I went to Borders and asked the blonde for a book about turtles
She said 'hardback?'
So I replied, 'yeah, with 4 legs and little heads'
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Donโt worry about him. Heโs just a product of our times.
Last weekend I went to a dog zoo with my kids.
They only had one dog. It was a Shih Tzu.
When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. “Tarzan not know sex.” he replied.
Jane explained to him what it was. Tarzan said, "Ohhh…Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree." Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground. "Here." she said, pointing to her privates. "You must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her right in the crotch! Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?!" Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."
I donโt mind maths.
But it is graphs where I draw the line.
My last relationship, which was with a cross eyed girl ended.
Because she kept seeing someone else on the side
Donald Trump is exiting the White House and heading into his limo…
…when someone pulls out a gun and aims it at him. A newbie secret service agent, spotting it first yells:"MICKEY MOUSE!". The would be assassin stops in confusion, giving the other agents time to pin down and arrest him. When the press reports were over, the newbies supervisor asks him:"Im confused, why did you shout Mickey Mouse?" "I freaked out" he answers."I meant to shout DONALD DUCK!"
I made a graph showing my past relationships..
It was an ex axis and a why axis.
Do you think oranges become juice willingly
Or are they getting pressured into it?
I told a Coronavirus joke to a group of people
Everyone eventually got it, but the Chinese guy, he got it right off the bat.
A newly deceased Englishman, stands at the pearly gates
St. Peter tells him that he cannot go to heaven right away because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. The Englishman, decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he goes with this woman, pretending to be happy. As he walks along, he sees his friend the Scotsman, up ahead – with an even uglier woman. When he asks whatโs going on, the Scotsman replies โI cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money.โ They both shake their heads in understanding and figure that they might as well hang out together to help pass the time. Now the Englishman, and Scotsman, and their two ugly women are walking along, minding their own business when they see someone who looks like their old friend the Irishman up ahead. This man is with an absolutely gorgeous blonde supermodel. Stunned, the Englishman, and Scotsman approach the man and discover it is their friend the Irishman. They ask him how it is heโs with this unbelievable goddess, while theyโre stuck with these god-awful women. The Irishman replies โI have no idea, but Iโm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life, and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I canโt seem to understand. Everytime we finish having sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself โFucking income taxโ
How do you collect data on how strong a river is?
You make a flowchart
A couple of thugs on a bike, drove past a pedestrian and snatched his bluetooth headphone straight off his ear…
They came back to return it 2 minutes later, when they realised they had stolen his hearing aid.
In laughter the L comes first..
The rest of the letters come aughter it.
There were three guys on a plane
The first guy takes a bite out of an apple and says its too sweet. So he throws it out of the plane. The second guy takes a bite out of a lemon and says its to sour. He also throws it out of the plane. The third guy takes a bite of a grenade and says its too hard. So he too throws it out of the plane. The guys land, and theyโre walking around town. They see a girl crying and ask her why shes crying โAn apple came down and killed my catโ she said They walk some more and see a boy crying He said โa lemon came down and killed my dogโ They then came across a kid laughing really hard. He said โI farted and the guy behind me explodedโ
When I was younger I threw a boomerang and it went super far and out of sight. I always wondered where it went
and then it hit me (i posted this in r/dadjokes like 5 minutes ago but it fits here too)
Why did the Mexican take some Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
I heard a report about a bad outbreak of the tummy bug, apparently 9 out of 10 people there suffered from diarrhea.
I canโt stop thinking about that tenth person who apparently enjoyed it.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
Well, it's not hard.
I had a dream that i was drowning in an ocean of orange soda. . .
But when I woke I realized that it was just a Fanta sea.
I told my wife, “You are so skinny.”
Then I grabbed her by the love handles and said, "Just look at all this skin."
My friend David had his ID stolen.
Now he's just Dave
Two radio antennas fell in love and got married
The wedding wasnโt much but the reception was incredible!
A lady stormed off when I asked about her hand bag.
Maybe the question was to pursonal.
I bought my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday
I know its not the greatest gift, but you should've seen her face light up when she opened it.
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but he wasnโt given the gold medal.
The Chinese authorities refuse to recognize Ty Won.
A big city doctor visits an Native American tribe full of men and he asks “How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?”
"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey. Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc? We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."
I have a friend that is very wealthy and loves to flaunt his possessions.
So much so that it can rub some people the wrong way. He invited my wife and I out for a vacation to his lake house. At one point he had us walk down to the lake so we could see his latest purchase. As he gloated about his new watercraft, my wife whispered to me, โHeโs getting on my nerves.โ I replied, โDonโt mind him; heโs just show boating.โ
Just got my ticket to the Fibonacci convention!
I hear this year is going to be as big as the last 2 put together.
My wife gets me.
https://imgur.com/7qGI8AL