I was having sex with my friend’s wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.
She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me…
My 8 yr old son asked me to buy him a Lamborghini
I told him by the time he got his license and was old enough to drive it, it would be a Sheeporghini
Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day …
Give a man a poisoned fish, and you’ll feed him for a lifetime!
Joke
My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?” – We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.
I’ve been asking people what LGBTQ means
But no one has given me a straight answer
What kind of doctor was Dr. Pepper?
A fizzicision
Smoking will kill you. And Bacon will kill you. But…
Smoking Bacon will Cure it.
Bartender job description
Basically you’re a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
What’s a horses favorite alcoholic beverage?
Chardoneigh
Why do dragons sleep at day time?
So they can fight knights.
I wanted to tell a cashier joke.
But I didn't think it would register.
I got the words “jacuzzi” and ” yakuza” confused.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia
A blind man enters a ladies bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke sir, you should know five things…. 1 – The bartender is a blonde girl. 2 – The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3 – I'm a 6 feet tall, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4 – The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter. 5 – The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler. Now think about it seriously Mister, do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and says, "Nah…. not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
What Christmas song do they sing in the psychiatric hospital?
Do you see what I see?
For people on this sub who are thinking of getting married, consider this carefully before you do.
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring. On the other hand, you don’t.
What do you call a helpful lemon?
Lemonaid
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket…
You can hide but you can't run!
Why did the medium cross the road?
To speak to the other side!
Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippy?
Because he was too far out man
I wanted to write a joke about restraining orders.
This is as close as I could get though.
“So is that a gun in your trousers or you are just happy to see me ?”
"Both , now get in the van ."
Did you hear about the photographer who went to jail,
I heard that he was framed.
What side of a chicken has the most feathers?
The outside.
I got into a car accident with a little person.
He got out and said, "I'm not happy!" So I asked, "Well, which one are you, then?"
A grape wakes up in an Australian hospital
A grape wakes up in an Australian hospital, and asks, "Did you bring me here to die?" The nurse replies, "Nah mate, we brought you here yesterday."
My best mate told me he was totally into Beyonce.
I said "whatever floats your boat mate" He said "No, thats buoyancy"
I taught my kid speed reading and I’m proud to say that he managed to finish “Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone” in an hour and a half.
I know it’s only six words, but it’s a start.
I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised I picked up a stranger and asked. “Thanks but why’d you pick me up? How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I told him the chances of two serial killers in one car would be astronomical.
Last night I lost my watch at a party.
Later on I saw some guy harassing a woman while standing on it, so I walked up and punched him in the face. Nobody does that to a woman…. not on my watch
My friend was bragging about his new L-shaped sofa, so I told him I had one too.
It was just lowercase.
What do you call Bigfoot in Europe?
Big Meter.
What’s an opinion without 3.14?
An onion