I was just voted “Least Likely to Succeed” by my graduating class.
I hate being a teacher.
A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.
Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. There was dead silence… the rest of the year went quite smoothly.
Did you know there was a Knight who always refused to fight in battle?
His name was Sir Render.
I’ve genuinely lost my voice
Said no one, ever
Went to the zoo yesterday with my family and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity
A blind woman told me I had a big dick
She was just pulling my leg.
Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex?
They were watch dogs.
Got my first date of 2020 already lined up
I mean, its a court date but its still a date and I am getting dressed up
I saw a sign that said “Rest area 25 miles”…
I thought,wow, that's pretty big
A magician worked on a cruise ship…
….the audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, It’s not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot. Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it … With the parrot… They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day… And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said….."Alright, good one but i can't take it any longer, what did you do with the ship???"
If you’re surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide
Imagine how surprised he must have been.
Why do nurses always bring red crayons to work?
In case they need to draw blood
Put a load in the dishwasher earlier
My wife prefers to call it intercourse
I was fired from my job as a Zoo Keeper after all the animals died
In my defence, all the signs did say "Don't feed the animals"
Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.
It’s my longest running joke of the year.
When I want a sauna I must have the whole thing to myself.
I have selfish steam issues.
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.
It was sole destroying.
A guy with wet feet enters a bar
The barman asks : Why are your feet wet? The guy says: I went into the lake to get wood. A second guy enters the bar and is wet from the knees to the toes. The barman asks: Why are you wet? The second guy says: I went into the lake to get wood. A third guy enters the bar and is wet from the hips to the toes. The barman asks: Why are you wet? The third guy says: I went into the lake to get wood. A fourth guy enters the bar and is completly wet. The barman says: I guess you went into the lake to get wood?! The fourth guy says: No. I'm Wood !
My wife is really angry because I have no sense of direction
So I just packed up my things and right
I just read a joke about Oedipus and Midas.
It was mother fucking gold
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: Whos car is this, where are you taking it and what do you do for a living? Miner: Mine
Did you hear about the cheese factory explosion in France?
All that was left was de Brie.
I bought some sneakers from my drug dealer
I’m not sure what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Bro, can you pass me that leaflet?
Brochure.
What was Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination?
HAND EEEEEEEEYE!!!….
Why was Yoda afraid of seven?
Because six, seven eight.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline’s a motherf*cker.
You should send a picture of your ex to NASA.
Apparently they are desperate to get a photo of A hole that sucks all your time and energy.
If your here for pee jokes, urine luck
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After watching me read “War and Peace”, my son asked me, “Dad, why is the book so thick?”
Me: Well, it’s ……a long story.
I don’t mind maths.
But it is graphs where I draw the line.
Will glass coffins become popular?
Remains to be seen.
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door
"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
It doesn’t matter how many times you fall, it’s how many times you get back up!
"That's not how field sobriety tests work." replied the police officer
A guide on how to fall down the stairs:
Step 1, Step 2, Step 3, Step 6, Step 12
Two surgeons are in an operating room…
One has a large cut. The second surgeon asks “would you like me to stitch that up for you?” The first surgeon says “no thanks, I’d prefer to close my own wound” The second surgeon replies “suture self”