I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger, and then it hit me.
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At any given moment, the urge to sing, βThe Lion Sleeps Tonightβ…
…is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.
Did you hear about the Irishman who was impervious to bullets?
His name was Rick O'Shea
My friend with the lazy eye just lost his job as a teacher.
He had a real hard time controlling his pupils.
AND HIS NAME IS JOHN CENA!!!π£οΈπ₯π£οΈπ₯
AND HIS NAME IS JOHN CENA!!!π£οΈπ₯π£οΈπ₯
I once played poker with a deck of tarot cards.
I got a full house and 3 people died.
Judge : I order you to pay Β£10,000
MARIO : why Judge : itβs a fine MARIO : (sadly) no itsa not
My penis was in guinness book of world records…
..but then the librarian told me to remove it
a guy with a gun bursts into a bank and screams βa person’s regular occupation, profession, or trade. also known as a commercial enterprise.β
the old lady in front of him whispers to the teller, βIβd do whatever he asks. He means business.β
Did you guys see the preview for the movie about the worlds biggest 18-wheeler?
It was one really long trailer.
I was doing a pretend job interview with my 6 year old daughter and I asked her, βwhere do you see yourself in 5 years?β
She said: βin a mirrorβ This really happened and I still laugh every time I think about it.
I just burnt my Hawaiian pizza
I guess I should have put it on aloha temperature
How many motivational speakers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Zero, because the change starts with you.
A coworker named Celsius recently retired at my work, so they hired a guy named Kelvin to replace him.
He's the new temp. Seems like a cool guy.
Someone Stole My Anti-Depressants
Someone Stole My Anti-Depressants
My 7 year old daughter
Driving home from my family's Christmas party. Daughter – Dad, on Friday I need some French fries. Me – confused..why?? Daughter – because it's Fry-day. So proud.
What kind of music do elfs listen to
Wrap music
Just got my daughter
My four year old was watching a Disney movie while I was in the kitchen. The app we use for Disney on the tv is horribly unreliable (Disney life on amazon firestick), randomly freezing or restarting whatever we're watching. Anyway, I'm scoffing a cake I don't want her to have when I hear a shout. "Daddy, the film is frozen." I go through, look at the TV and tell her "No it's not, that's Moana." I think it's the first time she's both gotten one of my jokes and appreciated how crap it is. Her eye roll and "ugh" brought a tear to my eye.
I never shower before church.
I like to sit in my own pew. Credit to my 7 year old granddaughter.
Me telling my dad Iβm bisexual:
Me: okay, so. I would identify as bisexual. Dad: and that means you would have a male partner Me: yep Dad: and a female partner. Me: yep Dad: and that means your bi Me: yep Dad: so that means if you donβt have a partner your on standbi. Me: Me: Me: Me: did you just
Just want to let you know You all matter
Unless you multiply yourself by the spped of light squared then you Energy
If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme…
Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have have two dollars AT LEAST. And the guy above me? Heβs got tons of dollars.
Where to buy potassium nitrate Canada
Hi, I want to buy potassium nitrate « legal way » in Canada to make homemade rocket, does anyone know where I could buy potassium nitrate ? Thanks
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn’t change color?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
What is Greta Thunbergs favourite country?
MadAtGasCar
How much does it cost to park Santaβs sleigh?
Nothing. Itβs on the house.
I buy my guns from a guy that goes by βT-Rexβ
Heβs a small arms dealer
Women shoots her husband
A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. "I have an interesting case here " he says "A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped". "Have you arrested her ? " asks the sergeant . "No not yet the floor is still wet"
This morning Chuck Norris was shot
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition
Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, “I’m going to become a lion tamer.”
The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming." "Yes I do!" "Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?" "Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down." "Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?" "Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down." "Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?" "Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him." "Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?" "Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage." "Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?" "Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that."
I donβt want to sound racist, but…
Every one in the KKK looks the same to me.
3 men die and go to heaven
At the Pearly Gates they're greeted by Saint Peter Saint Peter: I will let you into heaven if you can show me a spirit of Christmas The first man pulls out a leaf from his pocket and says "this represents the Christmas tree" He is allowed into heaven The second man pulls out his keys "these represent bells" He is allowed into heaven The third man pulls out a pair of women's underwear Saint Peter: good lord what do those represent?! The third man says "oh well these, these are Carols"
On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me…
"If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either." "Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."
A judge asks a defendant to stand…
"You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw." From out of the audience a man shouts "You lying maggot!" "Silence in the court!" the judge shouted back. He turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel." "You Goddamned tightwad!" blurted the spectator. "Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill." "You cheap son of a…" the man starts to shout when the judge thunders back "If you don't tell me the reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold you in contempt!" "I've lived next to that lying maggot for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a damn tool when I needed to borrow one!" I found this and knew I had to post