I wasn’t sure if this belonged here, r/im14andthisisdeep, or r/forwardsfromgrandma
“How much to buy a singing ensemble?” “You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?”
My dad died last year because I couldn’t remember his blood type in time for the paramedics to give him a blood transfusion.
As he was dying he kept saying be positive, but it's been really hard without him.
A North American Elk walks into a pizzeria…
A North American Elk walks into a pizzeria and sits at an empty table while he waits for the waiter. The waiter hands him a menu and the Elk ponders for a bit. He's not really in the mood for pizza, so he narrows it down to pasta. The Elk is finally ready to order, so he calls for the waiter. The waiter asks him what he wants, and the Elk hesitates for a second. "Locomotive." The waiter is puzzled. "What?" "Land Rover." "Sir, that's not on the menu." "Lake Michigan." The waiter is unsure what to say. Frustrated, the Elk brings his leg up on the table to point out what he wants on the menu. "This is what I want." "Sir, you don't have any fingers… I can't tell what you're pointing at." "Just give me the damn spaghetti."
What is the most popular animal in Reddit?
A karmadillo.
Having gay parents must suck
You either have to live with twice the number of dad jokes or you get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mum."
The girl with the big booty and a lisp wasn’t at work
She must have called in thick
Did you know the first French fries where not made in France?
They where made in grease.
I bought a guitar made out of diamond.
Now I can play some hard rock.
I like my women like i like my toasters
Turned on and in the bath tub with me
I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.
I guess that's what I get for getting a pure bread dog.
Why did the slave go to college?
So he could pickup his Master’s degree…
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!”
I thought that was a really odd way to start a conversation with me.
What’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
I don’t know and I don’t care.
How do you turn a three dimensional printer into a four dimensional printer?
Just give it time.
There was a kidnapping at school
Don't worry, he woke up
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.
As I was standing there, I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin. Three hours later and they’re still walking about with it. I thought to myself, “They’ve lost the plot.”
My wife yelled at me, telling me to put the toilet seat down…
Don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent!
Two dwarfs Grumpy and Happy went to Vatican and meet the pope.
Grumpy, seems a little worried and he keeps asking the pontiff questions about the church, and in particular, nuns. "Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?" "No, my son, all our nuns are at least five feet tall." "Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say, about my height? Maybe a little shorter?" "I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?" "No reason." Pause. "Positive? Nobody in a habit that's about three feet tall or two and a half feet tall?" "I'm sure." "Okay." Grumpy looks dejected at this news, and the pope wonders why. So he listens to the dwarfs as they leave the building. "What'd he say? What'd he say?" asks Happy. Grumpy says, "He said they don't have any." And the Happy starts shouting, "Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin!"….
“Hey Watson, is that mud on our boots?”
“No, shit, Sherlock.”
I could never date a single mum.
Because then they wouldn't be single.
My neighbor is a 90 year old with alzheimer’s, I see him every morning and he asks me If I’ve seen his wife. Everyday I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question
But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.
What do you get when you plant a Donut?
A pastree.
A one-man police department was disbanded. The chief left the town meeting in his underwear
https://ift.tt/2SJYMM4
A husband will only have sex with his wife on one condition
A married couple of 20 years were as normal as could be, bar one little quirk the husband had in the bedroom. He'd only have sex with the lights off. The wife assumed he merely had some shame in the penile department, but she loved him, so happily obliged. An added bonus was that it felt like he was actually reasonably well-equipped downstairs, so everything was good. However, 20 years of blind sex took its toll on her and their relationship. In the middle of one of their love-making sessions, the wife dived for the lamp and turned on the light. She saw her husband with his pants on and a dildo in hand. There was a brief moment of silence, then the wife sternly stated "You have some explaining to do." The husband looked her dead in the eye and said "I'll explain this when you explain the kids".
My wife said she was reading a banned book
I asked if it was about marching or jazz
Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.
Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me.
It means a lot.
A lady died and went to heaven, upon seeing God she says “there is one this I always wanted to know. “
“Ok, ask away” God said. “Do vaccines cause autism?” She asked. “the truth is no, vaccines have nothing to do with autism” God admitted. The women shakes her head and says “They got to you too, this thing really goes high up.”
One in 3 Americans
weighs as much as the other two combined
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
They say to never go shopping for food when you’re hungry
but it's been a week already and I keep getting hungrier and hungrier.
My girlfriend walked out on me for being too old fashioned…
I thought we had good alchemy…
A man had a bad case of stuttering. He went to many doctors over the years, but none of them could help him. Finally one doctor said to him “I believe I found the reason for your stuttering”.
The man asked, "Waah.. waaah.. waah.. what is my pro… proo… problem?" The doctor replied, "Your penis is very, very large. The weight of your penis is causing a strain on your larynx, and this results in your stuttering. The only solution to this is to perform a penis transplant." The man was really tired of his stuttering, so he agreed to a transplant. Several days later the doctor called the man up and informed him that they have found a suitable donor. The transplant operation was successfully performed and the man could speak without any stutter. At first he was happy, but after a while he began to miss his large penis, and how the girls used to love it. He finally went back to his doctor and said, "Doctor, I am grateful for the opportunity you have given me to speak without a stutter, but I miss my old penis. Please find the transplant donor and tell him that we have to exchange penises back." The doctor shook his head and replied, "Tha…thaaa…that's im… immm… imm… po.. po.. pooo.. impossible!"