I was sick and tired of my wife refusing to have sex with me.
So I took matters into my own hands…
I learned how to time-travel tomorrow.
At least, that's what I will hope.
When my wife suggested getting a white noise machine for the bedroom, I was initially ok with it.
Then I realized I hate country music.
Who do Nuns travel in pairs ?
So one Nun can make sure that the other Nun doesn't get none.
“Hey girl, lets go to my place, we can watch a movie or something.”
"I don't know… do you have any toilet paper there?"
Looking for a b’day card in a card bin we have, came across this gem my mom had saved…
https://ift.tt/3aphdfm
A man with no arms and legs was sun baking on the beach.
A gorgeous blonde was walking past him, stopped for a second with a tang of pity in her eyes. “Have you ever had a hug?” She asked. “No.” So with an “aww”, she gave him a big hug. Two minutes later, another beautiful woman was walking past the man. “Aw look at you honey. Have you ever been kissed?” “No.” He says. She leans down and gives him a passionate kiss. Another few minutes pass and another stunning lady walks past. “Oh you poor thing…Have you ever been fucked?” “No.” “Well you will be soon, the tides coming in.”
What are German Nazis and grammar nazis both guilty of?
Crimes against piece
Just got married, the wedding was so beautiful and emotional!
Even the cake was in tiers!
Two communists are sitting on a porch in a nudist colony. One says “Have you read Marx”?
The other says “Yes, i think it’s these wicker chairs”.
Why do hippies drink herbal tea?
Because property is theft
Trump and Obama are getting a haircut in the same barber shop.
Donald Trump and Barack Obama end up in the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn into politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. Trump was quick to stop him saying "No way buddy, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a damn whorehouse." The second barber turned to Obama and said "How about you?" Obama replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.
A Cop Saw a Car in the Ditch.
A police officer was driving down the road when he saw a car in the ditch. The crash appeared to pretty bad so he took a close look, when he got to the car and looked inside he saw an entire dead family. The husband, the wife, two kids, and a monkey. He asks the monkey, not expecting much, what had happened. The monkey responds with a gesture of crashing. So he asks further. “What was the Father doing?” The monkey scratches his head, nods and does a drinking gesture. “Oh so he was drinking?” The monkey nods his head excitedly. The officer asks, “what was the Mother doing?” The monkey thinks for a moment, and does a mouth talking gesture. “Bitching?” The cop guessed. The monkey with a smile nods his head in excitement. The cop looks in the back and asks. “What were the kids doing?” The monkey thinks a moment and starts hitting the air. “So they were fighting?” The monkey nods his head. Then the officer asked, “What were you doing?” Without hesitation the monkey smiles making a steering wheel gesture.
What do liquid Draino and a Dutch stripper have in common?
They both slowly remove clogs.
How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?
Its not hard
Once upon a time there lived a ravishing Queen with huge tits..
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague,Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.Horatio thought about this, and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost. The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick. Moral of the story – Pay your bills !!
A Russian, a Frenchman and an Englishman argued about Adam’s nationality.
A Russian, a Frenchman and an Englishman argued about Adam's nationality. The Frenchman said, "Of course Adam was French. Look how passionately he made love to Eve!" The Englishman said, "Of course Adam was British. Look how he gave his only apple to the lady, like a real gentleman." The Russian said, "Of course Adam only could be Russian. Who else, possessing nothing but a sole apple, and walking with a naked ass, still believed he was in a paradise?"
I had sex with my 10th grade English teacher.
So what if it took 36 years and required me to become a mortician.
I’ve got 99 problems.
My math teacher is a bastard.
A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender says, “No pets allowed.”
The man replies, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you'll see. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips." The Jets keep scoring field goals, and the dog keeps flipping and jumping. "Wow! What happens when the Jets score a touchdown?" The man replies, "I don't know. I've only had him for 7 years."
Does my Thai girlfriend have a penis?
Something inside me says yes
I handed my 4 year old a bottle of cold water and said, “Hold this.”
She responded, "Don't you mean cold this?" My kid just dad joked me and I've never been prouder of her.
Inside the mind of an HR representative: You’ve worked at 4 different companies, so why can’t you stay longer at one job? (He is definitely unfaithful) OR You worked at one company for 8 years, why did you leave? (He left the company he worked at for 8 years, so he can leave our company too)
Inside the mind of an HR representative:
You’ve worked at 4 different companies, so why can’t you stay longer at one job? (He is definitely unfaithful)
OR
You worked at one company for 8 years, why did you leave? (He left the company he worked at for 8 years, so he can leave our company too)
Wait if the sex of a baby is determined by the father’s sperm …
…does that make semen gender-fluid?
“Barely legal”.
Because "almost underage" sounds a bit creepy.
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolate
They'll kill your dog
I, for one
Like roman numerals.
A young teenage girl was making a living as a prostitute
and for obvious reasons she kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some. "Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old… how do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny… I just remove my dentures and suck em dry!"
What if the real reason aliens don’t visit us is because…
…we're a one star planet?