I was wondering why the Frisbee was getting bigger
Then it hit me.
Why does Gordon Ramsey always use a condom during sex?
Because otherwise, it’s FUCKING RAW!!!
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
After my wide died, I couldn’t look at another woman for 18 years
But when i got out of prison, it was totally worth it
I never say the N-word in my house. Even when Im alone.
Just in case a black person is breaking in. I wouldn’t want to offend them.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants
Bartender: "Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?" Pirate: "Arrrr, it's driving me nuts!"
Just another overly dramatic post.
https://i.redd.it/vrrnd0bt6ca41.jpg
In my career as a lumberjack I cut down exactly 52,487 trees
I know because I kept a log
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture…
But when I got home, the tables were turned…
My girlfriend said she didn’t think it was possible to seriously injure yourself by masturbating
But I managed to pull it off.
What do you call a dinosaur that uses cheap toilet paper?
Megasoreass Thanks! I’ll be here the next two months!
When i was younger i had a invisible Japanese friend…
as i grew up i just realised it was just my imagine-asian
My wife asked me if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner.
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail
But apparently, you can’t end a sentence with a proposition.
Grandpa: What has 4 legs, but isn’t alive?
Boy: A chair, hahaha, nice try gran- Grandpa- It’s your dog, he’s dead jimmy.
My wife called me on the phone, breathless, and said, “Where are you?” I said, “I’m at the pub.”
She said, “I think the baby is coming” Me: I don’t think he can get in. He will be underage.
Two Canadians die and end up in Hell.
The devil decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy. They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty." The devil, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature. He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing. "Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!" The devil realizes he's been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it's at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth. He knows he's won now, so he goes back to the Canadians' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement. He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!" They look at him and shout at the same time, "Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!"
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
Our solar system sucks.
1 star.
A truckload of Vick’s vaporub overturned on the highway.
Amazingly, there was no congestion for 8 hours.
My son asked me if I peeked at my presents early this year…
I told him that I had Clausible deniability.
A woman goes to see her therapist…
The therapist kindly greets the woman. "What brings you here today?" "I am absolutely terrified of random letters." says the woman. The therapist had never heard of such a phobia before. "You are?" The woman begins to scream. "Oh, I see…" The woman screams even louder.
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I just wrote an article trying to compare different versions of The Bible.
There was a lot of Cross referencing.
What does Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common?
You have to be asleep or they can't come.
I once saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall.
I thought to myself, that’s a little condescending.
I put batteries in a mouse
For some reason I was kicked out of the pet store
Why do the French have small breakfasts ?
Because one egg is un oeuf.
