I went to the doctor’s yesterday and told him that I kept thinking I was Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck. With a look of concern, he asked…
“How long have you been having these Disney spells?”
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?
He won the no bell prize.
A one-man police department was disbanded. The chief left the town meeting in his underwear
https://ift.tt/2SJYMM4
Condoms do not Guarantee safe sex
Last week a friend of mine was wearing a condom, when the women’s husband came home and shot him dead
Old man and the prostitute [NSFW]
A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ years old man walking past. She hasn't had a customer for a while so she whistles at him and says, "hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?" The old man said, "but I won't be able to…" Prostitute: "c'mon man…. give it a try… " Old man says okay. They go in. The old man whips out his 8 incher and fucks the daylights out of her for 30 minutes. When he's done, the prostitute all exhausted and tired says, "but you said you won't be able to…." "…pay you" replied the old man.
I‘ve been trying to open the bra of my girlfriend for 20 minutes now…
I wish I had never put it on.
Girl 1: Mother, why is my name Rose?
Mother: Because when you were just a precious little baby, a rose fell off a tree and onto your head. Girl 2: But mother, why am I named Blossom? Mother: Well my darling, same with you; a blossom blew from a tree and onto your head. Girl 3: Mufaghh ma waafaa maaa? Mother: How about you stop fucking complaining, Coconut?
My wife kicked me out of the house because I’m still singing Christmas songs.
I said, "But Baby, its cold outside."
How are women like swimming pools?
They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside.
Anyone else?
Anyone else?
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 1 minute all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
What is the definitions of a will?
You guys should know this one, it’s easy, a dead giveaway.
Later at the trial: I object that HE interrupted me when I was watching Ow My Balls!
Later at the trial: I object that HE interrupted me when I was watching Ow My Balls!
two antennas met on a roof, feel in love and got married.
the wedding wasn't much to speak of, but the reception was excellent.
Atheism and Religion are two sides of the same coin.
One relies on heads while the other is just based on tales.
What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion?
One electron.
The word ‘Diputseromneve’ may look ridiculous,
But backwards it’s even more stupid.
One piece of advice my dad always gave me is to learn early from your mistakes.
Probably why I’m the only child.
Orion’s Belt is a huge waist of space.
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Last weekend I went to see my gf’s soccer match and she did this awesome save…
…She's definitely a keeper! EDIT: This is the first joke I make up myself as a non-native speaker. I'm proud.
What do you call a hippies’ wife?
Mississippi
Naked painting
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
When a short person waves at you….
Its called a microwave
How do you count People from Mississippi
1 Mississippi 2 Mississippi 3 Mississippi
I’d tell a Jonestown joke, but
the punchline is too long
I’m thinking of throwing my theremin away…
I don’t even touch it
I just spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could do.
I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday.
I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
Did you hear the one about the Jew?
Israeli funny
A Texan and a Mexican walk into a bar and order a beer
Bartender to the the Texan: That will be $5 Bartender to the Mexican: That will be $3 The Texan, upset, asks why the same beer cost less for the Mexican The Bartender replies, "Señor Discount"