I went to a restaurant…
It was full; no place to sit… I took out my mobile, placed it to my ear and said loudly- "Bro, come fast, she's here with someone else". Six couples ran away..
Protect and Serve
He’s workin’ hard for your vote!
Pacific garbage patch.
Staying home is easy…
New Year’s Resolution
Landlords when they have to give back a deposit.
According to a survey, 80% of the people don’t know how to use the superlative degree in English.
That's the most stupidest thing that I've ever heard.
Multicore programming be like
As a beginner
I went to the shop to buy 6 cans of Sprite
I wasn't untill I got home I realised that I picked 7-up
int is int
DROP TABLE christmas_dinner
r/dadjokes: hello 14, hello deep, I'm dad
A father catches his daughter having sex with a boy.
His daughter says: "Dad, I'm sorry." He replies: "Hi Sorry, I'm Dad." He then turns to the boy and asks: "What about you? Are you fucking sorry?"
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:’Talking Dog For Sale.’
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep" the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping, I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running… but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars" the owner says. The guy says "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?" The owner said "Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that shit!"
What a clown show
Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?
He was afraid of capitalism!
The other day I was washing the car with my son
He asked me why I couldn’t just use a sponge.
Ah, yes 299,792,458 m/s
Women these days…
Somebody save him!!
I practiced Newton’s 1st law in class a lot
A 15 year old boy turns 16 tomorrow.
He asks his mom for a brand new car so he can drive around, but his mon tells him that if he wants his own car, he'd have to work for it and get it himself. The mom leaves for work the next morning, and when she comes back that night she sees all the street lights in her cul-de-sac covered in bed covers. She goes into her house and finds her son hauling what covers remain out the door. "Jeffrey!" she exclaims, "What the hell do you think you're doing?!" "You don't know?" the kid says, "Sheet posts are the best way to get the car, ma!!"
I can’t believe that even after 15 years of the show ending, people are still making “Friends” references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Trump should not have said “shit-hole countries”.
The correct term is "turd-world countries".
Every morning for the past six months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.
It’s my longest running joke of this year.
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a herbalist living nearby, who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After some discussion with his wife, the man made a visit to the herbalist and handed his voucher over wondering what he was in for. The elderly herbalist handed a potion to the man, and with a grip on his shoulder warned him. "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want." Greatly encouraged, the man turned and started to walk away, then stopped and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" The herbalist replied, "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." Eager to see if it worked the man went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition because we could end up with a dangling participle.
Like if you agree with wife bad!!!!
Why does keeping a fish aquarium calm the brain?
All the indoor fins.
The GOP on gun control
I met my boyfriend while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform…
straightaway I knew he was a keeper
I wanted to become a doctor…
But, I just didn't have the patients…
I asked my friend the baker what is the key to being successful in the business and making good bread…
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind it's tearable.
Grandpop sent this
I was expecting cute dresses…
finally cracked the code
Kinda funny, but kinda sad
😂 Smile with Python
And God shook his head in disgust…
Trump in 2011
Steve jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump
But it’s a silly comparison really, it’s like comparing Apples to Oranges.
hahahha it look like sex 😂
Electoral College Compromise
I’ll never forget my grandfather’s last words…
Stop shaking the ladder you little shit
Some people are really worried about getting trapped in a cave full of minerals
but to me that's just a minor problem
they say a watermelon is 99% water
but it's literally 50%
Homeless in Chicago
Who likes penetration testing?
When is a car no longer a car?
When it turns into a driveway.
Sometimes my genius… It’s almost frightening.
The virus has hit us in ways we don’t even think about
It’s a conversation between me and my 6 y o cousin…Sorry if it is not funny enough for you
him: Knock knock me: Who's there? him: A snail me: a snail who? him: a snail you threw out of the window two weeks ago asking why
I’ve got an injured extraterrestrial in my garage and he’s missing an eye…
I've named him Alen.
seems I will be failing my online exams
It takes great patience when you’re dealing with a Trump supporter
What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?
Diabetes. What? Did you really think I was gonna make a pie joke on my cake day? I waited an entire year to say this
I removed the shell from my racing snail to make it go faster
but it just made it more sluggish.
Small business can be quite rough caw caw
Women can’t control their emotions
I finally told my friend I have been sleeping with his mom…
I have been sleeping with my best friend's Mom now for many years. It has really torn me up as I am pretty sure he suspects it but is something we have never talked about. We have been really good friends now for 20+ years. I feel even worse because of how much he as looked up to me and how much I have helped him through. At this point there is no way I can break it off with his mother. Finally I have decided to tell him over dinner and drinks and I invite his mother to come. I was holding her hand under the table the whole meal (since she sat on my side). We finish the food and I finally just come out and say it: John, I have been sleeping with your mother for the past 20+ years, I don't want it to ruin our friendship. John just looks at me for a solid minute and finally says: Jesus Dad I kind of figured that one out for myself!