I went to the library and asked the librarian if she knew where books on paranoia were.
She said "They're right behind you".
The guy at the counter asked my dad "are you going to put it up yourself?" To which my dad responded "don't be disgusting… I'm going to put it in the living room."
I said selling fruit and vegetables is grocer
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I can't stop coming to conclusions.
It was a joint operation
I wasn't putting in enough shifts
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
I just had a really tasty leg of salmon and I feel fine…
Not really relaxing, as my eyes are in pain, but I managed to make out, "60 Watts – Made in China."
There’s no F in way.
The captain was standing on the deck!
They are a big part of pop culture
This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!” My eyes lit up and I thought, “This is my lucky day!
Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table! Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove. More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."
Every year, the team was in the state championship game, and usually won it handily. Every able lad within a few hundred miles wanted to play football for Central Catholic Fighting Knights. Those who were familiar with the program, knew that the true heart and soul of the Knights football program was Sister Mary Margaret, an aged nun who would, in full habit, get out on the practice field and work on routes with the receivers, give pointers to the quarterbacks on their stances and releases, but most of all, love them like the second mother that she became to all of the boys in that program. One year, on the eve of the state championship game, some evil malefactors broke into the convent and kidnapped Sister Mary Margaret. Everyone was stunned by the news, but none more so than the Knights of Central Catholic. They were devastated at the loss of their mentor. As you might guess, the state championship game didn't go very well. For the first time in the history of the football program, the Knights were shut out. The Spartans beat them 42-0. The next day, the headline on the local sports section read: No Offense, Nun Taken
He's the pitcher.
Smiles. Because there’s a mile between the two S’s.
Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?
A spelling bee!
He’ll be born in February.
…before I got arrested I said "wait I can explain everything
honoring the longstanding tradition of police turning off their cameras.
Me, to my wife: “that’s stupid. I would think most women only need to have them removed once!”
A Frenchman, and Englishman, and a Soviet are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.
The Frenchman says, “They must be French, they’re naked and they’re eating fruit.” The Englishman says, “Clearly, they’re English; observe how politely the women is offering fruit to the man.” The Soviet replies, “No, they are Russian communists, of course. They have no house, nothing to wear, little to eat, and they think they are in Paradise.
Halfway through the terrifying ordeal, I couldn't help but think to myself, "He's giving me a good run for my money.
That’s chicken, beef and vegetable. Soon I will be a bouillionaire!
A farmer quickly purchased land in a low lying depression, and began raising donkeys there. He did so with skill, and the donkeys rarely got away.
In other words, he hauled ass to amass asses in a hole asset, whole-ass not half-ass, lassoed the asses so they wouldn't by pass the ass hole.
They’re free of charge if you’re interested.
I chuckled and shook my head, "No, I'm the guy who takes the longest baths in the city!"
A bear and a tiger seeking revenge.