I was having sex with my friend’s wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.
She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me…
What did Charizard say to Pikachu?
Charizard
R Kelly is really changing the rap game
He takes the art out of rap artist
I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.
Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
Today I learned: The writer Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I’m not joking, but he is.
I went to get tornado insurance for my camp site, but the bank refused.
They said, “If your tent gets blown away, you won’t be covered.”
Right before I die, i’m going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels.
My cremation is going to be epic.
How does every racist joke start?
With a look over your shoulder
Why couldn’t the sailor play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck!
My mother used to say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach…
Lovely woman, useless surgeon…
I hate it when people call their girlfriend their “partner in crime”
We get it man she’s underage
I told my friends I have a girlfriend…
They all laughed at me and told me she is isn't real. Well Jokes on them because neither are they
My boyfriend keeps talking about overthrowing capitalism in a violent revolution…
Could this be a red flag?
Dad joke: So I saw this dude walking around with a long pole. I asked him, “Are you a pole vaulter”?
He said "Nein, I am ze German… but tell me, but how did you know my name ist Walter?"/
I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement.
Well, at least I think they're vegans. They keep shouting : "Lettuce Leaf!"
Ladies, If your fella can’t appreciate a good fruit joke.
You need to let that mango.
I like my women like I like my toasters.
Turned on and in the tub with me.
Warning, this is a huge spoiler
https://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/0699/6735/products/mini-wing-spoiler_copy_x1400.jpg?v=1508404270
A new element was discovered!
Scientists’ initial findings on the new substance had lead them to believe it was highly explosive, however they simply could not determine what forces were to trigger this reaction. They dropped it from the highest cliffs, and crushed it in the deepest oceans. They tried igniting in it the sunniest of locations, and in the darkest of crevasses. They subject it to the hottest temperatures they could muster, both natural and manmade. And yet, the material was unwavering, refusing to yield to any force…until a scientist suggested the impossible. “What if it only explodes when it’s really cold?” Out they set to test the theory. Sure enough, as the temperature grew ever colder, the element began to show signs of degradation. Excitedly, they began pushing the temperatures even further into the freezing zone. As the temperatures reached nearer and nearer to 0 Kelvin (absolute cold), the element continued to increasingly react. Finally, when the temperature reached approximately that of 0 K, there was a blinding flash as the element exploded before their eyes, leaving a gaping hole on the laboratory bench. As the applause from the team of scientists began to die down, relieved of finally solving the mystery, one of the senior scientists boldly asked, “so what do we name this newfound element?”. Amongst the thought that ensued, one of the younger scientists was quick to make a suggestion… “0 K Boomer”
A good percentage of my friends are Nazis…
0% of my friends are Nazis, and thats a good percentage.
Went to see The Joker last night and some guy dressed in a full clown outfit held the door open for me into the theater
I thought it was a nice jester
My grandpa always said, “Always try to be the fish going against the current.”
Good man. Got electrocuted every day though.
Puns make me numb….
But math puns make me number.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised!
Wife: “I shaved down there. You know what that means…”
Husband: "Yeah, the drain is clogged again."
How do you fix a broken pumpkin?
With a pumpkin patch!
Ruin a quote by attributing it to the wrong person
"Don't cry because it is over. Smile because it happened." -Adolf Hitler, 1945
