I watched a dwarf escape from prison today. As he climbed down the fence, he smirked at me.
I thought to myself, "Hmmm, that's a little condescending."
My girlfriend said, “You act like a detective too much. I want to split up.”
"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."
I complained to my wife about our sexless marriage
Zero fucks were given.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline’s a motherf*cker.
The CDC has a recommendation for telling jokes during the pandemic…
Inside jokes, only.
A guy walks in to a psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts
The psychiatrist says "Well I can clearly see your nuts"
It sings and drives
John Travolvo
I’m a 40-year old with the body of a 20-year old.
Just need to find a place to bury her.
Clint Eastwood gets called back from the light at the golf tournament yesterday
https://ift.tt/2Hfy47a
What’s the difference between a piano, fish and glue
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish
My girlfriend was born without her little toe and the sight of her foot makes me physically ill.
My therapist said I'm lack toes intolerant.
I just won an award for most secretive person in the office
I can't tell you how much it means to me
Two young brothers decide its time they start cussing….
Two young brothers decide its time they start cussing. So one night the elder makes a plan, "this morning at breakfast, I'll say damn and you say fuck" the younger agrees and they go to bed eager for the next morning. Breakfast time comes and their mother ask what they'd like to eat. The older brother says "I'd like some damn cheerios!" The mother slaps him so hard he's knocked out of his seat. She turns to the younger and says "well what about you?" He says "well I'm sure as fuck not asking for cheerios."
Girls these days really don’t know what romanticism and respect is
Quick tip for all you girls: If I bring you your breakfast in bed you are supposed to say things like "Thank you sweetie" or maybe "Aww, I love you too!" And not things like "Who the hell are you?" and "How the fuck did you get into my house?"
I was fired from the keyboard factory today
I wasn't putting in enough shifts
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work. (I can’t imagine this isn’t a repost, so delete if need be)
Me: Mom meet my girlfriend.
Mom: You sure about this? I think you deserve better. Me: But mom, I love her so much! Mom: I'm talking to her.
What is the nation where everyone stays younger ?
Rejuvenation
So I’ve been asking what LGBTQ is,
But nobody will give me a straight answer.
The four stages of Santa Clause in a man’s life…
1 "you believe in Santa Claus" 2 "you dont believe in Santa Claus" 3 "you ARE Santa Claus" 4 "you LOOK like Santa Claus"
![[Announcement] If you keep spamming your youtube channels here then your post will be marked as spam.](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/no_image_card-45-400x247.png)
[Announcement] If you keep spamming your youtube channels here then your post will be marked as spam.
Which means that you will not only be banned from posting to this sub but you may get a shadow ban from reddit. Shadow ban means that you will not be able to post anything to ANY subreddit. Just follow the rules before posting.
If I had to rate our solar system,
I'd give it one star.
Why can’t trees time-travel?
Because travelling through time petrifies them!
I can’t believe that even after 15 years, I would still hear people making “Friends” references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
I looked up opaque in the dictionary
But the definition is unclear.
The president of the US is threatening to send the military to suppress US citizens.
Looks like Americans are finally gonna get a taste of democracy and freedom.
I was blessed with a 9 inch penis
That priest is in prison now
What do you call a 25 cent hooker?
A quarter pounder.
Why did the protons vote for Harry Potter to be president?
Because they didn't want to elect ron
I walked into a bookstore and asked an employee “Do you have any books by Shakespeare?”
Employee: Of course sir. Which one? Me: William.
What did the bee say to the daffodil? 🌼
Hey bud, when do you open? 😆
What did the police do when they caught the thief stealing the desserts from the bakery?
They took him into custardy
I’m ashamed I never thought of it
True story: today at work, I was getting ready to discharge a patient from the recovery room after surgery, and I asked “how do you feel?” Without hesitation he replied “with my fingers” and the old guy in the next bay chuckled and yelled “good one!”
I wonder if old houseflies tell the younger ones stories like:
"Back in my day, it was Monday".
What did the momma cow say to the baby cow
its pasture bed time
What does an elf have for his birthday?
Shortcake (Sorry, I needed a cake related joke for my first year on reddit)
I really enjoy telling Dad Jokes
Sometimes he laughs.
Recently started dating a chinese girl but not sure if I want to keep going.
She’s been raising a lot of red flags.
