I was visiting my cousin and he just blew through a red light …
I yelled, "Are you crazy?!"
He waved me off, saying, "It's OK, my brother does it all the time."
The next light was red too, and he just sailed on through again.
"You're gonna get us killed," I shouted.
And he again replied, "It's OK, my brother does it all the time."
The next light was green, so I was feeling better, but my cousin slammed on the brakes.
I asked, "Now what?"
He said, "Gotta be careful, my brother might be coming the other way."
(Long joke, continues in body) Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.
His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below. Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very core of their souls by the pure bliss of the tone. And all the realm realized, instantly, that it was Sam, and Sam was the first person in history to hit one of the rumored Magical Notes that musicians had theorized must exist… yet no one before Sam had ever reached one. And on Sam's 20th birthday, it happened again. This time, the town below was so impacted that no one moved, spoke, or even blinked for several minutes after. As the golden sound finally tapered off and ceased, they knew that Sam had found the Second Note… And the next year on Sam's birthday, the town had realized there was a pattern involved. This time, all of the townspeople were present in the monastery's nave, watching in awe, as Sam hit the glorious Third Note. People cried out in pure joy as the sound grew to a glorious crescendo. Words cannot do justice to the experience. The town flourished, as Sam's notes made the people pure all the way to the core of their beings. And on it went for the next few years, the Magical Notes growing sweeter and sweeter… until, that is, Sam's 25th birthday. All at first seemed as normal… until Sam hit the Magical Note. From the start, Sam seemed very uncomfortable, and this new sound was not beautiful… it was jarring and discordant. Sam started to get very warm, and was visibly sweating onstage. He doubled his resolve and dug deeper, to get to the sweet part of the Magical Note that he knew must be there. Suddenly, to the horror of all, Sam spontaneously combusted! The two closest monks on stage were burned by the flames coming off of his body, and he ignited the stage curtains. Soon the entire monastery was aflame. By a miracle, everyone made it out, except for poor Sam. The townsfolk were left staring at the burning monastery in sad, stunned disbelief. The mayor approached the lead monk of the order. "What happened?" he asked, exasperated. The old monk shook his head sadly. "Isn't it obvious?" he said. "Sam sung Note 7."
What do u give a dog that has high temperature?
Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog
I named my eraser Confidence…
Because it gets smaller after every mistake I make.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C?
Because you can't C in the dark
A recent study has discovered a new strain of lice that is resistant to conventional treatment.
That has left scientists scratching their heads.
My friend couldn’t afford to pay his water bill.
So I sent him a βget well soonβ card.
You can drop an ant in water to determine its sex
If the ant sinks – girl ant If the ant floats – boy ant
My wife told me to stop singing Wonderwall
I said maybe.
What do you call it when a midget gives head?
A below job
Always knock before opening the fridge.
There could be salad dressing in there.
Why are people in New York always so sad?
Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey
Mona Lisa was framed.
Then they hung her.
Physics is full of problems
And chemistry is full of solutions
I donβt hate ALL of the periodic table.
Just elements of it
(NSFW) A bra, some jumper cables and a battery walk into a bar…
They grab a table and sit down, so the bra says it'll get the first round. It goes up to the bartender and says "3 beers please mate" Bartender replies "no way, you're off your tits and your mates are going to start something"
Doctor’s Affair
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you." Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti – Two with sausage and meatballs; two without."
My wife told me to put ketchup on the shopping list, so I did
Now she's mad at me because we can't read it anymore
If you are ever confronted by a group of clowns at night…
…always go for the juggler…
Why did the big bird feel left out?
Because he was ostrich sized
I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box filled with gold.
I was so excited that I ran inside to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.
Im trying to explain my sexuality to my dad.
Me : "Okay, so I would identify as a bisexual." Dad : "And that means you would have a male partner." Me : "Yeah." Dad : "Or a female partner." Me : "Yeah." Dad : "So… That means if you don't find a partner, you're on standbi?" ME : ME : ME : ME : "Son of a b…"
Life before the computer:
Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider's home. A virus was the flu. A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived. And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy….. you just hoped nobody found out.
My wife likes to say marrying me was like winning the lottery…
I like to remind her that most lottery winners blow their winnings.
My friend just called me the worst best man ever…
I was speechless…
I scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked
I donβt know what scared him more, the fact that I was naked, or that I knew where he lived
Three scientists in a car
So the three scientists, Heisenberg, SchrΓΆdinger, and Ohm are in a car on the highway. They get pulled over by a cop and the cop goes up to Heisenberg who is driving and asks βdo you know how fast you were going?β Heisenberg says, βno, but I know where I amβ. The cop replies βwell you were going 70 in a 35 zoneβ and Heisenberg says βgreat! Now Iβm lost!β Anyways, the cop is suspicious so asks to check the trunk of the car. He comes back and says βhey, you know thereβs a dead cat back there?β and SchrΓΆdinger replies βgreat! Youβve ruined the whole thing!β. So the cop is fed up, he pulls Heisenberg out and arrests him, and does the same with SchrΓΆdinger, but had a problem with Ohm because he resisted.
Everybody at our wedding cried
Even the cake was in tiers
NSFW
I bought a safe for my home
Iβm so excited! Scientists have tested cloning on humans.
Im beside myself
A Jewish girl asked for my number
I told her we use names now.
Why is suicide illegal in China ?
Destruction of government property.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
Funny that when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he’s a stud..
But when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow Iβm not one of them.
I dunno if someone has found this before but I found it at a place im cleaning today
https://ift.tt/30ErCzz
My girlfriend told me she had slept with 5 men before we met.
I wouldnt mind, but I was only 30 minutes late.
I love telling dad jokes, but I don’t have any kids.
I guess that makes me a faux pa.
I have a friend named Bob
He hates it when I say his name backwards