I went to the doctor…
I went to see the doctor the other day. Turns out my new doctor is a drop dead gorgeous brunette.
I was embarrassed but she said “don’t worry, I’m a professional – I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll check it out.”
I said “my wife thinks my dick tastes funny.”
It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Centre. After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show -Claude the Hypnotist! Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude. The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain. "I want you to keep your eyes on this watch," said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see. "It's a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations," said Claude. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "WATCH THE WATCH — WATCH THE WATCH —- WATCH THE WATCH." The audience became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. They were hypnotised. And then suddenly, the chain broke! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact. "SHIT," said Claude. It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens Centre. Claude was never invited there again
Sit on a couch and look comfortable.
Any tips for burying him?
I say "Are any of those gray?" She groans and says "How do you live with yourself?" I respond " I don't, I live with your mother".
When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.
I still don't know if I like self-checkout.
I am starting to finally understand why navy captains go down with the ship
Also why is water so fuckin scary?
A chemical warehouse was robbed at gunpoint, the assailants cleaned out all stores of substances with pH above 7.
"All your base are belong to us"
A snail walks into a car dealership. The car salesman greets the snail politely and asks what he’s looking for. The snail says that he just wants a really fast car and the salesman shows him the ones with a high max speed…
He slaps the roof of one and says, "This is the last one that’s built for speed." The snail says, “This is perfect, but there’s one thing I want you to do first.” The car salesman was confused. “What?” The snail said, “I want you to paint a big red S on it.” The car salesman was even more confused. “Why?” Chuckling, the snail said, “So when people see me driving, they would say, ‘look at that S car go!’”
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
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so he calls a plumber. The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways. The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade, they don't like educated people." The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn't have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th grade education. So they all go to night school. On the first day of night school they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks John, "What is the formula for the area of a circle?" John walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realizes he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn't belong so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation. After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering, "Switch the limits on the integral!"
That's pretty sad considering that I loved her to the core.
He hates capitalism
Over Andover again
Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey
They saw our review. 1 star
A buddy of mine wasn’t feeling well, so I decided to send him 10 of my best puns to make him feel better.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
I wish I could post this in any other sub.
To beat the crowd.
It was a Big Mcsteak
They eventually would.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
I shouted back, “That’s a weird way to start a conversation!”
I found an alien masturbating in my freezer last night. I asked him what on earth he was doing in there.
He said, “I cum in peas.”
He tells the audience he is going to disappear on the count of three, "Uno" "Dos" And then he vanished, and disappeared without a tres
It’s always the centre of a tension.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set all by my self.In a moment of panic,I threw a bedsheet over it
I think I managed to cover my tracks