I went to the shop and bought a thesaurus but when I got home, when I opened it, all the pages were blank.
I had no words to describe how angry I was.
Guys who try to pick up girls through Reddit are pathetic
Ladies if you agree with me message me your number and we can discuss it more. Maybe over dinner or a movie or something.
Don’t be worried about your smart phone or laptop spying on you.
Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt from you for years.
I’m not very good at dad jokes, but here goes nothing
No text found
I just pooped in the elevator
And i took that shit to the next level
Why is the dark side of the moon dry?
Because the other side has all the moonshine
Did you hear about these new reversible jackets?
I’m excited to see how they turn out!
Scientist walks into bar with an apple…
He sits down and the bartender says, "what's the apple for?" Scientist says "I made this apple taste like a screwdriver. Here, try it." The bartender grabs it and takes a bite. "Woah! Tastes like vodka!" "Turn it around," the scientist says. The bartender turns it around and takes another bite. "Tastes like orange juice! This is amazing! Now if only you could make it taste like pussy!" The scientist gives a look as he stands up and leaves the bar. The bartender feels bad assuming he offended the scientist. Several months later the scientist comes running into the bar screaming, " I did it! I did it! I made this apple taste like pussy!" Excited the bartender grabs it out of his hand and takes a bite. Groaning with disgust he spits it out all over the floor. "Yuck this tastes like shit!" The scientist smiles and says," turn it around."
An IRL dad joke
My dad and I are going out tonight and I asked if he could pick me up. He said "I think so – I've been working out!"
A son asks his dad, “Tell me a joke!”
And his dad replies, "Pussy!" The son tells him, "I don't get it…" And his dad says, "I know you don't."
Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side
![[pun request] sailor moon and art](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/no_image_card-30-400x247.png)
God said to John, “come fourth and you will receive eternal life”,
John came fifth and won a toaster.
All countries will get the corona virus eventually…
China just got it right off the bat…
The tailor at the tuxedo shop was constantly trying to measure me, so I asked him to leave me alone.
He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”
A man walked into his doctor’s office…
…complaining that he thinks he might have a tapeworm. The doctor made a physical examination and listened to the symptoms, and concurred with the self-diagnosis. "I want you to come back tomorrow to start treatment. And bring an apple, and an orange and a Mars Bar" said the doctor. Despite the seemingly odd request, he complied and returned the next day with an apple, an orange, and a Mars Bar. The doctor then said, "Okay, now drop your pants and bend over. This is going to hurt a bit." Although stunned by the turn of events, the patient dropped his pants and bent over. With one deft motion, the Doctor rammed the apple up the guy's arse, swiftly followed by the orange and the Mars Bar. While the doctor consulted his watch, our hero danced around the room shouting at the doctor. "Okay, I want to see you here at the same time every day for the rest of the week, and bring another orange, apple and Mars Bar." said the doctor. The now humbled patient, with tears of pain in his eyes, nodded his head. All week the same routine ensued. First, the doctor rammed up an apple, then an orange, and then a Mars Bar After one full week of treatment, the doctor finally said, "Well, tomorrow is the LAST day of treatment. I want you to bring in an apple, and orange and a hammer." "No Mars Bar?" asked the very frightened patient, trying to imagine what a hammer was going to feel like. "Nope, a hammer." confirmed the doctor. On the last day, the doctor said, "Okay, you know the routine". So the man dropped his pants and bent over. UP went the apple, and up went the orange. One minute passed. Then two minutes. Three. Four minutes passed. Finally, the worm's little head poked out of the patient's arse. "WHERE'S MY FUCKING MARS BAR??" "WHAM!!!"
Who is Stan?
And how did he get so many countries named after him?
What happens when an atheist prays?..
The same thing that happens when a Christian does.
I’ve just bought the personalized number plate BAA BAA…
For my black jeep…
After 20 years of working on it, I finally finished my physics book.
It was about time.
My deaf girlfriend just told me “I think we need to talk.”
That’s not a good sign.
One day, an old woman was walking with two big plastic bags.
One of the bags had a small tear, and 20$ bills kept on falling from the bag. A policeman saw this and he stopped her. Policeman: Madam, you are dropping 20$ bills Old lady: Oh thank you so much, sir. ( Starts picking up the bills ) Policeman: Btw, where did you get all of this money? Did you steal? Old lady: Well, it's a long story. You see, what happened was, my house is next to a golf course. There is a hole on my fence. People keep coming and they pee in my garden from the hole. One day, I thought why not take this opportunity to make some money? So when they start pissing, I grab their penis and tell them to give 20$ bills or I will chop it off! This is how I earned these 20$ bills, officer. Policeman: Good to know. By the way, what's in the other bag? Old lady: Well not all of them pay.
I said to the judge, “60% of my parking tickets are bogus!”
He said, “Repeat infractions?” I said, “Okay, 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!”
My mother used to say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach…
Lovely woman, useless surgeon…
What did the preacher say at the vegetable mass?
“Lettuce pray for peas on Earth.” Then “Why do I bother with puns, everyone here’s brain dead.”
Why did the doctor get angry ?
Because he lost his patients .
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends COP: What would you call that group? CROW: …I want a lawyer
It’s easy to prevent women from eating tide pods
But it’s harder to deter gents
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller!
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.
I do it to remind myself why there is no money in there.
A dad was depressed, so he went to the liquor store
He bought some whiskey, and tequila When he got home, he set them on the table His son immediately picked up both bottles The dad asks "What are you doing?!" The son responds "You were sad, so I'm lifting your spirits"
I’ll never forget my dogs last words…
“You took too much acid.”
My dad asked me why there was a lion and a witch in the wardrobe?
I said its Narnia business
