I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection, when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years, “Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?”
She smiled and answered, “I do.”
You’ll never get out of it alive anyways.
Dad: That’s sound advice.
Dinner is on me!
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug’
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Only a fraction of people know this
I said, “No. Is that still required?”
He had never met herbivore.
It was bad.
More on this after the break.
PRODUCER: You mean a choir? “Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?”
Do not comsume if the seal is broken
It’s a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
Until they buried yo momma.
Nail salons closed, Lash salons closed, Hair salons closed, Tanning salons closed, waxing salons closed…
It's about to get ugly out there. Stay safe.
“I’m a Watt?”
I was walking with my girlfriend when a random guy whistled at her and said, “Nice ass”. She was clearly annoyed and demanded I say something.
So I turned around and said, "Thank you I've been doing squats."
"How much have you had to drink?" she demanded. "Not much" I slurred. "Look at me!" she shouted, "It's either me or the bar, which one is it?" I paused for a second and said "It's you, I can tell by the voice."
He orders a bear.
When my neighbors asked what I was supposed to be, I sadly replied, "I was supposed to be a lot of things…"
Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa… naked.
They don't want to be spotted.
Why bother? They won't come anyways.
It's because he is the man of steel. One of my students told me he made this up and I couldn't be more proud.
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki
It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery
The hip replacement guy!
Clothes, but no cigar.