I was performing a standard, run-of-the-mill pharmaceutical experiment until the number of placebo patients reached zero,
A Muslim man came to the USA many years ago.
He found love, got married and had a son. The son eventually graduated University, found a wife, got married and moved away for job reasons. Unfortunately, one day the old man's wife passes away, leaving him alone in his house with a huge garden. After a lot of grief, the man has the idea of bringing the garden to new life. However, not being young anymore, it seems like an impossible task for him alone. He writes to his son: "My dear son, after your mother's death, I am finally ready to move on. I'd like to bring our old garden to new life. Unfortunately, the task seems to be too much for an old man like me. I know you're busy with work and family, but maybe you could help me with digging over the old patches. This would help a lot. Love, your father." Some time later he receives a short message from his son: "Father. Please keep away from the patches. It's where I hid the 'Thing'. Your son." The next morning, combined forces of FBI, NSA and HS invade the property and the neighborhood. They start questioning everyone and search the man's garden inch after inch, soil layer after soil layer. In the evening, they still haven't found anything and finally give up. The man receives another message from his son: "Dear Father, I'm glad that you want to move on after Mom's death. Work and family prevent me from visiting you right now, but after the recent visit of the authorities your garden should be dug over and ready for renewal. That's the best I could do at the moment. Love, your son."
Nuts
What is the difference between Beer nuts and Deer nuts? Beer nuts are about $1.98 and deer nuts are under a buck
I got fired from my job at the bank today.
An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
We tried Plan a, b, c, d but none have worked.
But, Plan e just might take off
We’ll we’ll we’ll
If it isn't autocorrect
A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.
There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.” The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have.” Poof! The jewels appear. “For my second wish, I want karma. Lots of karma.” Poof! The karma appears. The genie stares at the teacher, waiting for the third wish. “I can give you anything in the world,” he says again. The teacher thinks for a long time. “As a teacher, I always hated careless mistakes from my students. I noticed that I accidentally wrote ‘lamb’ instead of ‘lamp.’ Please correct my mistake.” The genie moaned in anguish. “This is Reddit,” he shouted. Once you post it, you can’t edit the title. “In that case,” the teacher smiled, “It looks like I’ve got myself a genie for eternity.”
My doctor said that I might die because I accidentally consumed clay.
I'm shitting bricks to be honest.
A snail was told he would go faster if he took his shell off………
…… but it just made him more sluggish!
Why do you sneak around in leather armor?
Because it is made of hide.
I think Tumblr banning porn has already backfired
Now more of their users are getting off than ever.
My obese parrot died..
It was sad, but it was a huge weight off my shoulders..
Why doesn’t Kim Jong Un have a girlfriend?
Because he's too focused on his Korea.
What do you call a cow in your garden?
A lawnmoower
A guy walks into a bar…
notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?" "Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money…" The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?" "Pay first. Those are the rules," says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar. "O.K.," the bartender says. "Here's what you need to do: First, you have to drink an entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there is pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there's a 90 year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've got to make things right for her." The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then do those other things!" "Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is." As time goes on the man has a few drinks, then a few more, and he asks, "Where's zat tequila?" He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a few big slurps. Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then silence. Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body. "NOW," he says, "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"
Singing in the shower is great until you get shampoo in your mouth
Then it's a soap opera
ABCDEFGHIJKLMNQRSTUVWXYZ
If you came here looking for an OP, you got it.
The great thing about your parachute not deploying
Is that you have the rest of your life to fix it.
Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?
Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.
Authentic genuine 1964 boomer humor found in a men’s magazine in a secret wall stash
https://ift.tt/2YmQDhV
“Do you tell your husband when you have an orgasm”?
"No, he doesn't like to be disturbed at work".
Did you heard about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything.
They were pirates of the car I be in.