I was going to make an April Fools joke
But that was so yesterday
Everybody knows there are words only black people can say, but what can only white people say?
"Thanks for the warning, officer."
A horse walks into a bar…
The bartender said “Hey”, then the horse “you read my mind buddy.”
I opened a company selling landmines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, “So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?” The Lone Ranger responds, “I’d like to speak to my horse.” The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver’s ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful,naked blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger’s Tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he’s impressed. “You have very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?” The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse’s ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief’s surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a naked brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger’s tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. “You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow. “What is your last request?” The Lone Ranger responds,” I’d like to speak to my horse….ALONE.” The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger’s tent. Once they’re alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says: “Listen very carefully, you fcuking dickhead, for the last time………. . BRING POSSE!!!!”
I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length…
Must be some kind of milestone…
On Monday we start Diarrhea Awareness Week.
Runs until Friday.
I bet a butcher $20 that he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf…
He said "Sorry man. The steaks are too high."
Rare photo of Melania Trump genuinely smiling. Taken at the roast of Donald Trump.
https://ift.tt/2XXbsk2
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
To the guy who stole my antidepressants…
I hope you're happy now
A legit conversation today with my 2 1/2 year old son as we do our daily stroll past a train station that for once, has no trains stationed…
Son: Daddy, where is Thomas? Daddy: I don’t know, mate. Son: He must be working from home today. Is this his first dad joke?? Strange what they must be picking up from conversations. Got me good.
BJ for Sore Throat
"You don't look so good today, Bambi," said Barbie. "You're right," said Bambi. "I feel like I'm coming down with something. My throat really hurts." Barbie suggested, "You know, whenever I have a sore throat I give my husband oral sex and the next day I feel great." Bambi carefully considered this. The next day Barbie noticed that Bambi looked better. "You look much better today. Did you take my suggestion?" Bambi replied, "I sure did. It worked great. And your husband just couldn't believe that it was your idea!"
A rabbit is joyfully running through the forest…
…when he stumbles upon a skunk rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at the skunk and says, "Skunk my friend, why do you do this? Come and run with me through the forest! You'll feel so much better!" The skunk looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. They run until the get to an open field and come across a deer doing lines of coke. So the rabbit again says, "Deer my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel sooooooo good!" The deer looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and skunk. The three animals then come across a bear, heating some smack on a spoon, about to shoot up. "Bear my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you'll feel more alive then ever!" The bear looks at him, puts down his needle, and mauls and eats the little rabbit friend. The skunk and deer watch in horror and look at him and ask, "Bear, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help you." The bear answers, "That little assclown! He makes me run around the forest like a fucking idiot every time he's on ecstasy!"
Me: “I’m going to clone myself”
Dad: "that would be just like you".
The Greeks invented the threesome
But it was the Romans who thought of adding women.
My wife apologised for the first time today.
She said she was sorry she ever married me.
Just been in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask
I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?" She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."
A washed up actor hasn’t gotten a job in years. He has lost his ability to remember lines. But after looking for work for a very long time, finally he gets the lead role in a Broadway musical.
When he arrives at the theater the director tells him, "You have the most important part, but you only have one line. You walk onto stage with a rose; bring it close to your nose with your thumb, index, and middle fingers; and sniff it deeply. Then you will say, 'Oh, the smell of my lover.'" When it comes time for him to say his line he walks onto stage and says, "Oh, the smell of my lover." With this the crowd begins to laugh hysterically and the director explodes with anger. The actor runs off stage and asks, "Did I forget my lines?" The director replies, "No! You forgot the flower."
Today I had someone knock on my door asking for small donations towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water
What do you call a constipated Sherlock Holmes?
The no-shit Sherlock!
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived on the Bay they’d be bagels
Did you hear about the female rapper who only rapped when she was on her period?
They say she had a mean flow.
My neighbor stole my dictionary
I have no words
Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
How do you get Trump to change a lightbulb?
Tell him Obama put it in
My son wanted some girl advice, so I told him, “If you are intimidated by a date, remember one thing.”
They are just big raisins.