I went to an auction today where they were selling a cheese grater once owned by both Hitler and Osama Bin Laden.
It was the grater of two evils.
Two cows standing in a field, one says to the other “you worried about that mad cow disease?”
The other cow says "no I'm a penguin"
I always thought it would be difficult to have erectile dysfunction.
But it can't be that hard.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1% of intelligent people
Dad: What are you drinking?
Son: Soy Milk. Dad: Hola Milk, Soy Dad
A Russian, an Ameican, and a British admiral…
…were having a drink on an American aircraft carrier. They were talking about the bravery of their sailors. The Russian said “ I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.” He calls a sailor over and says “Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up”. The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front of the admiral and salutes. The Russian says “ That gentleman is courage" The American says that's nothing.He calls over a PO and says “ I want you to jump off the bows. Swim under the ship to the stern and then return" The PO salutes jumps of the bow swims to the stern and climbs back up to stand in front of the admiral and salutes. The American says “ That gentleman is courage" The British admiral says “ That's nothing. Sailor come here" The matelot comes to attention and salutes. The admiral says “I want you to climb the highest mast on the carrier, jump off, swim under the boat from bow to stern and then from beam to beam then climb up the mast and do it again" The matelot looks at the admiral and says “You can fuck right off" The admiral turns to the other two and says “ And that gentleman is courage"
What do you get when you mix 50% human DNA with 50% goat DNA?
Kicked out of the petting zoo.
How much do dumplings weigh?
Wonton
What do you call pasta with a cold?
Macaroni and sneeze Was told to me by my 3 year old
Shoutout to my Grandpa!
Because that's the only way he can hear.
A police officer pulls over a speeding car…
The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.” The driver says, “Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.” Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don’t be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.” As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?” The wife smiles demurely and says, “You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.” As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “Darn it, woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?” The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.” The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.” The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.” And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, “WHY DON’T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??” The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?” “Only when he’s been drinking.”
I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet
I don’t know y
Son: “Do you want the wooden one or the plastic one?”
Dad: *Getting into row boat* "either oar"
What do you call a dinosaur that takes good care of his teeth?
A floss-o-raptor
Therapists only want one thing
and it's fucking discussing.
Did you hear about the steer that ate a stick of dynamite?
It was abominable!
My dream girl is made of chocolate
I Hershey kisses good too
When I was in Nepal I decided to eat some roadkill. I asked the chef where he got it and
He said “Himalayan on the street.”
Tech summits: the one time the men’s bathroom line exceeds the women’s ( @ silicon slopes)
https://ift.tt/31dtPSO
Why did Buddha start pulling coins out of his butt?
Because change comes from within.
A joke I made up that’s funny only when you look back at it.
This guy shows up to his optometrist and says "I have a weird problem", The Optometrists replies, "What seems to be the trouble?" The guys says, "Everything's blurry. My vision is horrible!" "That's pretty common", the Optometrist replies. "We can certainly fix th…" "Wait! Here's the weird thing though" the guy interrupts, "Everything is blurry. EVERYTHING. Except… People's butts. People's butts, dogs butts, cats butts. Butts! I see butts clearly! What's going on?" The Optometrist smiles and calmly replies, "Listen, you've got nothing to worry about. Everyone knows that hindsight is 20/20."
Teacher: “Kids, what does the chicken give you?”
Student: "Meat!" Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?" Student: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?" Student: "Homework!"
My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type…
As he died, he kept insisting “BE POSITIVE,” but it’s really hard without him.
They say dress for the job you want, not the job you have
My boss still didn’t think a spacesuit was “appropriate work attire”.
My friend couldn’t afford to pay his water bill.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to screw in a light bulb?
To get to the other side.
An Oriental man was sitting in a restaurant in Chinatown when a Jew suddenly came up and tipped a bowl of fried rice over his head.
"That's for Pearl Harbour" , said the Jew. "But I'm Chinese", cried the man. The Jew was unrepentant. "Chinese, Siamese, Japanese, you're all the same!" At this, the Chinaman picked up his plate of sweet and sour chicken and threw it over the Jew. "That's for sinking the Titanic", shouted the Chinaman. "But the Titanic was sunk by an iceberg…" "Goldberg, greenberg, iceberg…"
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
For Christmas, I bought my wife new beads for her abacus.
It's the little things that count!
A little boy told his nursery teacher he found a dead cat.
"How did you know it was dead?" his teacher asked "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move." the boy said. "You did what?!" the teacher shrieked. "You know," the boy explained, "I leaned over and went 'Psst!' in its ear and it didn't move!"
I’ve squirted an entire bottle of No More Tears in my baby’s face… …
and she's still crying. Parenting is hard
How come teddy bears don’t eat anything?
Because they are always stuffed!
There are two reasons you shouldn’t drink toilet water
Number one, and number two
Whats ET short for
It’s because his legs are little
I began reading a horror novel in braille.
Something bad is about to happen; I can feel it.