I was walking past my fridge last night when I thought I heard two onions singing a BeeGees song.
You’re a unit of power harry
I'm a WATT?? Sorry stole it from a pornhub comment made me laugh
I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke
What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath? Throw in your laundry. The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit." We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he choked on a sock."
![[Creative title]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/rn39ewxzbj721-400x208.jpg)
I entered a blindfolded masturbation competition
I don't know where I came
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff
ba dum tss
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised…
What do you call the wife of a hippie?
Mississippi.
Idea
Could the r/dankmemes reddit be banning non europeans just as a dank meme?
What is an unborn child’s favorite craft?
Embryoidery!
I saw Santa following me around in the mall, and I asked him why.
He said, “Christmas stalking.”
Seniors during quarantine
I was on a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8 for seniors only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane. He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away. As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, "If you don't let me unlock the door, you'll never get in there."
I´ve just downloaded the Queen movie, Bohemian Rhapsody!
I think it was filmed in a cinema though, as I see a little silhouetto of a man.
I found out today my toaster isn’t waterproof.
I was shocked.
My wife said I’m the cheapest person she ever met
I'm not buying it
My wife had a hard day at work, so I drew her a warm bath…
She didn't really appreciate the sketch and threw it away…
I saw two women exercising today.
They were taking a walk but were way too close to each other given the social distancing orders. When I confronted them about the need to keep at least 6 feet apart, one of them looked at me dumbfounded and said, "We're just trying to flatten our curves!"
What’s everyone doing next month?
Cause I’m not sure – I don’t have 2020 vision. You’re welcome, Dad
My wife asked me “Is it just me or is the cat getting fat?”
Apparently "No it's just you" wasn't the right answer.
There’s a new horror film out about a man that possessed people by sneezing.
It's based on achoo story.
I asked my Dad: “Did you ever get shot in the army?”
He said: “No, I got shot in the leggy.”
Girlfriend stood there last night accusing me of cheating on her.
I thought to myself; "Damn, she sounds just like the wife"
What do you call a pen that isn’t moving?
Stationary.
What do you call a person who doesn’t wash his hands after pooping?
Arnold from marketing on the 7th floor. Fuck you dude, that’s disgusting. I know you sort by new and can see this. Wash your hands and Lysol your keyboard.
When I was young, my father emphasized every day how important it was to wear a condom if I ever had sex.
He said, “Any person willing to have sex with you will sleep with almost anyone else.”
A doctor flirted with me today. She said that I am too sweet.
Her exact words were "severely diabetic", but I know what she meant.
Today I said to my (male) colleague, when he was dressing
Looking sharp looking fresh, 10 out of 10 would smash!
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. “Do you mind waiting for a bit?” The manager asked. “Not at all” I replied.
“Good, take these lasagnas to table 6” he said.
Did you hear about McDonald’s trying to get into the steakhouse market?
It was a big McSteak.
If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep…
That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning
A Mexican magician was performing on stage
He tells the audience he is going to disappear on the count of three, "Uno" "Dos" And then he vanished, and disappeared without a tres
I’m okay with smoking, alcohol, and marijuana.
But cocaine is where I draw the line.
We have a friend who likes to have sex with inanimate objects, but we haven’t seen him for a long time.
He always has stuff to do.
I met this girl at the vegan restaurant who said she knew me.
But I never met herbivore.
The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, “What’s happening now?”
"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!" "So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear. "Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled back, "Nah, I didn't pay for my haircut!"
Why couldn’t the carpenter and the lumberjack get along
They saw things differently
A Frenchman, and Englishman, and a Soviet are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.
The Frenchman says, “They must be French, they’re naked and they’re eating fruit.” The Englishman says, “Clearly, they’re English; observe how politely the women is offering fruit to the man.” The Soviet replies, “No, they are Russian communists, of course. They have no house, nothing to wear, little to eat, and they think they are in Paradise.
Son: *having a heart attack* dad, call me an ambulance
Dad: okay, you're an ambulance
As I’m sure you’re all aware, the Notre Dame Cathedral is on fire.
They don't know who did it, but they have a hunch.
A Bartender walks into a bar.
*Bart's life flashes before his eyes as he's mercilessly shot four times in the chest*
BREAKING: North Korean Leader in vegetative state following surgery.
They're going to start calling him Kim Jong Un-Responsive
