I went to a haunted bed and breakfast in France
That place was giving me the crêpes
A man walks into a bank wearing a mask. Everyone freaks out.
“Relax” he says, “I’m just here to rob the place”
My wife thinks I don’t give her enough privacy.
At least that's what she said in her diary.
The old lady fell in a deep hole in the ground.
She couldn’t see that well.
A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, “Get out. We don’t serve rope in here.” So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.
The bartender says, “Hey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?” The rope replied, “No. I’m a frayed knot.”
What did the sun bring to eat at the beach?
A light snack
What do you give a cannibal that shows up late to a dinner party?
The cold shoulder.
I don’t know why they haven’t put any advertisements on the hulk
He is essentially a giant banner
A North American Elk walks into a pizzeria…
A North American Elk walks into a pizzeria and sits at an empty table while he waits for the waiter. The waiter hands him a menu and the Elk ponders for a bit. He's not really in the mood for pizza, so he narrows it down to pasta. The Elk is finally ready to order, so he calls for the waiter. The waiter asks him what he wants, and the Elk hesitates for a second. "Locomotive." The waiter is puzzled. "What?" "Land Rover." "Sir, that's not on the menu." "Lake Michigan." The waiter is unsure what to say. Frustrated, the Elk brings his leg up on the table to point out what he wants on the menu. "This is what I want." "Sir, you don't have any fingers… I can't tell what you're pointing at." "Just give me the damn spaghetti."
I have a friend who is a transgender atheist.
They are a she now, but they were a heathen.
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don't know but the flag is a big plus.
I got the words jacuzzi and yakuza confused.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
After a procedure… Doctor: Avoid strenuous activity for the next two weeks
Me: Can I play piano? Doctor: Yes you can. Me: Wow! Thanks! I never could before.
To the person who stole my selfie stick…
…You need to take a long look at yourself.
Whenever I undress in my bathroom,
my shower gets turned on.
If you ever find yourself at -273.15 Celsius,
just remember that you will still be 0K.
A man is on trial for killing and eating a spotted owl.
He tells the judge, "I'm sorry it was endangered, but I had been lost in the woods for five days and I was starving." The judge deliberates a while and dismisses the case. Before the man leaves the judge whispers, "Between you and me, how did it taste?" The man replies, "It was sort of like a cross between a bald eagle and a harp seal."
I slept like a baby last night..
I spent half the night crying and then shit myself.
My wife asked me to put tomato ketchup on the shopping list that I was writing out.
I can't read a fucking word now.
As i suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden
The plot thickens
I sexually identify as Michael Jackson
My pronouns are He/Hee
Are you today’s date?
Because you're 10/10.
Yesterday I went to temporary tattoo parlour and got a tattoo.
But It wouldn't wash off this morning, so I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
What did Jesus say after he resurrected on the third day?
"You crossed the wrong guy."
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for?
Plastic explosives
I just got a new job at a bicycle repair shop.
I’m their new spokesman.
True story: Driving back home, my 5 year old son says “How do you spell ‘penis’?”. My wife looks at me curiously and then asks “Why?”
After a few moments of silence, my son replies "That's it?"
After getting sick of my dad jokes, my wife locked me out of the house.
I texted her, “Oh pun the door!”
Why did Thor lose his power to use lighting?
His father grounded him
Doctor: “Relax Steven, relax. Everything is gonna be alright.”
Patient: "But doctor, I am not Steven. My name is Mike." Doctor: "I know, I am Steven."
What do you name a smart pig?
Cunningham
And the award for best neckwear goes to…
…well would you look at that, it's a tie.
What did Cinderella say when her photos got lost in the mail?
"I wonder when my prints will come…"
Met a homeless man with a sign that said “One Dollar for a Dirty Joke”
Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar. Homeless man: "All right sir, what's your name?" Me: "John." Homeless man: "So John, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have?" Me: "Two?" Homeless man: "Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?" Me: "Two?" Homeless man: "Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?" Me: "Two?" Homeless man: "Right again, now look at that white cat walking around – how many hairs are on that white cat?" Me: "I don't know. A lot?" Homeless man: "Well John, how do you know so much about black cock and so little about white pussy?"
Why cant Stevie Wonder see his friends?
Because he is married
What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hare line.
I got gas today for $1.39
Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell.
It wasn’t until I slapped the statue’s ass.
That I realized I had hit rock bottom
Why can’t you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick. Source: my actual Dad.
Scientists have discovered that diarrhea is hereditary.
It runs in your jeans.