I tried fitting in to a town with wind turbines….
But I just wasn't a big fan.
One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.
Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted.
A Sperm Donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
My good friend drowned while at the beach last month. I tearfully placed a life preserver on his coffin at the funeral.
It's what he would've wanted.
What tea do rich people buy?
Property
What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted
NASCAR bans the confederate flag?
Finally a turn in the right direction.
Did you hear about the guy trapped inside of a giant cucumber at the bottom of the ocean?
He was really in a pickle.
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. “What are you doing?” she asked him. “I’m going to have a bake sale to buy a car,” he answered. “Where on earth did you get that idea? We’re in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!” He said…
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
Why did the spy cross the road?
He didn't. He was never really on your side.
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump
I said: “Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912. I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
I think my neighbor might be stalking me.
She's googled my name a few times, I saw it through my telescope last night
So I’m in my garage and my wife walks in.
She yells STAMPEDE!!! And threw a handful of animal crackers at me. I'm giggling like a schoolgirl.
my son is a male trapped in a female body
he'll be born in may.
(From my 8 y/o) What goes “Oooooooooooooooo”
A cow with no lips!
I’d like to tell my lasagna joke here,
…but it’s multi-layered and way too cheesy
I got lead poisoning from a Dr. Pepper knock-off
I guess I shouldn’t drink Mr. Pb again
How does the man on the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it
All countries will get the corona virus eventually…
China just got it right off the bat…
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
Who do Nuns travel in pairs ?
So one Nun can make sure that the other Nun doesn't get none.
Germany is now advising people to stock up on cheese and sausages.
They are calling it the wurst käse scenario.
A blind man went to a restaurant.
menu sir? asked the owner. I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order. The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man. The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables. Unbelievable, thought the owner. The blind man ate and left. Two weeks later the blind man returned. The owner, wanting to know how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking and said, do me a favor and rub this fork over your private part which she did. He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork. The blind man takes it and puts it to his nose and says, oh interesting! I never knew Brenda works here!
A deaf accountant works for the mafia.
One day, the king pin mafioso is checking out the books and notices there's a million dollars missing. He calls a meeting with the deaf accountant and a sign language translator. "Ok, there's a million dollars missing, where is it?" asks the king pin. Translator says, "There's a million dollars missing, boss wants to know where it is." Deaf man signs over to the translator, "What? I have no idea what he's talking about." Translator says to the boss, "Boss, he says he doesn't know what you're talking about". Boss says to the translator "I'm gonna ask one more time. Where is the money?" Translator says to the deaf accountant, "He's asking one more time, where's the money?" Deaf man reiterates to the translator through sign, "Seriously, I don't know what he's talking about!" Translator says to the Boss, "He says he seriously doesn't know what you're talking about." The boss is now infuriated. He slams his fist down on the table, and points a gun to the accountants head. He tells the translator, "TELL THIS MOTHER FUCKER I WILL BLOW HIS BRAINS ALL OVER THIS DESK IF HE DOESN'T TELL ME WHERE THE MONEY IS RIGHT FUCKING NOW" Translator signs to the accountant "Ok he's dead serious. You better tell him where the money is, or he's going to kill you right here." Accountant signs to the translator, "OK! OK! I'll tell you! I hid it in a briefcase underneath my deck!" Mafia Boss asks, "Well, what did he say?!" Translator says, "He said go fuck yourself."
When wearing a bikini, women reveals 96% of their body.
But the men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.
Had my Tesla stolen the other day
Now it's an Edison