I was once attacked by a group of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
Ask Reddit be like “If you could have sex with any celebrity, dead or alive, who would it be?”
I'd choose alive. Weirdo.
I just cross-bred an alligator and a homing pigeon.
I expect that'll come back to bite me.
I rarely tell dad jokes
But the times when I do, he laughs
I’m not sure why my heating bill is so high?
If you’d like to come over to offer me any advice my door is always open
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye matey! Courtesy of a 7 year old in my class.
Bamboo is an invasive species in my area that spreads quickly, can take over your yard, and is very hard to get rid of.
That's why they don't call it bamhooray.
What is the definition of a will?
Come on guys it's a dead giveaway
My wife is really mad at the fact I have no sense of direction…
So I packed up my stuff and right.
My friend can’t afford to pay his water bill anymore.
So I sent him a card, “Get well soon.”
What do you call calculators with knives attached?
Texas Instruments of Torture.
My grandpa told me “All you kids do these days is play video games.”
“When I was your age”, he continued, “my buddies and I went to Paris, We went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, pissed on the bartender and didn’t pay for my drinks all night!” The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the Moulin Rouge with his friends. He comes back only three days later covered in bruises, and with a broken arm. The grandfather asks, “What the hell happened to you?” The grandson says, “I did just like you did. I went to the Moulin Rouge; I tried to fuck a dancer on stage and piss on the bartender — but they beat the shit out of me and stole all the cash in my wallet!” The grandfather says, “Well who the hell did you go with boy?” The grandson says, “My friends from school, who did you go with?” The grandfather says, “Well…the Nazis.”
What do you call a cage without five cents in it?
A nickeless cage.
I went to the doctors wanting a brain transplant
They changed my mind
A boy scout went around his neighborhood looking for a job…
A boy scout went around his neighborhood looking for a job… "I'll pay you $20 to paint my porch," said one neighbor. The scout agreed and went to work. A few hours later, the scout knocked on the neighbor's door and said, "I'm all finished, but your car is a Mercedes, not a Porsche."
My girlfriend broke up with me so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back to me.
Got my first date of 2020 already lined up
I mean, its a court date but its still a date and I am getting dressed up
Your Duck is Dead !!
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
My brother and I are on a tight deadline to make a bunch of Dracula action figures.
I have to make every second Count.
My Grandfather has the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the zoo
Casualty of War
https://ift.tt/2K74qmF
I went to a gender reveal party.
It wasn't quite what I thought it would be. My host told me to put my pants back on and get the hell out of there.
One day I would love to have sex in Space.
Or on Earth.
Why does seaguls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay, they would be bagels.
What did the atom say when it kept losing electrons?
I really need to keep an ion them.
I never wanted to believe, that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home,
All the signs were there.
I love taking my blind daughter out for a drive.
Every time I hit a speed bump, I tell her it was a dog.
I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth on a gram.
I was – like – 0MG.
I recently switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack….
She hasn't realized it yet, but the thyme is cumin.
You should send a picture of your ex to NASA.
Apparently they are desperate to get a photo of A hole that sucks all your time and energy.
I have a friend who was born on May 7th. Every year for his birthday I re-gift him a pristine 3 foot long fence pole. He hates it, but I have a perfect record.
It might be stupid, but it's a perfect 5/7, wood repost again.
I don’t like people that take drugs.
Airport security, for example.
Two surgeons are in an operating room…
One has a large cut. The second surgeon asks “would you like me to stitch that up for you?” The first surgeon says “no thanks, I’d prefer to close my own wound” The second surgeon replies “suture self”
Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?
Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.
My wife was mad at me because she said I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right
My aunt’s star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died
She was eaten by a giant crab
At first, I wasn’t so sure about keeping a beard, but
It has grown on me
A young lad is tending a bar in a Western saloon, when a red-faced man barges in.
"Quick, everyone!" the man shouts. "Big Frank is coming!" A panic ensues. Chairs are thrown as people try desperately to be the first to leave. One mother just drops her baby on the floor, picks up her skirts, and runs. Several people are badly injured, but eventually the young lad is the only one left. He decides to stay. If he beats this so-called Big Frank, he'll be a hero. After waiting for a solid hour, he finally hears a horse's hooves on the ground outside. Soon, the largest man he has ever seen is squeezing through the door. He has an enormous moustache and a smell that almost makes the young lad throw up. "Gimme a whiskey!" bellows the man. Trembling, the lad pours the man a drink. He knocks it back in one gulp. "Gimme another!" The lad ends up giving the man nine drinks, after which the man still looks totally sober. "Another!" he yells. "You– You have to pay for the drinks you've already had," stutters the lad. The man stares the lad right in the eye. "I'll make you a deal, kid. Let's arm wrestle. If you win, you get everything I own. If I win, I get as many free drinks as I want." "D– Deal," he replies, staring at the man's disgustingly huge muscles. After a long struggle, the lad somehow finds the strength and motivation in him to beat the huge man. They're both in shock, but the big man eventually says, "Alright, kid. All my land and possessions are yours." "Gee, thanks!" says the young lad. I'll be a legend when I tell everyone about this! he thinks. The man says, "Here's your money. I should get going anyway. Aren't you coming?" "No. Why would I?" "Jesus Christ kid, haven't you heard?! Big Frank is coming!!"
