I was wondering why the Frisbee was getting bigger
Then it hit me.
A man is alone in an airport lounge.
A beautiful young woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides that because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty Flight Attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly. He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto, “To fly, to serve”? The young woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line. He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto. “Winning the hearts of the world”? Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face. Undeterred he tries again this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto. “Going beyond expectations”? The woman looks at him sternly and says, “What the fuck do you want”? “Aha”, he says,… "United Airlines".
Well well well bois…Its time for a new (and better) plan!
Well well well bois…Its time for a new (and better) plan!
My dad had a stroke today and made a joke in the hostpital.
So today my dad had a stroke and while we were waiting for doctors to come back he grabbed all the cords to the ekg cords connected to him and said, "I feel like I'm behind the TV!" My dad always makes jokes in time of panic and pain. I guess that's where I get it from.
I was sick and tired of my wife refusing to have sex with me.
So I took matters into my own hands…
What is the sheeps favorite movie?
Baaaaaack to the future
The doctors said that my blood was type-A
But that was a type-O
I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!
How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli is ?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
Why are so many plants transgendered?
Because plants have less stygma to stamen.
I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares
It's nice to have some company
Did you know
You can hear the blood in your veins. If you listen… varicosely
A 3 year old boy examined his testicles in bath
“Mom” He asked “ Are these my brains” “Not yet” She replied
Justice is best served cold.
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
Nobody’s heard from the Zamboni drivers since the NHL cancelled their season.
I'm sure they'll resurface at some point.
These jokes…
At first I thought that these jokes just weren't that funny. Then I realized that I'm depressed… and these jokes aren't that funny.
What do you get from a pampered Cow?
Spoiled milk.
At the end of a soccer game in Japan, the players are starting performing martial arts…
Its what they call Ninjary time.
John Cena wakes up at a hospital
John Cena: Where am I Nurse: ICU John Cena: No you can’t
[First date] Her: So, what do you do? … Him: I’m working to eliminate all cancers.
Her: Wow! That’s impressive! Him: Thanks. Next up, Capricorns.
Why did the Mexican guy take xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
Why did cheese man choose to become a superhero?
For the grater good.
I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
Get a bunny.
It'll put hare on your chest.
Did you hear about the electrician who played guitar?
He was really good with his chord changes
Finally finished my huge book on the history of clocks.
It's about time.
What do you call a ghost’s boobs?
Paranormal entitties.
Just asked Siri….
"Surely it's not going to rain today?" She said "it will, and don't call me Shirley" …Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.
(P+L)(A+N) = PA+PN+LA+LN
Ha! I just foiled your plan!
To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you…..
You have my Word.
What do you get if you cross Islam and Capitalism?
No more jokes about the profit.
A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”
Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?
The nicest thing you could ever do for someone is define the word “bargain”.
It means a great deal.
I’m entering into the world’s tightest hat competition
I hope I can pull it off.
I bought my friend an elephant for their room
They said, "Thanks." "Don't mention it," I answered.