I went to the shop and bought a thesaurus but when I got home, when I opened it, all the pages were blank.
I had no words to describe how angry I was.
A man sees a lady in a bar with a large bosom…
He asks, "Excuse me, can I bite your tits for a thousand dollars?" She says, "Hell yea!" So they go to a secluded corner, and she opens her blouse. The man puts his face in her tits for nearly five minutes. Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He says, "Nah, it's too expensive."
Peter is invited to dinner with his girlfriend’s family.
Before dinner, Peter goes into a Pharmacy says to the pharmacist "Hello, could you give me a Condom? I'm going to my girlfriend's place for dinner and I think I may have a shot". The Pharmacist gives him the condom. As he was exiting, he stepped back in to the Pharmacy and said ”Give me another condom because my Girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She's always flirting with the way she crosses her legs and I might have a chance there too". The pharmacist gave him a second condom. As Peter was leaving, he turns back one more time and says "Give me one more condom. Her mum is still pretty cute and she always tries to get my attention with the way she sways her hips or licks her lips". The pharmacist gave him a third condom. During dinner, Peter sat down with his Girlfriend on his left, her sister on his right and her mum facing him. Once her father enters the room, Peter repectfully lowers his head and starts the dinner prayer "Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you've given given us". Ten minutes later, Peter is still praying "Thank you Lord for your kindness. ….". More time goes by and he's still praying, his head down close to the table. The rest of the family keep looking at each other surprised. His girlfriend eventually moves in close and whispers "I didn't know you were so religious?". Peter, with his head still on the table replies "I didn't know your father was a Pharmacist".
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?
So we can think about a solution in silence.
Why is 6 disgusted by 7?
Because 7pm.
What body of water do tees like to swim in?
The Golf of Mexico
I saw a man with one arm shopping at a second hand store.
I told him "you're not going to find what you're looking for."
There is this rumor about Apple buying off Reddit.
It's not me, iReddit somewhere.
I have a joke about math.
But I’m 2² to say it.
I left a bunch of barbed wire and posts out the front of my house in suggestive poses
I hope nobody takes a fence.
Little Johnny
One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough." The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No" said Little Johhny. "Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied. The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself.
One time I bought shoes from a drug dealer..
I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
I asked my dad how can i satisfy a girl with a small dick.
He told me to give her a handjob.
Thanos’ finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.
Apparently only DC movies can do that.
I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog…
Two surgeons are in an operating room…
One has a large cut. The second surgeon asks “would you like me to stitch that up for you?” The first surgeon says “no thanks, I’d prefer to close my own wound” The second surgeon replies “suture self”
Three couples check into a hotel for their honeymoons.
The man at the front desk has a game he likes to play. When the first couple checked in, he asked the bride what her job was. She said she was a maid. The man thought to himself "Maids are hot. This guy's going to have a fun honeymoon." When the next couple checked in, he asked the bride the same question. She told him she was a nurse. The man at the front desk thought "nurses are even sexier. This guy's going to get laid." The third couple checked in right after. The same question was asked. The bride said she was a high school teacher. The man behind the desk scoffed. "Teachers are so strict." He thought. "They'll probably go right to bed." Just an hour later, the first groom came down to eat. "Already? I thought you'd be spending the night with your new wife." Said the man "I tried!" Replied the groom. "But she insisted on tidying up the room." Another hour passed, and the second groom came down to get some food. The man asked "What are you doing down here so early?" And the groom said "Every time I tried to have sex with her, she just told me I wasn't clean enough." The man expected the third groom to come down soon, but he never did. He waited for hours and how's. Right near the end of his shift, the man finally saw the third groom come down, looking extremely tired. "There you are!" Said the man. "Did you get enough sleep?" "I never slept." Replied the groom. "My wife kept saying "We're going to do this again and again until you get it right."
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
How did Jesus stay so ripped?
Pontius Pilates and CrossFit
Last night I dreamt I was a muffler
I woke up exhausted
Why isn’t PI fun at parties?
He just goes on forever
I’ve just been stopped in the street by a lady conducting a survey.
She asked me what i knew about dwarfs…….I said "very little."
Picture this: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas.
Global chaos ensues. The disease wipes out 99% of humanity, and the desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
My wife thinks I don’t give her enough privacy.
At least that's what she said in her diary.
I’ve fallen in love with a pencil and we’re getting married
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B
What’s faster, cold or hot?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Who has two thumbs and loves Peter Pan?
Not Captain Hook.
When I was learning to drive, my driving instructor told me that I should wear a seatbelt because if I were to crash, the force could throw me out of the car.
I can’t believe that the fool thinks Star Wars is real.
I spent a summer working on a rabbit farm…
It was a hare raising experience…
My bald dad commented on my hair earlier.
He said I had hair like an emo. He wasn’t too happy when I said he had hair like a chemo.
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said: “I’m off duty in 10 minutes – meet me in the car park.”
I dig, You dig, He digs, She digs, We dig, They dig.
Its not a long poem but its very deep