I went to this party dressed as a corpse with my wife. It was a terrible party.
"Jesus," said my wife. "Look alive, will you!"
What does a horny frog say
Rubbit
Why should you never tell a secret in the country?
The potatoes have eyes The corn has ears And the beans are all stalkers
How do mathematicians get rid of constipation?
They work it out with a pencil.
BJ for Sore Throat
"You don't look so good today, Bambi," said Barbie. "You're right," said Bambi. "I feel like I'm coming down with something. My throat really hurts." Barbie suggested, "You know, whenever I have a sore throat I give my husband oral sex and the next day I feel great." Bambi carefully considered this. The next day Barbie noticed that Bambi looked better. "You look much better today. Did you take my suggestion?" Bambi replied, "I sure did. It worked great. And your husband just couldn't believe that it was your idea!"
He really pinned Jim Jordan on the mat here, & I don’t think he’s getting up.
https://ift.tt/2NMRNzn
My son got good grades in all his classes except Greek Mythology
That's always been his Achilles Elbow
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my ass and film the whole thing.
Or as my doctor insists on calling it, a colonoscopy
6 was scared of 7 because 7,8,9 but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.
Why did Karen press control alt delete?
She wanted to speak to the task manager.
Due to Political correctness Dick Van Dyke is having to change his name
He’ll now been known as Penis Truck Lesbian
What is the German word for constipation ?
Fahrfrahmpoopin
My buddy spider really has his future planned.
He wants to become a web designer.
My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type…
As he died, he kept insisting “BE POSITIVE,” but it’s really hard without him.
[first day as a pilot]
me: (looking down nervously) what are all these buttons for co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Whenever a homeless person asks me for money, I admit my first thought is always, “This money’s just going to get spent on booze or drugs.”
That's why I always give it to the homeless person instead.
I’m secretly a really cool person, but I can’t let anyone know.
I'm incogneato.
It takes guts
To be an organ donor
When I was young, my dad used to tear up the last page of all my comic books and never told me why.
I had to draw my own conclusions.
My wife didn’t think I’d give our daughter a silly name.
But I called her Bluff.
Sex on the job
Client: "Why did you have sex with her?!" Employee: "She was just lying there naked! What else was I supposed to do?" Client: "The autopsy! The fucking autopsy!" Employee: "I don't tell you how to do your job; don't tell me how to do mine!" Client: "You're the worst veterinarian of all time!"
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, saying “this isn’t working anymore”
I open the fridge and it’s working fine WTF
I was really bored, so I decided to memorize six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.
It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”
Why fight over subsbtance when you can instead weaponize symbolic cultural grievances?
https://ift.tt/33wJVXH
Just got back from the Transformers convention
and boy are my arms tires.
You’ve seen Garfield on a Monday, now what about Garfield on a Tuesday?
You’ve seen Garfield on a Monday, now what about Garfield on a Tuesday?
My wife insisted that I read “Pride and Prejudice”, but I said no.
I’m too good for it, and I have a feeling that the book will lecture me.
Whats the difference between Me and a Calendar ?
a Calendar has dates.
Sausage jokes. They’re the wurst, aren’t they?
No text found
I’ve never actually seen someone use a newspaper to kill a spider, shoes work better
https://ift.tt/3bGffYi
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”
At a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little
“Nervous.” Asked the interviewer. “No, I always give 110%”
What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
One has a pause at the end of its clause and one has claws at the end of its paws.
Why does listening to FM radio hurt?
Because Mega Hertz