I watched a dwarf escape from prison today. As he climbed down the fence, he smirked at me.
I thought to myself, "Hmmm, that's a little condescending."
"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."
Zero fucks were given.
When the punchline’s a motherf*cker.
Inside jokes, only.
The psychiatrist says "Well I can clearly see your nuts"
Just need to find a place to bury her.
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish
My therapist said I'm lack toes intolerant.
I can't tell you how much it means to me
Two young brothers decide its time they start cussing. So one night the elder makes a plan, "this morning at breakfast, I'll say damn and you say fuck" the younger agrees and they go to bed eager for the next morning. Breakfast time comes and their mother ask what they'd like to eat. The older brother says "I'd like some damn cheerios!" The mother slaps him so hard he's knocked out of his seat. She turns to the younger and says "well what about you?" He says "well I'm sure as fuck not asking for cheerios."
Quick tip for all you girls: If I bring you your breakfast in bed you are supposed to say things like "Thank you sweetie" or maybe "Aww, I love you too!" And not things like "Who the hell are you?" and "How the fuck did you get into my house?"
I wasn't putting in enough shifts
Because their horns don’t work. (I can’t imagine this isn’t a repost, so delete if need be)
Mom: You sure about this? I think you deserve better. Me: But mom, I love her so much! Mom: I'm talking to her.
But nobody will give me a straight answer.
1 "you believe in Santa Claus" 2 "you dont believe in Santa Claus" 3 "you ARE Santa Claus" 4 "you LOOK like Santa Claus"
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I'd give it one star.
Because travelling through time petrifies them!
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
But the definition is unclear.
Looks like Americans are finally gonna get a taste of democracy and freedom.
That priest is in prison now
A quarter pounder.
Because they didn't want to elect ron
Employee: Of course sir. Which one? Me: William.
Hey bud, when do you open? 😆
They took him into custardy
True story: today at work, I was getting ready to discharge a patient from the recovery room after surgery, and I asked “how do you feel?” Without hesitation he replied “with my fingers” and the old guy in the next bay chuckled and yelled “good one!”
"Back in my day, it was Monday".
its pasture bed time
Shortcake (Sorry, I needed a cake related joke for my first year on reddit)
Sometimes he laughs.
She’s been raising a lot of red flags.