I was just voted “Least Likely to Succeed” by my graduating class.
I hate being a teacher.
How do you catch a bra?
Well, first, you gotta set a boobie trap…
What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?
Guardians of the Galaxy.
I got an email saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backward.”
And I thought, “that’s just spam”.
A girl saw her boyfriend flirting with other girls at the gym
She walked up to him and said this isn’t working out.
Bigger in Texas
A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!” “Everything is big in Texas,” says the bellhop. The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!” The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.” After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender. The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”
What type of music do windmills like?
I heard they're big metal fans.
What’s the difference between a step stool and a 3D printer?
The former is a latter and the latter is a former.
What did the light house keeper do when he lost his job?
He became a maid, he was already accustomed to performing light house work.
The Chinese Doctor & The Lawyer
A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 – IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.' An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of taste.' Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth.' Lawyer: 'Ugh. this is kerosene.' Chinese: 'Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20.' The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money. Lawyer: 'I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.' Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth.' Lawyer (annoyed): 'This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.' Chinese: 'Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20.' The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100. Lawyer: 'My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all.' Chinese: 'Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100.' Lawyer (staring at the note): 'But this is $20, not $100!!' Chinese: 'Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20'
I tell dad jokes, but I don’t have any kids…
I'm a faux pa.
You know the thing about holy water
I don't see the use of water with holes
What’s the easiest food to eat?
A piece of cake.
Do you want to know why I love this floor?
It's always been so supportive.
When did bugs become potatoes?
What if like a ladybug got all dusty and stopped flying and became a Potatoe bug?
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg.
me: [flashlight under chin] they say a witch cursed this house 100 years ago today!
[100 years ago] witch: fuck this house
What do you call a caveman that wanders around aimlessly?
A meander-thal.
I saw a man in the street with a dog and a white stick. I said ‘You must be blind.’ He said ‘Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.’
So I said ‘There’s a tree over there.’
What has two butts and kills people
An assassin
I can’t go out to buy drapes for my windows…
These are uncurtain times
My girlfriend walked out on me for being too old fashioned…
I thought we had good alchemy…
Went to the zoo yesterday with my family and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity
There was once a cross eyed teacher
They couldn’t control their pupils
My favorite sex position is called WOW.
It’s where I flip your MOM over.
What do you call a cheap prostitute?
Quarter pounder.
Why is suicide illegal in china?
Destruction of state property
Just a random thought
Just a random thought
Why I’m divorced.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday,' and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.’ I thought …. well, that's marriage for you, but the kids …. they will remember. My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for work I felt pretty low and somewhat dejected. As I walked into my office, my hot boss, sam, said, 'Good morning, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when sam knocked on my door and said, 'It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.' I said, 'Thanks, sam, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!' We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two red wines each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, sam said, 'It's such a beautiful day … we don't need to go straight back to work, do we?' I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?' She said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner. After arriving at her house, sam turned to me and said, 'If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday.' And I just sat there …. on the sofa …. naked.
How do you turn soup into gold?
Add 24 carrots
I have a lot of unemployment jokes
But none of them work
I just caught my husband asking somebody for dating advice…
He's just not sure that radiocarbon is the most reliable method.
People think that being a taxi driver with dyslexia is difficult.
It's as easy as C, A, B.
Bear with me
How do I get rid of it?