I was walking past my fridge last night when I thought I heard two onions singing a BeeGees song.
Because everything is already 100% recycled.
She didn't know I existed
You become a vacuum cleaner
It’s not her main present, just a stocking filler
Once the clothes came off she said to me "You have the biggest dick I have ever laid my hands on" I said, "Stop pulling my leg."
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
She was a dish
Grandma is taking it particularly hard.
I’ve been reading ‘Lord Of The Rings’ and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life…
Must be the same ring I put on when I got married…
An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Her name was Mae T
and not using commas.
No one will be crossing the finish line
I cant seem to find a parking spot
but the boss doesn't think he's fit enough. He tells the boss he is able to cut down any tree in a single swing. To prove this, he goes outside, hits a five foot tree with his axe, and it falls over. The boss is impressed. The old man then repeats this with a ten foot tree. Then a thirty foot tree. Finally, he takes his axe up to an 80 foot redwood, swings, and the giant tree comes tumbling down. The boss is amazed, and asks the man how he learned to do that. The man says "I practiced in the Sahara forest." "Don't you mean the Sahara desert?" The boss asks. "Well yes," says the old man, "that's what they call it now."
A jolly rancher.
Therapist: you are? Me: [Screams] Therapist: I see
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.
Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white patriarchal society. After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?" "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery", asked the couple? "Because I am the artist, who painted the picture", he replied, "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch".
But apparently, I was too young…
since then, my mugging attempts have been much more successful.
All I wanted was one night stand.
Mermaid: I grew out of my B-shells
I was beside myself.
I rest in peas.
Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down 😉
At the bar sits a drunken Irish man. As the two women approach, the Irish man sees them and exclaims: "Ah, two fine lassies from Ireland!" Defiantly, one responds "It's Wales!" The man corrects himself, "Ah, two fine whales from Ireland!"
Those who understand binary, and those who don`t
They are both fine, unless you like food.
When it becomes apparent.
They believe it is the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher
It's not like it's the end of the world
No one knows. But the road will have his vengeance.