I was terrified by the results of my blood test
But my doctor just said B positive
My wife asked me to put tomato ketchup on the shopping list that I was writing out.
I can't read a fucking word now.
I don’t usually tell Dad jokes,
But when I do, he usually laughs
Timmy was being raised by his single mother
When one day she sat him down and explains to him that she’s given this a lot of thought and takes it very seriously but she identifies as a man and intends to start living as such. Timmy understands. It was a long transitioning process of altering his appearance, changing his name, undergoing hormone therapy, and finally having the surgery. Timmy was very supportive during the whole process. Even when he was teased by some kids at school. But eventually the process was complete and they decided to have a nice dinner to celebrate. But dinner was ruined. Timmy’s dad just kept making terrible pun after terrible pun. That’s when it hit Timmy like a ton of bricks. He asks “Did….did you go through all this and even get a sex change just so you could make Dad jokes?!” Timmy’s dad replies “Ahh shit, you see right through me. I guess I’m just….transparent”
As a single Dad, I tried flirting with the check-in girl at the airport while loading my kids’ suitcases.
But she just kept saying I had too much baggage.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
An alter boy walks in on a priest…
A young alter boy walks in on a priest masturbating, confused he asks the priest "what are you doing father?" The priest replies "don't worry my son it's natural, you will be doing it soon" "but why father?" the alter boy returns The priest exclaims "because my arm is getting tired!"
Q: Why did Star Wars episodes 4,5, and 6 come before 1,2, and 3?
A: Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Training for dad level jokes.
My wife is pregnant with our first child so I'm stepping up my joke game to reach dad level. Mother's day was not so long ago, and since she isn't a mother yet but only a future mother, I didn't get her flowers I only got her seeds, which are future flowers. At least I found it hilarious and so did she. Hope you guys enjoy this!
In my career as a lumberjack I cut down exactly 52,487 trees
I know because I kept a log
A Catholic priest, a Baptist preacher, and a rabbit walk into a bar.
There rabbit takes a look around the joint and says, "I'm beginning to think I'm a typo."
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
I guess you could say it was bread in captivity
My wife yelled at me, telling me to put the toilet seat down…
Don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
How much does it cost a pirate to pierce his ears?
A buck-an-ear
I own a farm and this morning one of my farmhands was dancing naked in front of the tractor.
I asked what the hell are you doing? He said his wife and him were having problems and the marriage counselor told him he had to do something sexy to a tractor.
Sharks have a party in the toilet
No text found
I got hit in the head by a soda can the other day…
Luckily, it was a soft drink!
My 8 yr old son asked me to buy him a Lamborghini
I told him by the time he got his license and was old enough to drive it, it would be a Sheeporghini
I don’t advertise my lip reading business…
It’s all word of mouth…
Did you hear the one about the Jew?
Israeli funny
A cowboy walks into a bar, and two steps in he realizes it’s a gay bar:
"What the heck." He says to himself. "I really want a drink." When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy. "What’s the name of your willy?" The cowboy says. "Look, I’m not into any of that. All I want is a drink." "The gay waiter says. "I’m sorry but I can’t serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan, 'Just Do It.' that guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies.'" The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer. "Hey bud, what’s the name of yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty cowboy asks. "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies. "‘Cause it takes a licking and keeps on ticking." A little shaken, the cowboy turns to the two fella’s on his right who just happens to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says….. "So, what do you guys call yours?" The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims. "FORD, because Quality is Job One." Then he adds. "Have you driven a Ford lately?" The guy next to him then says. "I call mine CHEVY Like a Rock!" And gives a wink! Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer." The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks. "Why Secret?" The cowboy says. "Because it’s ‘STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"
Can we just stop specifying the state when we make this joke? Pretty sure I’ve seen all 50
https://ift.tt/2xjJXr3
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.
Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy, he's a web designer
I bought my friends an elephant for their room. They said: “Thank you.”
I said: “Please don’t mention it.”
I have to pay for a bus ticket?
I guess it's only fare
“Dad, can you do my math homework for me?” “No son, it wouldn’t be right.”
"Well, at least you could try."
Are iron chelators indicated in primary and secondary hemochromatosis or just secondary?
Zanki GI deck insinuates iron chelators are used for primary hemochromatosis, but the zanki pharm deck says you dont normally use them in primary hemochromatosis, and mainly just in secondary or iron toxicity.
How is Donald Trump like a jack-o-lantern?
They are both orange, round and should be thrown out in early November.
Two monks are setting up a sign in front of their monastery
The sign reads ”Beware! The End is near! Turn around now before it is too late!" A car full of atheists drives by at full speed, and the atheists yell at the monks "Go fuck yourselves you lame ass religious nuts!" Suddenly there's a sound of screeching tires, terrified screams and a splash! The first monk looks at the second monk and says "Brother, do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?”
If you’re here for the yodeling lesson
please form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
why did the can-crusher quit it’s job?
because it was soda-pressing!
Study shows women are turning into good drivers
So if you’re a good driver watch out