I was wondering why music was coming from my printer…?
Apparently the paper was jamming.
As a Pink Floyd fan, nothing makes me angrier than seeing a vegan eating pudding.
Because how can you have any pudding if you don't eat yer meat?
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: “5 lamb chops, please.”
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog. The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius, my ass……… It's the second time this week he's forgotten his keys!
I asked 100 girls what shampoo they prefer to use while taking a shower…
They all replied "How did you get in here??"
Why do the Lannisters have such big beds?
They push twins together to make a king.
I’m not super experienced with wood carving.
I only know a whittle.
I love raising caterpillars as pets.
It always gives me butterflies.
On the last episode of Forged in Fire, a contestant made a blade the cut 4 loaves of bread in just one slice. . .
Now that's what you call a 4 loaf cleaver.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight….
There would be mass confusion
A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”
The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.” “You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said. The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!” the officer said. “I did,” the man replied. “And today I’m taking them to the beach.”
If “womb” is pronounced “woom”, “tomb” is pronounced “toom” then shouldn’t “bomb” be pronounced
"BOOM" I hope that blew your minds
My wife yelled at me, “You’re not even listening, are you?!”
I shouted back, “That’s a weird way to start a conversation!”
Why do ducks make great detectives?
They always quack the case.
Donald Trump dies and goes to hell
In 50 years, he comes to the devil and says: "I know I'm going to spend an eternity here. I would like to ask you for a favor. I miss my country, I miss the United States. Can I go back to Washington DC for 15 minutes? I will go to the nearest bar, drink some beer and have a little chat with the bartender. Then I will return to stay here forever." The devil says "Okay, but I will change your body for the time you are there. Nobody would know or believe you are actually Donald Trump". "That's even better!" says the president. And the next moment POOF! He appears next to a bar. He walks in, orders a mug of beer and starts talking to the bartender: "I have been in a coma for quite a long time. I don't know what's going on in the world. How is our country doing?" "Can't be better!" says the bartender happily. "We are the mightiest nation in the world, we no longer have ANY external threats! All political issues have been resolved! Every country is either our loyal ally or is completely controlled by our government!" "Wait a second" – Trump can't believe his ears – "What about Syria, Iraq, Afghanistan?" -Everything is ours now! We have conquered them! -Then what about Ukraine? -It's also controlled by our government now! -I can't believe this! What about Mexico? China? Turkey? The bartender takes a globe from under the desk, spins it around and says proudly: "The whole world belongs to us. I mean it! Every single country!" Donald Trump is completely shocked. He says in amazement: "I am speechless. I didn't ever think it was possible by any means. Thank you very much. Anyways, I got to go now. How much for the beer?" "350₽, comrade!"
Ever wonder what to say to your sister when she’s crying?
“Are you having a crisis?”
How many germans do you need to change a lightbulb?
One, we are very efficient and not funny
TIL: Humans are born with four kidneys.
When they grow up, two of them become adult knees.
What’s the difference between Xi Jinping and Winnie the Pooh?
Not a joke, I am genuinely curious.
At this point English has become suck up to the teacher class
At this point English has become suck up to the teacher class
Lost Wife
Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around a shopping mall when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?" The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a red halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?" The old guy says, "Doesn't matter – let's look for yours."
Did you hear about the Erectile Dysfunction Anonymous meeting?
It's alright, nobody came.
What exactly is an acorn?
Well, in a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.
I just slipped on a banana skin.
I look ridiculous in it.
Thermoelectric generator
How does these four concepts (thermodynamics, thermal radiation, evaporation, and radiation cooling) works together?
What do you call a dinosaur fart ?
A blast from the past
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind it's tearable.
TIL why nurses always carry red crayons…
It's in case they have to draw blood…
I switched out my bed for a trampoline
Let me tell you that my wife hit the roof when she found out.
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a odd-job man and started with a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Many people say that a pirate’s favourite letter is R but…
It’s actually the P. If you take it away he becomes irate.
You can’t run through a campground
You can only ran, because it’s past tents.
My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.
We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.
Why doesn’t the bullet have a steady job
Because it keeps getting fired
Every day I forget which direction the sun rises…
Then it dawns on me