I was talking to a scammer the other day.
Me: “Hello.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”
Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”
Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”
NOT-Microsoft support: “It’s OK sir. We can help you right now. Are you in front of your device sir?”
Me: “Yes. I was just about to use it. I’m glad you called.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes sir, we are going to help you. Can you please push the Start button?”
Me: “I think it's already on.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Okay, sir. Now you want to click on Control Panel.”
Me: “I don’t see that.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Do you see a bunch of information above the Start button?”
Me: “Yes.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “That is your Control Panel.”
Me: “Wow, I didn’t realize it had a name.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes sir, now press on Internet Options.”
Me: “Yeah, I definitely don’t see any Internet options. I don’t think I purchased that feature. This is just a cheap one.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “They all have the Internet sir. Press the Start button again.”
Me: “OK, it’s the same as before.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “That’s OK sir. We are going to restart your device. Can you please turn it off?”
Me: “Ummm…I don’t know how. I’ve never turned it off. Since I bought it, it just kind of stays on all the time.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “There must be an off button on your device. How do you stop it when it’s running?”
Me: “In those cases, I usually press the big button.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “OK sir. Please press that button.”
Me: “Ok.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Is your device off?”
Me: “No. The door popped open.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Door? Is there a disc inside the door?”
Me: “No, there’s a burrito.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Why is there a burrito in your computer?”
Me: “Computer? I thought you said this was microwave support.”
Two priests go into the shower
In the shower they notice that there are no soap. One of them says "Il go to my room and bring 2 soap bars" runs naked to the room, grabs 2 bars of soap and when he was running back… 3 nuns show up, first thing he remembers to do "freezes like a statue".. Nuns look at the statue and say "Such a beautiful figure, perfectly shaped" One of them, looking to the priest's "toy soldier" decides do pull it…. The priest's reaction to the enormous pain makes him drop one of the soap bars The nun concludes then, that it is no statue…. It actually is a soap machine!! The second nun happily does exactly the same and the priest drops the second bar of soap! The third nun pulls it once…. Nothing… Pulls it twice….. Nothing…. Pulls it thrice…. Nothing… Pulls it again and again and again…. And finnaly marveled she says: "Lord be praised… It also gives shower gel!!"
I went to the doctor because I was having hearing problems. “Can you describe the symptoms ?”, he asked.
I said "Homer's a fat guy and Marge has blue hair"
Many people say that a pirate’s favourite letter is R but…
It’s actually the P. If you take it away he becomes irate.
What kind of music does a balloon liseten to?
Pop! Also this is my first joke, so sorry if someone has made it before but I haven't seen it yet
A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?” The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!” “That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?” “Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly. The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?” “No problem,” replies the doctor. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right, but I’ll stick with my moped!” Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror – what it could be…and suddenly… WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster! “What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped! Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph. WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH! He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do! Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and , unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?” The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”
Scientists have grown human vocal cords in a petri dish.
The results speak for themselves.
I was just looking at my ceiling. I am not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world,
but it’s definitely up there.
Corona Beer sales falter amid Corona virus crisis
Guess their viral marketing strategy failed.
I love jokes about the eyes
The cornea the better
When it’s friday and someone says “so hey there is this quick thing we need fixed”
https://ift.tt/3ahqVRs
Enough with the “I’ll see you next year” jokes on New Year’s!
Those jokes are a decade old now!
What do girls and noodles have in common?
They both wiggle when you eat them.
It annoys me when Engineering students call themselves Engineers…
You don't hear medical students calling themselves doctors, or art students calling themselves unemployed.
This season of Earth is not realistic
So many plot holes. Like, where did the murder hornets go? Why introduce them if they're not important to the story? I'm feeling Lost.
Why do riot police go to work early?
To beat the crowd.
What do pedophile vampires do to relax?
Crack open a boy with the cold ones.
What do you call a midget having an orgasm?
A shortcoming
If “womb is pronounced “woom”, “tomb” is pronounced “toom”, then then shouldn’t “bomb” be pronounced
“BOOM” I hope that blew your minds
Hey girl, are you my Physics examination paper?
Because I can stare at you for 3 hours and not understand a single thing
![[OC] The math checks out](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/no_image_card-69-400x247.png)
If you drive a Tesla, but it gets stolen…
…does that make it an Edison?
I’ve been dating this homeless chick for a while now and it’s starting to get serious.
She asked me to move out with her.
I asked the doctor if I could administer my own anaesthetic…
He said, “Go ahead. Knock yourself out!”
Life lesson
You can't spell advertisements without semen between the tits.(edited)
A child asked his father “Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?”
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
People wonder why I call my toilet “the Jim” instead of “the John.”
I do it so I can say “I go to the Jim first thing every morning.”
My grandfather’s favourite joke
First time posting here, my grandfather's funeral was yesterday, and in honor of him I thought I would share his favourite joke of all time. My grandfather worked in advertisement, and his favourite jokes had to do with bad advertising. His favourite? Women's dresses, half off. Rest in peace grampie. You'll never be forgotten.
I hear you’re hunting the Loch Ness monster.
May not be Nessie-ssary, but Beast of Loch to you!
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my trail mix.
Whats the difference between USA and USB?
One connects to your devices and accesses your data, the other is a hardware standard.
An alter boy walks in on a priest…
A young alter boy walks in on a priest masturbating, confused he asks the priest "what are you doing father?" The priest replies "don't worry my son it's natural, you will be doing it soon" "but why father?" the alter boy returns The priest exclaims "because my arm is getting tired!"
Today, I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall.
As he turned and sneered at me, I thought, "that's a little condescending."
My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is.
I told him, 'My door is always open!'
I just found out that my friend has a secret life as a priest.
It’s his altar ego.