I was watching porn with my girlfriend and she complained, “This is so unrealistic.”
I said, “Just because you’re unwilling to try new things, doesn’t mean everyone’s that frigid.”
“Not that,” she explained, “It’s just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks.”
I try to tell everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
It’s all about raisin awareness.
Even though 3D games are common, sometimes I like to play 2D games still. But never 1D games.
That's where I draw the line.
I keep asking what LGBTQ+ stands for
I never get a straight answer
Failed to crosspost to r/kidsarefuckingstupid for some reason so here ya go guys
https://ift.tt/2OMnLfw
A farmer is lying in bed with his wife….
when he turns to her grabs her tits and says "Honey if you could get milk out of these we could sell the cow". Then he grabs her pussy and says "Honey if you could get eggs out of here we could sell the chickens". She turns to him smiles,grabs his dick and says "Honey if you could get this up I could get rid of your brother"
Just by looking, i can tell if someone is lying.
I can also tell if they are standing.
Little Johnny
One day in a school room: The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.” Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see The Grand Canyon and I was fascinated.” The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.” Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher, being a little hesitant on account of she had been burned by Little Johnny before, finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him. Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!” The teacher sat down and cried.
I will always remember the words my grandpa said right before he kicked the bucket.
"I wonder how far I can kick this bucket?"
Mother Superior is in the convent, when she hears a knock at the door. She opens the door and is shocked to see two leprechauns standing at the threshold, hats in hand. The first leprechaun speaks, “Mother Superior, would you be having any leprechaun nuns in this convent?”
"No, my son. We have no leprechaun nuns in this convent." "And mother, do you have any leprechaun nuns in all of Ireland?" "No my son, I don't believe there's a single leprechaun nun in the whole church!" The first leprechaun rounds on his companion and shouts, "AH TOL' YE YOU'D BEEN FOOKIN' A PENGUIN!"
Balls have got to be one of the oldest toys.
They’ve been ‘round a long time.
An Irish man walks into the pub
The bartender asks him: “What’ll you have?” The man says: “Give me three pints of Guinness please.” So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more. The bartender says: “Sir, I know you like them cold. You don’t have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I’ll bring you a fresh cold one.” The man says: “You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we’re drinking together.” The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more. The bartender said to him: “I know what your tradition is, and I’d just like to say that I’m sorry that one of your brothers died.” The man said: “Oh, me brothers are fine – I just quit drinking.”
How would a stoner propose to another stoner?
Marriage-you-wanna?
Why don’t vampires bet on horses?
They can't handle the stakes.
What do English teachers do on Reddit?
Edit: grammar
It’s my wife’s birthday in a couple of days and when I asked her what she wanted she said she’d be happy with anything with lots of diamonds in it…
She’s going to love this pack of playing cards I’ve bought her…
(NSFW) I just heard a joke about Oedipus and Midas
It was Motherfucking Gold.
Once upon a time there was a monk, who farmed carrots.
Every day a thief would sneak into his farm and steal 3 carrots. The monk always tried to stop him, but never succeeded. He began to wonder why the thief was stealing exactly 3 carrots each time. He decided he was going to stop the thief. He started chasing him through the fields, but got outran very quickly. – "I can't run that fast" – The monk thought. He started training. He trained for days, weeks, months, until he became the fastest monk in the whole world. He then returned to his farm. As always, the thief appeared and took 3 carrots. The monk started chasing him through the fields until they reached a fence. The thief jumped over it, but the monk stopped. – "I can't jump that high" – He thought. He trained for days, weeks, months, until he became the highest jumping monk. He returns to the farm, the thief steals 3 carrots, he chases the thief through the fields, they both jump the fence and they arrive at a lake. The thief jumps into it and swims away. – "I can't swim" – The monk thought. He trained for days, weeks, months, until he became the best swimmer among all monks. He returns to the farm, the thief steals 3 carrots, he chases the thief through the fields, they both jump the fence, swim across the lake, they reach a mountain and the thief climbs it. – "I can't climb" – The monk thought. He started training climbing for days, weeks, months, until he became the best monk mountaineer in the world. He returs to his farm, the thief steals 3 carrots, the monk chases him, they both jump the fence, swim across the lake, climb the mountain. When they both arived at the mountain top, the monk blocks the thief's way. Suddenly, he punches the monk in the stomach. – "I can't fight" – the monk thought. He started training for days, weeks, months, until he became the best boxer of all monks. He returs to his farm, the thief steals 3 carrots, the monk chases him, they both jump the fence, swim across the lake, climb the mountain. When they both arive at the mountain top, the monk blocks the thief's way and knocks him down with one punch. – "Why are you only stealing 3 carrots at a time?" – He asked the thief. – "I will tell you, but promise to never tell anybody". And the monk kept his promise.
My wife left me cause Im too insecure
Never mind she was just at the grocery store
My neighbor and I are good friends. So we thought we share our water supply.
We got a long well.
Did you know that it’s wrong to breed eels with eagles?
It’s eel-eagle.
A limbo champion walks into a bar.
He is disqualified.
Christmas is the present holiday.
(Yes, that's a pun.)
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight Professor X: that’s not going to help us Me: yes I see that now
If your iPhone runs out of charge…
Does that mean you are out of apple juice?
An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian…..
…. an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub… The doorman stops them and says sorry I cant let you in without a Thai.
An old guy and a young guy were pushing their carts at Home Depot
When they collided. The old guy says to the young guy. “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.” The young guy says, “That’s okay. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a bit anxious.” The old guy says, “Well maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?" The young guy says, “She is 28 years-old, tall, with brown hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she’s wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?” The old guy says, “Doesn't matter, let’s look for yours.”
What do you call a mummy with a sore throat?
I don’t know. Sir Cough I guess.
My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding …
She got mad and said she’s never playing Scrabble with me again!
The Hindenburg is the greatest feat of aeronautical engineering in all of human history
Edit: Holy shit this blew up
“Son, what’re you drinking” “Soy milk”
"Hola milk, soy es tu padre!"
Clint Eastwood gets called back from the light at the golf tournament yesterday
https://ift.tt/2Hfy47a