I went to a haunted bed and breakfast in France
That place was giving me the crêpes
I circumcise elephants for a living.
It doesn’t pay much but the tips are huge.
I, for one
Like roman numerals.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Just beer i guess.
My dad died recently.
He was in an accident and lost a lot of blood but nobody knew his blood-type. I’ll never forget his inspirational last words, “Be positive”.
Why is it called Almond milk?
Because no one would buy it if it was called nut juice.
A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don’t know what to do.
About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, “I know what we’ll do. After I’ve operated on the priest, I’ll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle.” “Do you think it will work?” she asks the doctor. “It’s worth a try,” he says. So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, “Father, you’re not going to believe this.” “What?” says the priest. “What happened?” “You gave birth to a child.” “But that’s impossible!” “I just did the operation,” insists the doctor. “It’s a miracle! Here’s your baby.” About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, “Son, I have something to tell you. I’m not your father.” The son says, “What do you mean, you’re not my father?” The priest replies, “I’m your mother. The archbishop is your father.”
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball. The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table — whole!" "Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything." The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves. Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."
What do you call a horse who doesn’t listen to its’ rider?
A neigh-sayer. 😛
A North American Elk walks into a pizzeria…
A North American Elk walks into a pizzeria and sits at an empty table while he waits for the waiter. The waiter hands him a menu and the Elk ponders for a bit. He's not really in the mood for pizza, so he narrows it down to pasta. The Elk is finally ready to order, so he calls for the waiter. The waiter asks him what he wants, and the Elk hesitates for a second. "Locomotive." The waiter is puzzled. "What?" "Land Rover." "Sir, that's not on the menu." "Lake Michigan." The waiter is unsure what to say. Frustrated, the Elk brings his leg up on the table to point out what he wants on the menu. "This is what I want." "Sir, you don't have any fingers… I can't tell what you're pointing at." "Just give me the damn spaghetti."
Why do the people of Athens never wake up early?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece
SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. What you may not know is that Tuba is also an acronym…
For Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
I was watching porn with my wife and she complained, “This is so unrealistic.”
I said, “Just because you’re unwilling to try new things, doesn’t mean everyone’s that frigid.” “Not that,” she explained, “It’s just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks.”
Which planet has the most bread?
Jupitta
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An investigator!
Well… Well… Well…
If it isn't 3 holes in the ground…
The girl with no arms and legs laying by the pool
There’s a girl with no arms and legs laying by a pool. She's tanning and enjoying herself when a handsome guy walks by and grabs her attention. She yells over to him and asks if he can help her with something. The guy feels bad for her so he walks over and asks her what she needs. She says, “Well you see…I’m a virgin, and you are a very good looking guy." The guy looks at her confused as to what she is hinting at. She continues, "I've never had sex before, and I've always wanted to get fucked." The guy responds, "Oh I see what you mean now." So he throws her in the pool and says, “Now you’re fucked.”
Why do dogs float in water?
Because they’re good buoys
Pregnant wife: What should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: Herbert pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b- me: Himbert
Not to brag, but I beat the local chess champion in less than 5 moves yesterday.
Finally my high school karate lessons came of some use.
I heard the woman who wrote Beyblade died today.
Let her RIP.
Sauron is a great name.
It has a nice ring to it.
It’s understandable. He’s not used to not getting his own way all of the time.
https://ift.tt/3c8cfUm
I’m a scientist doing research in bestiality.
Come by if you're interested in any details. I'll be in my lab.
I work in a hospital, and I found a rectal thermometer in my pocket today.
Some asshole must have my pen.