I was going to tell a time-travel joke
but you guys didn't like it
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. “Cold floors,” he says. They nod and send him away. Seven years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words.
He clears his throat and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
I started carrying a gun after an attempted mugging a few years ago….
…since then my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Why does Batman wear dark colors? Thats easy, Batman doesent want to get shot. Why does Robin wear bright colors?
Thats easy… Batman doesent want to get shot.
My wife didn’t think I’d give our daughter a silly name…
But I called her Bluff…
A man, a dog, and a goat are the only survivors of a shipwreck
They end up on a deserted island. After a few weeks, the man is feeling very lonely and starts looking at the goat in a new light. One day he tries to have his way with it but the dog growls and scares him off. He goes to sleep unsatisfied. The next day he tries again, but the dog is there, growling and threatening to attack if the man gets too close to the goat. The man grows frustrated. One day, he sees a ship foundering off the coast. He is able to save someone from drowning. He gets them to shore and discovers it’s a beautiful woman. She comes to and says “Wow, you saved my life. I’ll do anything to thank you. Anything.” The man can’t believe his luck. He looks at her and his mind reels with the possibilities. “Would you mind holding this dog for a minute?”
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
Dr. Frankenstein asks Igor if he knows where his monster wandered off to.
Igor responds, "I'm not sure, but I have a hunch."
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
It Snowed last so I made a Snow man
8:00 am: I made a snowman. 8:10 – A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman. 8:15 – So, I made a snow woman. 8:17 – My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere. 8:20 – The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead. 8:22 – The transgender man..women…person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts. 8:25 – The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with. 8:28 – I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white. 8:31 – The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up . 8:40 – The Police arrived saying someone had been offended. 8:42 – The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role. 8:43 – The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction. 8:45 – TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist. 9:00 – I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather. 9:10 – I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services. 9:29 – Protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested. Moral: There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes. EDIT: For those you who seem to be angered by it, I'm saying the joke Ironically, alright? Sheesh people
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following: Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! . Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.' The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!" She retorted indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!" 'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '..
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have little anty bodies
What award did the inventor of the knock knock joke win?
The No bell prize.
Is sex a joke?
If it is, I don't get it
How would you spot a blind man at a nude beach?
It's not hard
A teacher says to her class one day, “Whoever answers my next question, can go home.”
A boy throws his bag out the window. The teacher asks, “Who just threw that?” The boy says, “Me! I’m going home now.”
After you die, what part of the human body is the last to stop working?
Your pupils; they dilate.
I’m okay with smoking, alcohol, and marijuana.
But cocaine is where I draw the line.
My friend told me he hated blue cheese because it’s literally just cheese with bacteria.
I told him to stop discriminating against other cultures.
My friend in Alabama lost his Mom, his Sister, and his Wife in a car accident.
He really loved that woman.
Bought a dog from a blacksmith and as soon as I got it home…
…it made a bolt for the door.
What’s another name for Vampires?
Neck-romancer
What did the mamma llama say to the baby llama said he was out of lunch money?
"Alpaca lunch for you”
My wife accused me of hating all of her relatives.
I told her "That is not true, in fact I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."
My cousin who stutters was sentenced to 6 months in prison
That was two years ago, but he still hasn’t finished his sentence
Do you know the worst thing about the fire in Paris?
There's Notre Dame thing we can do about it
There are three stages of sex after marriage:
Tri-weekly. Try weekly. Try weakly.
A Chinese child was born before his due date…
His parents named him "Sudden Lee"
I showed up late to the Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting.
Needless to say, all the seats were already taken.
Why is an island like the letter T?
because it’s in the middle of water
Most people don’t know…
…but back in 1912, Hellmann’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.
Doctor: Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news?
Patient: Good news please. Doctor: we're naming a disease after you.