I watched a documentary on frogs the other day
It was ribbiting.
At first I didn’t like having a beard
But then it grew on me
What’s the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber?
One is a raving showman, and the other is a shaving Roman.
Axe Body Spray responded to Netflix’s tweet “what’s something you can say during sex but also when you manage a brand twitter account?” And responded with “Now 33% bigger.”
What they should have said is "we will make you gag".
Old Turkish joke
One day Temel, the truck driver, while driving down a hill realizes that his brakes are not working. The truck is going faster and faster, until he reaches an intersection. Temel looks around. On his right, there is a child; on his left, there is a bazaar with more than 100 people. As a “clever” man, Temel chooses to drive towards the child instead of the bazaar. However, the next day, newspaper headlines read “TEMEL DROVE HIS TRUCK INTO THE BAZAAR, 40 KILLED, 35 INJURED”. They ask Temel: “How come you commit such an act?” Temel answers: “Everything happened when the child started to run towards the bazaar”.
While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.
A very attractive golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay?" "I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart. She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later." I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure. "That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it." "Oh, come on now." she insisted. She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive. I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed, "But I'm sure my wife won't like it." After a couple of Scotch and waters, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything.By the way,where is she?" I replied, "Still under the cart, I guess" …
What did one bone say to another bone?
Let’s meet up and share a joint.
My wife asked me if I wanted kids…
I told her, no, but I wouldn't mind playing with the box they came in.
What makes a good tongue twister?
Well, it’s hard to say.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it's full groan
Orion’s Belt, what a waist of space.
Terrible joke, only 3 stars.
Justice is best served cold.
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
Why shouldn’t you kiss someone on January 1st?
It’s only the first date.
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom…
….First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.
Why is your nose in the middle of your face
Because its the scenter
What’s similarity between playing a chess and having a dinner in Australian restaurant?
They both end with “Checkmate”.
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted
I wish I had a pony.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way. Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does. Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth. Genie: You son of a ……..
My wife found out I was cheating after she found all the letters I had hidden.
She went crazy and said she won't play Scrabble with me again
Wife’s best friend: how come you never buy her flowers?
Me: I didn’t even know she was selling flowers
Why doesn’t it hurt to get hit with a soda?
They’re soft drinks.
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
A do-you-think-he-saurus
Two whales are in the ocean, and one whale says to the other:
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Who’s Santa’s favorite singer?
Elf-is Presley.
What does sex and bungee jumping have in common?
The thrill only lasts about 30 seconds,and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son’s house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?!", she asked. "I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work", the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress", the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!" "Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress", she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me". The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress," she whispered sensually. "Needs ironing"…
Iron Man is FeMale
Refer to the periodic table of elements with questions.