I went to a zoo that only had a bunch of pandas
The whole zoo was just one big embarrassment
Because he had loads to do.
Children shouldn't run with scissors and Lesbians shouldn't scissor with the runs
St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is. The Pope: "I am the pope." St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book." The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth." St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me …" The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church …" St. Peter: "The Catholic church … Never heard of it … Wait, I'll check with the boss." St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God. St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth." God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of … Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus) Jesus: "Yes Dad, what's up?" God and St. Peter explain the situation. Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow." Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing. Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I've started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"
Every couple -my 8yr old daughters riddle
it's not hard.
The people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi do.
A year ago, drunk and lonely, I stumbled upon Reddit by mistake when I was looking for RedTube. A year later the difference is obvious; one is a site full of naked people with no self respect, moaning and saying or doing all sorts of degrading things just to get some attention. The other appears to focus mainly on pornography. Thanks for a great first year!
Dad: what should I say instead bull- Wife: Shhh!!! Say snake instead. Dad: [whispers] this is snakeshit
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
Because it's made of hide!
It smells like Teen Spirit.
When do we want them! Nooooooooooowwwwwwwwww
Instead, they got: French Industry, American culture, and British cuisine
but she did migrate to California in 1849.
The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?" Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you." Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?" Helen: "No, the gardener did." Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
I avoid meet.
They don’t want to dialog
There were three POWs together in a British prison in the Second World War, a German, a Japanese, and an Italian.
The British began by torturing the German. After long hours of silence infected by bloodcurdling screams, he talked, and was sent back to the prison, ashamed. He told the others what he had done and urged them to be stronger than he was. They next began torturing the Japanese man. Through all the pain and agony, he stayed strong for three days, but in the end, talked. He was sent back to the prison, having brought shame to himself, his family, and his country. They finally sent in the Italian. For an unending three weeks, they tortured him, until they realized if they did anything else to the poor man, he would die, so they sent him back. When he got back to the prison cell bloody and battered, the other POWs asked him, "So? Did you talk?" "How could I talk with my hands tied behind my back?"
Because it's made of hide
I'm a WATT?? Sorry stole it from a pornhub comment made me laugh
One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all of the state capitals." One of the guys, of course, said, "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?" "N," she answered.
That spoke volumes.
I have contacts
But don’t forget, only 48 hours ago, it was a sadder day.
Because they can't keep a straight face
It had an irrational fear of ping pong balls.
Wii U!!! Wii U!! Wii U!!
Me: "oh, just a bit of light reading"
Bartender says "Wrong joke, yours is across the road"
If it sinks, girl ant and if it floats, buoyant
Dad: Led Zeppelin. Son: Who? Dad: Yes. They were good too.