I was reading the history of the French Revolution, and just found out what happened to Louis XVI ‘s head.
[removed]
Why do hipsters burn their mouths on coffee?
Because they drink it before it’s cool.
When a woman is giving birth….
She is literally kidding.
Why did the dolphin delete the universe? Because:
(The punchline was removed from the universe)
My last relationship, which was with a cross eyed girl ended.
Because she kept seeing someone else on the side
Top 3 invisible things
1) 2) 3)
My 8 year old cousin: ” Why did the chicken cross the road?”
8yo cousin: To get to the idiot's house. Me (patronizingly): Oh..uh..yeah good one haha. 8yo cousin: Wanna hear another one? Knock knock Me: Who's there 8yo: The chicken.
My Tinder match said she’d talk to me again when she got home…
Guess she’s homeless.
SHE: Undress me with your words…
HE: There's a spider in your bra.
*Introducing my girlfriend to the family*
Mom: Don't settle for this, you deserve better.. Me: But mom, I lov….. Mom: I was talking to her.
My neighbor walked past with two dogs and I said, “I didn’t know you had dogs.” He replied, “They’re not my dogs, they’re my sisters.”
I exclaimed, "Wow, your sisters are really ugly!"
What’s 6.9?
A good time ruined by a period.
My grandma and computers
So my grandma just found out how to read updates and it said updated in the backround and said i always see that but i dont see them in thr backround
What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes ‘WHACK’ , “ah shit”. A bad skydiver goes “ah shit” , ‘WHACK’
Doctor just told a nun that she is pregnant.
Nun: "Doctor, you can't be serious – I haven't had sex with a man even once in my entire life! I am saving myself for God!" Doc: "Sorry, but the tests show undoubtedly that you are pregnant…" Nun leaves the doctor in anger and bursts back into church shouting: "Ok, who in the name of the God HAD CUM ONTO THE CANDLES!!!"
If I had a nickel every time I was confused
I’d be like, where the fuck do all these nickels keep coming from?
My girlfriend is like pi plus the square root of negative one.
Complex, irrational and barely more than a 3.
What do you call a mythical creature with a cold?
Achoopacabra
I handed my 4 year old a bottle of cold water and said, “Hold this.”
She responded, "Don't you mean cold this?" My kid just dad joked me and I've never been prouder of her.
My Dad told me he always struggled with three subjects in school;
Maths, and he couldn’t remember the other one.
I saw a poor old lady fall in the street today.
Well I'm assuming she's poor, she only had $1 in her purse.
While I was at the gym, I decided to hop on a treadmill.
People started giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.
A man and his wife are watching tv. He keeps switching between fishing and porn.
After a while, the man’s wife says, “Keep it on porn, you already know how to fish.”
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?
An Irrelephant.
When people complain about php’s security, i need this picture to explain the scenario
https://ift.tt/2p6ZLtd
A man who’d just died is delivered to a local mortuary
… and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.' 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So I just switched the heads.'
My son and I were going through the alphabet together.
I said “son, what is A for?” “Apple!” “That’s right! What is B for?” “Banana!” That’s right! What is C for?” “Explosive!”
My son asked me how hard it is to calculate the area of a circle
I told him it’s easy as pi
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.
One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left. As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?" "He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."
Telltale Games will shut down…
Fans will remember that
[Warning]: 18++
19.
Some lettuce is better than others
It shall romaine nameless.
Why does Waldo wear stripes?
He doesn't like to be spotted.