I went to the doctor and he cloned me without my permission.

Because Italics aren't bold

Sometimes you have to take a stand.

So I can say to people "hey look, it's a terrorwrist".

He felt his presents.

Now he’s Aware Wolf!

…is the delivery.

I just wanted to thank everyone here. My mom has been in the hospital with the virus and being able to send her jokes from here has made her laugh (we both really like puns!) so I just wanted to thank y’all for the fun jokes you post. I know it doesn’t seem like much but it has been very nice to be able to share them with her!

As they're hiking a snake bites one of them in the balls Panicking the other friend ran to get help from a park ranger. He asks the ranger what to do. The ranger says you have to tie off the limb really tight to prevent the venom from circulating and suck the venom out of the bite. The guy runs back to his friend who's laying on the ground in agony. He asks what the park ranger said. "Dude you're gonna die"

So this dad likes to listen to his daughter's prayers every time she does them. One night when he is standing by her door, he overhears her say "God bless mom, God bless dad, God bless grandma, and goodbye grandpa." The dad is thinking "Ok that was pretty weird, but whatever." The next morning, he learns that the grandpa DIED. He remembers what his daughter said last night and thinks "Ok umm this could all just be a coincidence" and he thinks nothing of it. A month later and the daughter is doing the prayers again. "God bless mom, God bless dad, and goodbye grandma." Once again, the dad learns the next morning, that the grandma has died from a heart attack. Now he's a little freaked out and thinks "This definitely cannot be a coincidence now, but it still could be, so whatever." A few weeks later, he hears from his daughter's room, again, "God bless mom, and goodbye dad." Now he is totally freaking out because he thinks he's gonna die today. He spends all day being really cautious so he, you know, doesn't die. At 12:00am, he thinks "Yes! I made it! I didn't die!" Once he gets home from work, he goes over and he tells his wife, "Honey, I've had a really bad day today and-" The wife cuts in and says, "Yea me too! The mailman died on our porch!" ~this is my first post so ╮(─▽─)╭ ~

"I don't remember." (Offical dad joke from my dad)

Because they don't have access to black magic.

…Since she can't look sideways anyways…

A unicorn

I put the wrong socks on this morning

A Rogue will pick the lock. A Monk will just use their Ki.

An American walks by, sees what the German is doing and says, "Gross!" The German says, "Danke!"

A priest hooks a huge fish Helping him reel it in, a sailor says “Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!”. “Hey, mind your language!” says the priest. Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, “Sorry father, but that’s what this fish is called, it’s a Fucker fish”. Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church. “Look at this huge fucker” says the priest, spotting the bishop. “Language, please! this is God’s house,” replies the bishop. “No, no that’s what this fish is called, “says the priest. “Oh,” says the bishop, scratching his chin “I could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinner”. So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior. “Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?” he asks her. “My, what language!” she exclaims, clearly shocked. “No, sister that’s what the fish is called – a fucker”, says the bishop. Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, “Wonderful, I’ll cook that fucker tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!” The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it. “Well, I caught the fucker!” says the priest. “And I cleaned the fucker!” says the bishop. “And I cooked the fucker!” says the mother superior. The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says:“ You know what?, You cunts are alright.”

And we’ve been married more than 27 years!

His lawyer, a lawyer bird obviously, visited him. "How bad is it?" The crow asked. "Pretty bad." The lawyer bird replied. "They had a warrant to go through your phone." "So what?" The crow said. "I've got nothing to hide." "They found the texts to your friends." The lawyer bird said. "So now it's a crime to ask my fellow crows to hang?" The crow exclaimed. "They were all to busy anyway" "You're lucky they were." The lawyer bird replied "They've got you on attempted murder!"

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy. "Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife." "That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit." "That'll be me then," said Paddy.

Because light attracts bugs.

"Shhh" I said "There's nothing to confess. Everything is alright." "No, I must die in peace" he said, "I had sex with your sister, your best friend and your co-worker." "I know" I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you… Now close your eyes."

The I.C.U.

No text found

Exactly where you left it.

Two men grow up together, but after college one moves to Maryland and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other. At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch. "Where you wanna go?" "Hooters." "Why Hooters?" "They have those servers with the beautiful bosoms, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs." "You're on." At age 42, they meet and play golf again. "Where you wanna go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Again?  Why?" "They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games." "OK." At age 52 they meet and play again. "So where you wanna go for lunch?" "Hooters. "Why?" "The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking." "OK." At age 62 they meet again. After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?" "Hooters." "Why?" "Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy." "Good choice" At age 72 they meet again. Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Why?" "They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts." "Great choice." At age 82 they meet and play again.  "Where should we go for lunch?" "Hooters." "Why?" "Because we've never been there before." "Okay."

Last night for example, I couldn't fall asleep, because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

I won’t lie, it was a Rocky Road…

I said "Wow! To scale?" He said "No, just to look at"

You can't tell me that's just a coincidence .

2020, 24 hours to go…

He says "Bartender, get me a beer." The bartender says "We don't serve your kind here." The string is pissed. He goes into the alley, twists himself up, messes up his hair, and storms back inside. "Bartender. Get me a beer." The bartender eyes him suspiciously. "Hey, ain't you that string I sent out earlier?" The string shakes his head. "I'm a frayed knot."

it's where I flip your MOM over

Sitting here staring at a post on one of the other pages on reddit for like 2mins, not realizing I was not paying attention nor i was actually reading the post because I was high on weed.