I watched a documentary on frogs the other day
It was ribbiting.
My wisdom will kill me one day
I went to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle, bought a bottle of whisky and put it in the bicycle basket As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the whisky before I cycled home. Finally, it turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home. Imagine what would have happened to the bottle!…. Edit => Wow , thanks for all the upvotes. However, I feel bad, as it is not my own joke
A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.
He still has the right to remain silent.
How do you get your ducks in a row?
Use duck tape, of course!
Where do little jokes come from?
Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke at a bar and then they knock knock.
So doc, what you are saying is I should touch myself whenever I feel like it?
No, I said you can have a stroke at any time.
I recently took a pole and 100% of the people…
…were upset when their tent collapsed
A feminist told me about the “Dwayne Johnson Rule”
The rule, as she explained it, was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it. I thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her: "I think the stubble suits you!"
A man stumbles upon a magic lamp…
He rubs the lamp and a genie pops out! The genie says that he will grant the man only one wish, and that he has to pick from three choices. He can either be the richest man in the world, the most popular man in the world, or the wisest man in the world. The man says "We all know that money does not bring happiness, and that popularity just makes you a slave to the whims of others, but wisdom is everlasting. I want to be the wisest man in the world." The Genie goes "poof" and suddenly the man's face assumes a serene expression. He sits down, rubbing his chin in thought. Then he looks towards the genie and says, "I should have taken the money".
I quit my job as a postman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”
Why can’t you have a nose that’s 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot.
What did the light house keeper do when he lost his job?
He became a maid, he was already accustomed to performing light house work.
Why is gambling illegal in China
Because they hate Tibet
How quickly did the costume store employees clean up the sombrero spill?
At the drop of a hat!
Genie: I will grant you two wishes.
Guy: two? It’s always three, right? Genie: look at your crotch. Guy: Damn, that’s a huge dick. Genie: I’ve been doing this for centuries. You’re welcome.
Hi everyone 24(F) here
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
Just got to get this off my chest…. I’m getting sick and tired of people complaining about the price of things, $2.70 for coffee, $1.50 a cookie, $4.00 an hour for parking.
If I hear any more moaning.. I'm stopping inviting people to my house.
Parents are supposed to wrap empty boxes to put under the tree. Then when the children are naughty, throw one in the fire.
But what if they run out of children?
What’s the downside to cumming on the face of the girl you like?
Having to clean the monitor.
I gave my girlfriend an orgasm last night.
She spat it right back in my face. Credits: Jimmy Carr
– I wish I was a billionaire, just like my dad
Oh, so your dad was a billionaire? No, he also wished he were.
I just got fired from my job as a taxi driver…
Turns out people don’t like it when you go the extra mile for them.
Why is an island like the letter T?
because it’s in the middle of water
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
A ba-na-na-naaaa.
I finally figured out what’s wrong with my brain.
On the left side, there is nothing right. On the right side, there is nothing left.
A coach is looking after a young ice hockey team
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative. "Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes. "So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head." Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'adumb a–hole', is it?" Again the little boy nodded. "Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."
What does a robot do after sex
Nuts and bolts
Why did the soda factory worker quit his job?
It was too much fizzical labor.
I regret not commenting enough in my early years of CS, it’s just a habit of mine now
https://ift.tt/3aw0QNJ
How did Dr. Frankenstein find where his monster was hiding?
He had a hunch
What do you call a dog that does magic?
A labracadabrador
Why do pornos always end with the guy coming?
Because it sure as hell can't start with the guy leaving.
Geology rocks …
but geography is where it’s at!!
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
My wife always accuses me of having a favorite child.
It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.