I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper told me it was bread in captivity
Roommate: If you keep stealing all my kitchen utensils than I’m moving out!
Me: That's a whisk I'm willing to take.
My shoe split at work today
I knew this job would take my sole
Found out I was color blind the other day.
That one came right out of the orange.
This panda is hurt!
Quick! Someone call the bamboolance.
My mother died a few years ago. I recently came across her death certificate and had a brilliant idea!
"I know how we can bring mom back!" I exclaimed. "Get me a Sharpie!" My sister, looked at me confused, "Why?" I pointed to the border of the certificate, "It says 'void if altered'!" (This actually happened and my sister didn't find it very funny. But we each deal with grief our own ways…)
Me: See? To prove I’m not a boring house dad I went and got a tattoo!
Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh? Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work! Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly.. Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.
I used a penny stamp to mail a love note. But instead of writing it, I only sprayed it with my favorite cologne.
With a cent, I sent a scent.
We have a friend who likes to have sex with inanimate objects, but we havenโt seen him for a long time.
He always has stuff to do.
r/PoliticalHumor 2019 Best Of Awards!
It’s time for Reddit’s Best of 2019 Awards.What a year it’s been here in r/politicalhumor, thanks to everyone for participating.Make your nominations here and/or upvote your favorites.You are welcome to categorize your nominations, i.e:Best PostBest CommentBest of YearOnly one nomination per comment. Please do not nominate yourself. You may only nominate submissions made in 2019.This thread is set to contest mode which sorts comments randomly and hides vote scores. In January, the votes will be tallied and a results thread will be posted. We will give reddit gold to the top submissions!
Everyone thinks Iโm weird because Iโm addicted to ham and pineapple sandwiches.
But thatโs just Hawaii roll.
Sometimes I wonder what my parents did for fun before the internet.
I asked my 32 brothers and sisters, but they didn't know either.
As a Mathmatician…
I will stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.
What is it called when two redheads have a baby?
Ginger-bred!
Why did the protons vote for Harry Potter to be president?
Because they didn't want to elect ron
Dad jokes are at all all-time high during quarantine times
Analysts say it's the worst pundemic ever recorded in modern history.
The man saw a woman standing sheepishly in the corner, avoiding his gaze. He could tell she had butterflies in her stomach as he walked over to her. He took her by the hand, and led her to the door.
Saying "YOU ARE HEREBY BANNED FROM THE BUTTERFLY EXHIBIT YOU SICK FUCK!"
Donโt be mad at lazy people
They didnโt do anything
A woman was in a coma for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.ย They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement.ย They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."ย The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.ย After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.ย The nurses run back into the room. "What happened?!"ย The husband said, "I think she choked."
What do you call a German virus?
A germ.
Excuse me, doctor – my husband was rushed in with violent spasms in his buttocks. Where is he please?
ICU baby, shaking that ass
I didnโt think vodka could help my problems
But it was worth a shot
Since I’ve installed Adblock Plus
All the girls in my area suddenly lost their interest in me.
Sex is like math
You add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and pray you don't multiply
John OโReilly hoisted his beer and said, โHereโs to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!โ
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, โI won the prize for the Best toast of the nightโ She said, โAye, did ye now. And what was your toast?โ John said, โHereโs to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.โ โOh, that is very nice indeed, John!โ Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of Johnโs drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, โJohn won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.โ She said, โAye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, heโs only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.โ
Yo mama so fat
We are all concerned for her health, Kevin.
I asked a girl to rate me out of 10 the other day
She said "you're an 8 on a scale of 10" I still don't understand why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton
What did the police say to his bellybutton
Your under a vest