I went to the doctor…
I went to see the doctor the other day. Turns out my new doctor is a drop dead gorgeous brunette.
I was embarrassed but she said “don’t worry, I’m a professional – I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll check it out.”
I said “my wife thinks my dick tastes funny.”
I went to the store to get eight cans of sprite…
When I got home, I realised I’d only picked seven up.
All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh!
But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme…
[National dad conference]
Speaker: I'm glad you could all make it Whole crowd: in unison hi glad you could all make it We're dad Speaker: *Puts up a pic of ID on big screen showing legal name is "glad you could all make it" entire conference loses their shit
Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten-year-old schoolboy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.
Trump said I need one. I’m the smartest man in the USA and am needed to sort out the problems of the World!’, takes one and jumps. Boris said ‘I’m needed to sort out Britain’. He takes one and jumps. The Pope said ‘I need one as the world needs the Catholic Church.’ He takes one and jumps. Angela said to the ten-year-old: "You can have the last parachute. I've lived my life, yours is only just starting." The 10-year-old replied: "Don’t worry, there are 2 parachutes left, the smartest man in the USA took my school bag."
Her (On Tinder): I’m a model on Instagram! What do you do?
Him: I'm a soldier, on Call of Duty.
When you die, which body part dies last?
The pupils, they dilate.
Friends are like snowflakes:
When you pee on them, they disappear
My girlfriend refuses to use the sauna alone.
Self-steam issues.
Welcome to camouflage training
I’ve got to say I’m disappointed to see so many of you here
Engineer and Anti-vaxxer come to the bridge
Anti-vaxxer says to the engineer: Is it safe to cross the bridge? Engineer: It is 99,97% safe to cross that bridge. Anti-vaxxer: I'd rather swim.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office:
I will find you. You have my Word!
A Firefighter ran into a school holding a screwdriver and yelled…
Quick, everyone get out, this is NOT a drill!
On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride: “I have a confession to make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship.”
“What is it?” his new bride asked lovingly. “I’m a golf fanatic,” he said. “I think about golf constantly. I’ll be out on the golf course every weekend, every holiday, and every chance I get. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always win.” His new bride pondered this for a moment and said: “I thank you for your honesty. Now in the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I’ve concealed something about my own past that you should know about. The truth is, I’m a hooker.” “No problem,” said her husband. “Just widen your stance a little, and overlap your grip, and that should clear it right up.”
As I was racking up to shoot some pool with my son, he said, “Do you wanna break?”
I said, “We just got here. How lazy are you?”
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
3d printers can print guns now!
Not impressed. Had a canon printer for years.
This guy is sitting in a bar when this beautiful super model walks in.
So after a few minutes, the guy walks over to her. He leans in and whispers in her ear " Hey can I smell your pussy?" The girl is irate, and she screams at him "What is wrong with you?! That's disgusting! How could you say that?!! NO! You cannot smell my pussy!!!" and the guy says " oh, well I guess it's your feet."
The exact moment a “states rights” president claims total authority over them.
https://ift.tt/3eiMGlz
Boss told me as a security guard it’s my job to watch the office
I'm on season six, don't know what it has to do with security though.
Recently took a poll.
99% of people were annoyed when their tent fell down.
Color vs Colour, Favorite vs Favourite, Neighbor vs Neighbour
British English: I think you're having problem understanding these words. American English: no u
Dad! Why do my friends in Europe call me Kilometers?
Because they use the metric system there, Miles.
[NSFW] What’s the difference between this morning and my bosses daughter?
I'm not coming in this morning.
“Hey! I heard China just legalized same-sex marriage!”, says a white man to a Chinese national.
"No we didn't.", replies the Chinese national. "But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!" "No… Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"
Wanna hear a joke about the ozone layer?
[depleted]
If a woman from Cuba marries a man from Iceland
Are their children called ice cubes?
I want a divorce…
I told The the judge. “All my wife does every night is go out bar after bar” “What is she doing” the judge replied “Looking for me”
My wife told me to take the spider out
We had a good night, he was nice, wants to be a web developer
I ordered a jokebook from Amazon the other week and I’m still waiting for it to arrive.
Sorry if this wasn't very funny to read out on Reddit. Most of my jokes are all in the delivery.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had 4 they'd be called chicken sedans.