I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it’s a good thing I did…

Raw men

El Disablo

Oops, wrong place for this post.

Edit: *2020

Winter boasts, "Well, you can build snowmen and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!" Spring laughs, "Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!" Summer rays, "Yes, but I am undoubtedly the overall best season! Girls in bikinis, ice cream, nice weather. You can't top that. What about you autumn, what do you have to offer?" Autumn ~-leaves-

rolls around in the dirt and cross back? A dirty double crosser.

In hindsight, paper would have been better.

So my Mom explained that was silly, because they're much more scared of me.

Fall was upon this remote reservation when the tribe asked their new Chief what the coming winter was going to be like. The modern day Chief had never been taught the secrets of the ancients. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Better safe than sorry, he said to himself and told his tribe that the winter was indeed expected to be cold and that the members of the village should stock up on firewood to be prepared. After several days, our modern Chief got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "It's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

Son, why did you buy me 55 birthday cards?!

No offense.

He wanted to be a sue chef.

A pack of feral hogs

Sir you are on a train

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich bird behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke' The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same' Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress. 'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?" Says the man, "Well, several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. The first wish I asked was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." The waitress said "That's brilliant! Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live. How smart of you!'' "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount of money is always there" says the man proudly. The waitress asks, "But, what's that ostrich all about?" The man sighs, pauses and answers with a heavy heart, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who accompanies me wherever I go and agrees with everything I say".

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck." "Yep," replies the duck. "And you can talk!" exclaims the barman. "Yep again”, says the duck, "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly, sorry about that”, says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road,"explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer." The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him, "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call." So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money." "I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck. "Where is it?" “At the circus," Says the barman. "The circus?" Repeats the duck. "That's right," replies the barman. "The circus?" The duck asks again, “with the big tent?" "Yeah," the barman replies. "With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck. "Of course," the barman replies. "And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck. "That's right!" says the barman. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ……. "What the fuck would they want with a plasterer?"

Really, I was quite lucky my older brother told me about it.

It was a day well spent

"Ma'am", he said, removing his hat, "I'm here about your husband. We have bad and good news". "Please, give me the bad news first", the woman replies. The officer replied: "I'm sorry, but somone stabbed your husband, cut his skin off and threw his corpse in the harbor." The woman began wailing, and crumpled to her knees. Utterly despondent she begged the cop: "Please, what could possibly be the good news?" He replied: "Well Ma'am, when we pulled him up he had 20 four-pound lobsters crawling on him. Would you like one?" Sobbing even louder, the woman shouted: "How DARE you! I've never been so insulted in my entire life!" The officer replied: "Well, if you change your mind, we're pulling him up again tomorrow morning."

Ones a Goodyear. The other is a great year.

"Norway in hell Epstein killed himself!"

One of them is a slimy, loathsome creature incapable of complex thought, the other one actually shows up when it rains.