I was having a shit on the train when some bloke knocked on the door.
He said ‘can I see your ticket please?’
‘Not right now, I’m having a shit’ I shouted back.
‘I don’t believe you, can you slide it under the door?’ He snapped back annoyedly
‘Sure thing, no problem. The yellow bits are sweet corn’ I said
Spoiler Alert!
https://imgur.com/0oRfgob
Sad News: The founder of /r/jokes has passed away
RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74
Last night I was banging a vegan, who seemed kinda familiar…
Then it dawned on me, I've been in herbivore.
Got my first date of 2020 already lined up
I mean, its a court date but its still a date and I am getting dressed up
– I wish I was a billionaire, just like my dad
Oh, so your dad was a billionaire? No, he also wished he were.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing so his friend calls 911
''My friend is dead! What should I do?" The operator replies, "Calm down sir, first make sure that he's really dead." There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, Ok, now what?
I hope that when Kim Kardashian goes to the beach, she doesn’t swim.
The last thing we need is more plastic in the ocean.
Fun fact you can’t breath while smiling.
Just kidding I just wanted to make you smile 🙂
Why was F jealous of C?
Because it was hotter
There is this guy who has a 25-inch dick
He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his dick smaller because he just can’t please the ladies with it being so big. He hasn’t found a lady yet who likes it and he can’t get any pleasure. She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog. When he finds the frog, he is to ask it to marry him. If the frog says “no,” his cock will shrink five inches. He goes into the woods and finds this frog. He asks, “Frog, will you marry me?” The frog says, “No.” And his prick shrinks five inches. The guy thinks to himself, Wow, that was pretty cool. But, it’s still too big. So he goes back to the frog and again asks the frog, “Frog, will you marry me?” Frog: “No, I won’t marry you.” The guy’s dick shrinks another five inches. But that’s still 15 inches and he thinks it is still just a little bit too big. He thinks that 10 inches would be just great. He goes back to the frog and asks, “Frog, will you marry me?”. Frog: “How many times do I have to tell you? No, no, NO!!!”
I bumped my elbow digging for gold.
It was a miner injury.
So a doctor has sex with one of his patients…
And is feeling pretty down about it. On his left shoulder appears a devil. The devil consoles him saying "Hey man, don't even worry about it. Doctors have sex with their patients all the time. You are definitely not the only one." Then on his right shoulder appears an angel who says "Come on man! You're a vet!!"
What’s the opposite of isolate?
You so early
The NFL has this obscure rule where players aren’t allowed to own pet ducks.
It’s considered to be a personal fowl.
I told my psychiatrist that I’ve been hearing voices
He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist
Why can’t a newborn be fooled?
Because he wasn't born yesterday
To whoever stole my copy of microsoft office.
I will find you. YOU HAVE MY WORD!
I like my women like i like my toasters
Turned on and in the bath tub with me
Some day, Canada will take over the world.
And then we'll all be sorry.
Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance,
Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much. “I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.” She said, “Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant penis.” Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait so Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touch teasing, holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, “You told me your penis was the size of an infant!” “Yes it is: 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!”
Anyone need a slutty costume for Halloween?
Just dress up as one of my professors, they barely cover anything
Two men are roommates in a hospital. Because they are both weak from sickness, the men are unable to speak for weeks.
Finally, one man says to the other, “American.” His roommate replies, “Canadian.” Another week goes by and the first man says weakly, “Danny.” The roommate can only reply, “Phil.” Another week passes and the first man mutters to his roommate, “Cancer.” His roommate replies back, “Virgo.”
Did you hear the one about the giant throwing up?
It’s all over town.
I can’t believe someone stole my limbo pole the other day…
I mean, how low can you go?
I suffer from really bad migraines.
Which is better than suffering from really good ones.
What does a cardiologist like for dinner?
Doesn’t matter, as long as it’s hearty.