I was pouring morning coffee from our bodem and my wife noticed I poured mine first and asked why
I told her this way, she won’t have any grounds for divorce.
Now give me my 7 upvotes
What do you call a hen who counts her eggs?
A mathemachicken
How do you wake Lady Gaga up?
Pa pa pa poke her face pa pa poke her face.
Why did the tofu cross the road?
To prove it was just as good as chicken!
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was 2-tired. (Courtesy of my daughter)
What’s the difference between a rimshot and a rimjob?
One goes ba dum tiss, the other is da bum kiss.
Saw 10 homeless ants
Decided to build them a house to live in and charge them rent. Now I collect rent from my tenants
Why can’t Superman ever drive to the top level of the parking garage?
Because he always stays in the Lois Lane Kill me pls
The girl I just started dating told me she is Russian
I told her I think we should take things slowly
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?
One. They’re efficient and not very funny.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay they’d be bagels.
Within minutes, the detective knew exactly what the murder weapon was…
It was a brief case…
This guy walked up to the counter and said ‘Burger and chips please,’
'Certainly sir,' I replied. 'Are you eating in or taking out?' 'Fuck off you cunt,' he snapped, before walking off with his food. I love working in the prison canteen.
Did you hear about the water bottle that got recycled?
He got plastic surgery.
If I had 50 cents for every time I failed a math test,
I'd have $7.20 right now.
What do liquid Draino and a Dutch stripper have in common?
They both slowly remove clogs.
A friend of mine was killed last night. I came here for some relief from the grief and you all helped me so I thought I’d share my favorite joke.
It's important that you use a southern accent in your mind 😉 Jim Bob and John Boy were sittin on their front porch watching their beans grow. On the road at the edge of their property they see a Volkswagen sputter to a stop. They head out to it and see a pretty woman looking at the engine and scratching her head. Jim Bob "What's the problem miss?" Lady "I don't know maybe you can tell?" Jim Bob and John Boy take a look and find the radiator hose is broken and tell her. Lady "Is there someplace nearby I can get it fixed" John Boy "The nearest place is about six miles down the road but it's after five so it's already closed." Lady "Is there a motel nearby that I can stay the night?" Jim Bob "The nearest place is about three miles down the road but our truck is broked so we can't take you there." Lady "Well can I stay at your place for the night?" John Boy "Sure but we only have one bed." Lady "That's O.K., I just need a place to stay." After dinner they went to bed, the lady in the middle started to play with their penises. As they became erect she reaches into her purse whips out a couple of condoms and hands them to Jim Bob and John Boy. Jim Bob "What are these things for?" Lady "These are so I don't get pregnant." They all have sex for a couple hours and in the morning they call the tow truck and send her on her way. About six months later Jim Bob and John Boy are sittin on their front porch watching their beans grow… Jim Bob "Do you really care if that woman gets pregnant?" John Boy "No." Jim Bob "THEN LET'S TAKE THESE THINGS OFF!" Thank again for cheering me up 🙂
Australians don’t have sex
Australians mate
A 5th grader from Alabama and a 5th grader from New York City got into a fight. Who won?
The 5th grader from Alabama, because he’s 18 years old.
Why couldn’t Peter Pan ever be a comedian?
Because his jokes Neverland 😀
Is sex a joke?
If it is, I don't get it
My girlfriend changed a lot since she became vegan
It's like I have never seen herbivore
My dad didn’t love me as a child, but I don’t really blame him.
I wasn’t born until he was an adult.
I’m so good at sleeping…
I can do it with my eyes closed!
The Chinese President has decided to make a red book of quotes, like Mao Zedong did.
He's calling it "That's what Xi said"
A photon checks into a hotel.
A photon checks into a hotel. – Do you need help with your luggage, sir? – No, i'm travelling light.
Ordered a Stud Finder on Amazon and forgot to give them a shipping address.
Still made it to my door.
My girlfriend used to smoke after we made love
so we started using lubricant
How did Jesus stay so ripped?
Pontius Pilates and CrossFit
I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people,
but none of them work
Yesterday one of my good friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.
It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath.
9/11 jokes are not funny
But the other 2 are
How many dead people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Apparently not 17, cuz my basement is still dark
How many nails are there in a lesbian’s coffin?
None, it's all tongue-and-groove.
I’m fine with alchohol, cigarettes and marijuana
But coccaine is where I draw the line
Years ago, my Mother-in-law began reading, “The Exorcist”. She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn’t finish it, took it to the ocean and threw it off the pier.
I went out, but another copy, ran it under the faucet, and left it beside her bed.
Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair… Here's your money." Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump." The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again." Jack took the money.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…
There would be mass confusion
