I was going to post a time traveling joke but you guys didn’t like it.
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My friend Lee told me he just found out his wife was pregnant
I told him, "It seems you are a father now, a parent Lee."
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, ‘Father, may I ask a favour?’
'Of course child. What may I do for you?' ‘Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?' 'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.' 'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.' When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?' 'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.' The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?' 'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Four mates go camping but they all hate to cook. So, they draw straws to see who cooks first. But, they agree that whoever cooks first will keep cooking until someone complains, and then the person that complains will take over cooking duties…
So, Dave draws the short straw and cooks on the first night. He puts in some effort and the mates are rapturous in their reviews. “Amazing” says John “Best meal ever” says Phil “I wish my wife could cook like this” says Sam. Dave is flattered but can see that they’re gaming him. So the next night he puts in no effort at all. “I didn’t think you could top last night but you have” says John “Have you been taking classes because this is phenomenal” says Phil “Keep cooking like this and I’ll marry you” says Sam. They all laugh but Dave knows that the whole trip will now be him cooking. The third night, Dave takes a dump, rolls it in spices and then fries it. He plates it up and hands out the plates. John’s teeth are the first to sink into the turd, and as his brain registers what it is, he spits it out and screams, “My god, this is SHIT!” He quickly looks at the three faces staring back at him and says “but beautifully cooked.”
A little girl opens the door to find a priest with a collection tin.
“What can I do for you, Father?” “I’m collecting for the orphanage.” “Just a moment,” says the little girl, closing the door. The priest waits patiently, then suddenly hears first one gunshot, then another. The little girl returns to the door and says: “OK, you can take me now.”
To the guy who invented zero:
Thanks for nothing!
How does a werewolf make bechamel sauce?
They start with a rooooooooouuuuuuuux!
My deaf wife just told me that “we need to talk.”
That was not a good sign.
I took my new girlfriend out on our first date to the ice rink, and entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.
My 6 month old son has his first milk shake today.
My wife was breastfeeding him during the earthquake.
Mality, Mality, Mality, Mality.
Now that we’ve got the four malities out the way, we can begin.
A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida.
She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. “Hello, sir, how are you?” “Fine, thank you,” he responded, and turned back to his book. “I love the beach. Do you come here often?” she asked. “First time since my wife passed away last year,” he replied, and again turned back to his book. “Do you live around here?” she asked. “Yes, I live over in Suntree,” he answered, and then resumed reading. Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. “Do you like pussycats?” With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life! As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, “How did you know that was what I wanted?” The man replied, “How did you know my name was Katz?”
I made $60.25 sucking dicks last night
Dude 2: lol, who gave you the quarter? Dude 1 : they all did.
Thanos seems a lot like a pessimist to me
Y'know, the 'universe half empty' kind of guy
A man with 5 legs put on pants
They fit like a glove
When you die, which body part dies last?
The pupils, they dilate.
What’s the difference between a dad and a grill?
A grill runs out of gas
My friend David lost his ID.
Now he's just Dav.
Why did the ‘A’ go to the bathroom and come out an ‘E’?
It had a vowel movement.
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make things interesting.”
So we stopped playing chess.
Hey Bob, do you shower after sex
Hey Bob, do you shower after sex? Well, of course I do. Great, could you please get laid more often?
I was asked to name all the US Presidents yesterday.
Didn't they already have names?
The inventor of the throat lozenge has died.
There will be no coffin at his funeral…
What’s the worst thing a woman can hear after giving Willie Nelson a blowjob?
"I'm not Willie Nelson."
Why are mathematicians always so happy?
Because the root of their negativity is imaginary.
For years, my parents sent me to a child psychologist
That kid didn’t help me at all.
Four-year-old son unknowingly got me with this one
Me: We need to put on our jackets because it's a little cold outside today. Son after stepping outside: No Dad, it's a big cold
My Wife is freaking out about this coronavirus. She made me promise I’d put the mask on before I left for work this morning……
Now I’m two hours late and I don’t even like Jim Carey
There’s a new razor designed for dyslexics…
It's the best thing since sliced beard…
Nurse: “My phone just died.”
Doctor: “Let’s call it.”
A crusty old man walks into the local Lutheran Church and says to the secretary, “I would like to join this damn church.”
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!" "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church." And with that said, the secretary leaves her desk and walks into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" "There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money." "I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
An Irish Daughter…
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her. Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru? The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff….dad….I became a prostitute…." "Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family." "OK, dad– as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million." "For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club….(takes a breath)….and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and…." Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad. Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff….a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff." "Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug.
If Medusa, King Midas, and Oedipus raised a child together
That would be one stone, gold motherfucker