can say…. I’m behind The Times.
Had sex with my girlfriend a couple days ago..
My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago. She looked at me and said, "Turn the light off and stick it in my butt". I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first.
There’s a little-known legend about Attila the Hun…
The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign. But his snake lost its appetite, and soon stopped eating altogether; perhaps due to the stress of frequent travel and an irregular diet. Wishing to save his prized pet, Attila sought help from the local chirurgeons and witch doctors. None of them could do anything for him, until a wizened sage suggested feeding the serpent only young female virgins. Attila was pleased with this idea, and was delighted to find that a city he had raided just happened to have a Christian convent with a convenient supply of the recommended food for his pet. But the snake refused to eat, or even touch any of the consecrated virgins from the convent. Enraged, Attila sent for the soothsayer who advised him to have him executed. Standing before Attila, the old man calmly said, "Before thou killest me, may thee first bring the snake and one of the women to me." Curious, Attila did as he asked. Then the old man took some bread and gave it to Attila. "Now hold these in both hands," he instructed. Attila did so, and as soon as he did, the snake let out a terrifying hiss, and swallowed the virgin whole. To an amazed Attila, the old man simply said, "Thy anaconda don't want nun unless you've got buns, Hun."
Know why the shoe was drunk?
Too much socky.
I was watching porn with my girlfriend and she complained, “This is so unrealistic.”
I said, “Just because you’re unwilling to try new things, doesn’t mean everyone’s that frigid.” “Not that,” she explained, “It’s just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks.”
A bullet says he quit his job
He was actually fired
What do you call a zombie who stir fries?
Dead Man Wokking
What do you call a pumpkin that can slam dunk a basketball?
Michael Gourdan
Did you hear about the dwarf that escaped by rappelling from Alcatraz?
I would tell you, but it’s a little condescending.
The waterbed salesman called out to me: “NOW WITH SHIATSU MASSAGE!!!”
"Really?" I asked. "Sure!" he said. "Just fill it with tap water."