I went on a date with a girl from an online dating website…
… I was worried she'd be fatter than she looked in her pictures. Turns out he wasn't.
What is Pac-Man’s favorite cooking utensil?
A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok…
A young blonde fears that her boyfriend is seeing another girl…
One day, the girl is visiting her boyfriend's apartment for lunch and stumbles across another woman's discarded garments on his bedroom floor. After sitting coolly through the meal, avoiding eye contact, she quietly excuses herself without explanation. She is incredibly hurt, and on her way home finds herself in a local gun shop, purchasing a handgun. The next day she awakens with renewed vengeance for her lover's betrayal. She dresses and immediately heads straight to his apartment, gun tucked in the back of her pants as a failsafe in case things get ugly. Not bothering to knock, she bursts into her boyfriend's apartment to find him and a brunette cuddled up on the couch. As the reality sinks in, the blonde is overcome with complete despair and rage. She whips the gun out and holds it to her own head. The boyfriend leaps off the couch and starts begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The blonde, a vile look in her crazed eyes, entirely devoid of that love she once knew, snarls, "Shut up. You're next."
A cop pulls over an old lady driving 35 mph down the highway…
“Why are you driving so slow, ma’am?” The old lady replies, “Because it’s the speed limit, don’t you see the signs?” The cop says, “Those aren’t speed limit signs, it actually says you are on Highway 35.” The cop notices her three passengers look absolutely terrified. “What’s wrong with them?” the cop asks. The old lady answers, “Not sure, they’ve looked like that since I got off Highway 109.”
Whoever invented the knock-knock joke
should get a no bell prize.
A porn actor calls in sick
"I can't come today"
You should never run with scissors…
And conversely, you should never scissor with the runs.
Instead of a swear jar I have a pessimism jar, every time I have a negative thought I put a coin in.
It’s currently half empty
Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?
Well, technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws.
Before I die
Before I die I am going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn. That should make the cremation a little more interesting.
I can cut wood just by looking at it.
It's true. I saw it with my own eyes.
A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present!” The cop growls, “You ARE the lawyer!”
The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So where’s my present?!"
What do you call the wife of a hippie?
Mississippi
they say a watermelon is 99% water
but it's literally 50%
My wife was abducted by a gang of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to her.
Called my friend.
I called my friend just now and said, "I have a joke for you." Friend: "Ok shoot" Me: "What has a tiny penis and hangs down?" Friend: "I dunno what?" Me: A bat.. now what has an enormous penis and hangs up? Friend: I dunno what? Click
Why don’t mitochondria have girlfriends?
Because they're incells.
What do you get when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence?
An udder disaster
My dads best one yet
My family were on vacation and we were going on a hike. We had been walking for a little over an hour when my sister she had something in her shoe that was bothering her. She asked us to stop so she could take it out and my dad excitedly agreed. I was super confused as to why he seemed so excited, so I stopped as well. My sister sat down, took off her shoe, and my dad gasped dramatically. “Oh my god! There was a foot in your shoe.” He proceeded to laugh himself to tears, while I laughed at his reaction to his own dad joke.
Genie: Okay what’s your last wish?
Me: I wish I had a tail. Genje: Wejrd but okay.
The fact that this happened at a private school is crazyy
The fact that this happened at a private school is crazyy
Three girls all had boyfriends with the same name, so in order to avoid confusion, they decided to give the boys nicknames.
The first girl said: "I call my man 7-Up." "Why do you call him that?" asked her friends. "Because he’s seven inches long and is always up." The second girl said: "I call my man Mountain Dew." "Why do you call him that?" said the other two. "Because he likes to mount me and do me!" The third girl said: "I call my man Jack Daniels." The others look at her in bewilderment and say: "Why do you call your man that? Jack Daniels is a hard liquor." "Exactly."
My wife is amazing
She just bought me a $500,000 life insurance policy and a free all-inclusive trip to the Dominican Republic!
Two female parrots
A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing." “What do they say?" the priest inquired. “They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" the woman said embarrassingly. “That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that…that phrase in no time." “Thank you," the lady responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!" Edit: wow guys, first post above 1.0k 🙂 glad you all liked it!
I can’t believe someone stole my limbo pole the other day…
I mean, how low can you go?
Whats red and smells like yellow paint
Red paint
With relationships, they say there’s plenty of fish in the sea…
But I'm just stuck here holding my rod
The wife’s leaving me because of my sexual fetishes
I said yeah fine and remember to slam the door on my cock on the way out.
He’s going to want legal immunity in exchange for leaving after he gets beat.
https://ift.tt/34feAtl