I went to a premature ejaculator’s support group today.
Turns out I came early.
How do you drive this thing
Donald Trump and Barack Obama ended up at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel." The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife, Michelle, doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."
Only retards do that
The doctor described his condition as stable!
I thought to myself, "What a peculiar clerk."
“Nope. It’s as easy as 1,1,2,3.”
It was a day well spent
She freaked out and shouted "What?!!! Why??!!!" I told her: "I would rather have a doctor do that"
Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."
a cold shoulder
I was on the phone with my wife and said, “I’m almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on.” After a twenty second pause, I asked, “You still there sweetheart?”
"Yeah…" she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…"
Loving my new sniper rifle.
My son wanted some girl advice, so I told him, “If you are intimidated by a date, remember one thing.”
They are just big raisins.
Me: I wish I had a tail. Genje: Wejrd but okay.
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that? Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Arlene: Where did you get it? Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy. The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers. 'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The well, actually.
I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.
It was like music to my arse
Sorry, just practicing.
FML, now I'm stuck taking care of the puppy.
Not impressed. Had a canon printer for years.
The horse-pital Just kidding it gets shot
Because she will just let it go.
They were dentical twins.
I nearly fell off of my unicorn.
But I didn’t think that would make any cents
… on the other hand, I'm okay.
I just didn't want toupee for it
I just told her that he was all white.
Son: “But dad, your name is John.” Me: “I know, but I was named AFTER Stephen Hawking.”
A nervous wreck
I have a friend who was born on October 10th. Every year for his birthday I get him a 3 foot long fence pole. He hates it.
It might be stupid, but 10/10 wood post again.