I went to a restaurant and they served me hydrogen atoms cooked at millions of degrees.
They said that it was a fusion cuisine.
Two radio antennas fell in love and got married
The wedding wasn’t much but the reception was incredible!
Why don’t vegetarians moan during sex?
They don’t want to admit that a piece a meat makes them happy
The three unwritten rules of life
1. 2. 3.
I wanna try asking out my school crush, but it might come off as awkward
Man being a teacher is hard
The teacher asks a boy if he remembered the chemical formula of water, which she told them yesterday.
He replied “ H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O! H to O!
So it turns out that one of my old friends might be going blind.
He’s not looking so good.
A priest, an imam and a rabbit walk into a blood bank
The rabbit says : I think I might be a type O.
Why did EA cross the road?
Buy the DLC to find out
Got my friend with this one, she was not too happy…
Me: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself. Friend: Seriously!? Who!? Me: Uh, I can't remember… I think her name was Reese something? Friend: WITHERSPOON!!?? Me: No, it was with a knife…
My buddy said ‘There’s only one thing about Halloween that scares me.’
I asked, 'Which is?' 'Exactly', he replied.
My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
That is not a good sign.
I couldn’t believe my friend when he said he sterile…
I said, "no kidding?!"
What did the bald dad say after receiving a comb for Christmas?
I will never part with this.
What do a tornado, a hurricane, and a redneck divorce have in common?
Somebody's gonna lose their trailer.
This season of Earth is not realistic
So many plot holes. Like, where did the murder hornets go? Why introduce them if they're not important to the story? I'm feeling Lost.
I hope Death is a woman.
That way it will never come for me.
When I was learning to drive in the winter, my Dad told me, “If you’re ever lost in the snow, wait for a plow truck, then follow it.”
One cold, snowy Minnesota night, I got lost on the way home. The snow was blowing so fast and piling up so high, I couldn't see any street signs. With no map in my car and a dead cell phone, I thought I might be stranded so I pulled over to the side of the road. Then breaking through the flurries, I saw the headlights of a plow truck in my rearview mirror. Thanking my lucky stars, I turned in and followed the truck, hopeful that it would lead me back somewhere I recognized. I followed that truck for what felt like hours. He turned left, I'd turn left. He'd swing to the right, and I was right on his tail. After a while, I saw brake lights from the plow, followed by four-way flashers. The plow had stopped, and I saw the driver get out and approach my car. I rolled down the window to talk to him. "Why are you following me, kid?" the plow driver asked. "Well sir, my dad told me if I was ever lost in a snowstorm, I should wait for a plow truck and then follow it." "Well," said the plow driver. "I just finished clearing the Target parking lot. Want to follow me over to Best Buy??"
When Unity’s loading screen finally coincides with your feelings about your project.
https://ift.tt/2u4Mi83
Boobs are like the sun.
You can stare at em longer if you're wearing sunglasses.
What’s the difference between in-laws and Outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
An EA developer dies and gets do decide if wheather he wants to go to heaven or to hell.
First, he checks out heaven and sees that it's pretty standard stuff, angels, clouds, peace, but nothing really interesting. Then he checks out hell. Really cool parties going on all over the place, infinite amount of drinks and drugs, beautiful women everywhere. Obviously, he chooses hell, but as soon as gets there, he gets thrown into a tub of boiling water, with demons poking him with pitchforks. He starts complaining to the Devil, that this isn't what he was shown. The Devil replies, "Well, sorry mate, that was just the E3 demo".
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
Aye Matey.
Did you hear about the hit and run in Nepal?
They found Himalayan in the street!
When my friend said I knew nothing about Asia..
…I ran out of there like a bull in a japan shop.
I made a computer program read 100 jokes from this subreddit, then made it tell a joke based on those. Here’s what it said.
Why did you make me read the same thing 100 times?
A cowboy is captured by indians. The chief tells the cowboy they’ll grant 3 requests before they scalp him.
The cowboy thinks a minute then says, " I wish to say goodbye to my horse then to set him free." So they bring him his horse, he whispers in its ear then sets him off into the sunset. He tells the chief he needs to mull over the third request and the chief agrees to wait until sunset. As the sun dips in the sky, here comes the horse back, with a beautiful brunette in the saddle. "Is this your last request?" the chief asks. "Uh, no," says the cowboy. "My last request is to say goodbye to my horse once more." "Ok…" says the chief. The cowboy leans into his horses ear and hisses, "You idiot! I said 'Posse! Posse!"
Back when writing in pointlessly complicated ways was a form of social esteem
https://ift.tt/3aCum58
Cashier: Would you like to donate $2 to end world hunger?
Me: Of course. Holy shit, I had no idea we were that close.
