I was thinking they should change the name of the wishbone to the Napoleon.
Because you pull the Bonaparte.
I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.
What do you call a magical bra?
An abracadabra.
I’m afraid of confusing words that sound the same but spelled differently.
I’m homophonophobic.
My daughter asked me what the opposite of isolate is.
I told her yousoearly
A good girl doesnt kiss until the third date…
Sure makes for awkward sex on the first two
Are you pissed?
Wife: Not necessarily. Me: Ok. So you are pissed but, unnecessarily?
I had a vasectomy so my wife wouldn’t get pregnant..
..but apparently all it does is change the colour of your baby.
R.I.P. boiled water… you will be mist
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I’m sick of all these people saying cats are liquid.
They're obviously non-Mewtonian.
I refused to believe I was gay and dyslexic…..
I was in Daniel…
I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fu Cologne.
I don’t usually tell dad jokes
But when I do, he laughs.
Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble across a magic lamp.
They rub it, and a genie appears. "I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces. The first dinosaur thinks hard. "Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat." Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him. Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder. "I know! I'll have a shower of meat!" Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him. The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs. "I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"
Why don’t airline pilots get speeding tickets?
Because they are above the law.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away. One engineer shook his head and laughed, "Typical blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
I have a horse named Mayo
Mayo Neighs ..
My car horn wasn’t working, so I took it to a Boy Scout.
He fixed it and said, “Beep repaired”
Started a new job where I test cat flaps with my toes.
I'm only doing it to get my foot in the door.
A nice Scottish lad moves to New York.
After 6 months his mom calls him and she asks how he finds the Americans. Horrible, he says. They always yell and scream. He hates how they pound on the walls and stomp the floors. Oh pure! she says, how do you get by? I just relax in bed, playing me bagpipes, says the lad.
My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer
Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.
If a killer whale wanted to compete with the Philharmonic, he could just sip on a soda.
Then he'd have a full orca straw.
“Officer, are you crying while writing me a ticket?”
Cop: it’s a …..moving violation.
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
"Do you smell carrots?"
I was explaining to my son how a baton is used in relay races, and he understood right away.
I gotta hand it to him.
A man with no arms and no legs is sitting on the beach, thinking deeply about his life.
As he lays there, unable to move, he thinks about all the rejection he has faced. Countless women, scared off by his grotesque appearance, have avoided all contact with him. Never been kissed, never been loved. As he reflects on his sad, lonely existence, a beautiful, busty young lady, in a very skimpy bikini, is walking past. She sees him – a small, limbless blob – out the corner of her eye. He gives her a smile and she smiles back. And then, she starts walking over to him! As she approaches he thinks to himself – “maybe this is it!” She gets nearer and nearer, her smile growing with each step until she is right next to him. She leans down, gives him a big kiss on the cheek, and whispers in his ear: “Have you ever been fucked?” Excitedly, the man responds “no!” The woman replies “well you’re fucked now, mate. The tide’s coming in.”
Two goldfish were sitting in a tank. At one point, one of them turns to the other.
Do you know how to drive this thing?
How do poets say hello?
Hey, haven’t we metaphor?
