I was walking past a building site when the guy hammering the roof called me a “paranoid little weirdo”
In morse code
Knock knock
Who's there? Mary. Mary who? Mary Christmas! Knock knock. Who's there? Anna. Anna who? Anna happy new year! Merry Christmas and a happy new year, Reddit 🙂
What do Mexico and Canada have in common?
They both border on stupidity.
If Sarah Sanders thinks it is safe to be out in public, perhaps she could lead by example
https://ift.tt/3ayAl9K
What do you call a magic dog?
A Labracadabrador
A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police.
He's now a seasoned veteran.
A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him
“I want to be President one day.” Trump says, “Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?” The kid replies, “You know what, I’ve changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.”
The roads were so rough, it damaged my laptop.
It was a hard drive.
I taught a wolf to meditate
Now he’s aware wolf
A guy walks into a bar, followed by an ostrich, followed by a cat.
All three sit down at the bar. The bartender looks at the man and says, “What’ll ya have?” The man says, “Gimme a beer.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have one too.” The cat says, “I want two beers, but I’m only gonna pay half price.” The bartender serves up four beers, and tells the man, “that’ll be $12.67.” The man reaches in his pocket and without even looking sets exact change down on the bar. After they finish their beers, the bartender asks, “anything else?” The man says, “Gimme a shot of bourbon.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have one too.” The cat says, “I want a double bourbon, but I’m only gonna pay half price.” The bartender serves them and says, “That’s $14.03.” The man reaches into his pocket and without even looking again sets exact change on the bar. After that round, the bartender says, “What else will ya have?” The man says, “I need a Jack and Coke.” The ostrich says, “Me too!” The cat says, “I want two Jack and Cokes, and I’m only paying…” “Half price, I know,” says the bartender. He sets them up and says, “$16.38, please.” The man reaches in his pocket a third time, and again sets exact change on the bar without counting it out. The bartender asks the man, “How is it that every time you pay for your drink order, you can set exact change on the bar without looking?” The man says, “Well, some years ago I was walking on the beach in Egypt, and I found a magic lamp in the sand. I rubbed it, and a genie appeared and granted me three wishes for setting him free. So, with the first wish, I wished that no matter what I ever wanted to buy, I would always have exact change for it in my pocket.” The bartender says, “That’s brilliant! Most people would wish for a million or five million or whatever. This way, you’ll never run out of money, you don’t have to worry about carrying it, and you’ll never be robbed! Absolutely brilliant.” The man says, “I know, and thank you!” The bartender says, “So what did you ask for with your other two wishes?” The man said “A chick with long legs and a tight pussy.”
The GOP is apparently ok with extremely late term abortions if the stock market is suffering
https://ift.tt/2KdS7EF
Man walks into a tuxedo shop and the associate says “do you need any help?”
The man gruffly replies "no i think im fully capable of finding my own tux!" Associate says "fine. Suit yourself."
I am reading a book called “The History of Lubricants.”
It’s non-friction.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to you lock calmly because
Communication is key
Just so everybody’s clear…..
I'm going to put my glasses on
I hope Death is a woman.
That way it will never come for me.
Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!
Doctor: Wow! That’s the worst case of Parking Son’s disease I have ever seen.
If a blind girl tells you your dick is the biggest she’s ever felt…
She's probably pulling your leg.
What’s the fastest liquid on Earth?
Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.
A German tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my dog who was drowning…
After he climbed out he handed me the dog and said "here is ze dog, keep him varm and dry him off he vill be fine", I said "are you a vet?", He replied "vet? I'm fucking soaking!"
What’s an extreme sport?
Doing your homework while the teacher is marking it
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing
But this is as close as I could get
My friend and I just started a business where we weigh tiny objects.
It’s a small scale operation.
Telltale Games will shut down…
Fans will remember that
My girlfriend just admitted she used to be a Christian, so I broke up with her.
It might seem judgemental, but I have only known her since she was Christine.
My grandpa (age 92) told me this joke.
"I'm getting so old that I can't remember what I had for breakfast this morning… And I have oatmeal every morning."
What kind of STD’s do fish get?
Merm-aids
how does Hitler tie his shoes?
little knotsies
Space heaters are the best house-warming gifts.
No text found
I was surprised when the coffee I ordered tasted just like mud.
The barista told me it was fresh ground.
What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck
Today I had my appointment with my psychiatrist
He thinks that I'm paranoid. He didn't say it, but I know he's thinking it.
A fish pooped on my shoes today
That Bass-turd
How do depressed frogs die?
They Kermit suicide.
Did you hear about the guy who was handing out awards to couples that cheat?
He was medaling in other people’s affairs.
Whats the story with the building?
I've heard there is 8 stories.
What’s the difference between vegans and strippers?
Vegans rub it in your face for free.
What did Delaware?
Maybe a New Jersey? I don't know, but Alaska.
Why was the teacher cross eyed?
Because she couldn’t control her pupils.
A drill sergeant ran his platoon of recruits all over the camp in the hot sun with heavy packs on.
As they stood there, exhausted, he put his face up to one of the recruit's face and said, "I'll bet you're wishing I would die so you could come and urinate on my grave, aren't you?" And the recruit says, "No, sir! When I get out of the army I'm never gonna stand in another line again!"
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician
And a Czech one too. A Czech one too.