Europe is like a fridge
You have the freezing cold part at the top Then in the middle, you have cheese, cold meat, and a good drinks selection Then down the bottom corner, there's just turkey and grease
Why doesn’t Kim Jong Un have a girlfriend?
Because he's too focused on his Korea.
Cashier: Would you like to donate $2 to end world hunger?
Me: Of course. Holy shit, I had no idea we were that close.
Why does the Norway Navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back they can Scandinavian.
My dad said he’s going to a concert.
Me: Hey dad, where are you off to? Dad: I'm heading out to a Korean boy-band show. Me: KPOP?! Dad: Yes, I'm fine.
What is blue and doesn’t weigh much?
Light blue.
While most puns make me feel numb,
mathematics puns make me feel number.
Me: Did you hear about the actor who got stabbed?
You: Who? Me: Reese You: Witherspoon? Me : Nah, with a knife
Scientists removed the right half of a man’s brain…
…and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten." Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine." The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again to count to ten. The man said, "look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one-believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you – let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"
What does a Hawaiian Muslim say?
Aloha Akbar
Whats the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but the people in Abu Dhabi dooo!
Jewish coming out
Yosef walks up to his mother. "Imma, I want you to know that I am homosexual and I will marry my boyfriend, Raul." After a long awkward silence she frowns. "Raul? That is not a Jewish name!"
The secret service doesn’t yell “Get down!” anymore when the President is about to be attacked.
They now yell “Donald, Duck!”
I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop…
I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors…
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.
It's impossible to put down.
A man and his wife are in bed, the man is really horny and wants to have sex, but the woman just wants to read her book, so she refuses.
the man, frustrated, jumps out of bed and goes down to the basement, and when he returns to bed, he's holding a sheep. The man says "this is the pig i cheat on you with when you're busy" . the women looks at him and says "honey, that's a sheep in your hands". The man turns to her and says " I wasn't talking to you".
A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.
In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.” The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket. “Very good,” said the teacher. Next, Mary said, “We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks.” The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they’re hatched . “Very good,” said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far. Next it was Barney’s turn to tell his story: “My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.” “Go on,” said the teacher, intrigued. “Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to prepare herself. Then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.” “Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “What did your father say was the moral of that frightening Story?” The child said: “Stay away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking.”
I won $3 Milllion on the lottery
I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75 left.
Damn girl are you a reddit user?
Because you give me the same fucking shit, day after day!
Son: I’m gay, Dad.
Dad: No, I’m gay Dad. Dad #2: No, I’m gay dad.
A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up.
“I have an idea,” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. “If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.” So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they’re hiding. The boy saunters over to the coffee table. He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down. He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down. He picks up the Bible, leafs through it, and sets it down. Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey, and walks off with the Bible under his arm. “Well, how do you like that!” exclaims the father. “He’s going to be a politician!”
For real tho
For real tho
People say i look better without glasses
But i just can't see it.
My science teachers response whenever I fill up a cup of water with no safety goggles
https://ift.tt/3b9An9b
Since it started snowing, all my grandma has done is stare through the window.
If it gets any worse ill need to let her back in.
There was recently a new type of mite discovered, and its existence might date back to prehistoric times
They're naming it dinomite
“I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework.” Rolling his eyes, my computer science professor shot back, “Really?! Your dog ate your coding assignment?”
"Well, to be perfectly honest, it did take him a couple bytes."
Even though 3D games are common, sometimes I like to play 2D games still. But never 1D games.
That's where I draw the line.
John, the second least popular kid in our class tried to act over smart…
So, John decides to come up to me one day – out of the blue – and tries to up his status among the class by picking on the one kid that had no friends – again, me. “So, I saw your father yesterday.” This was curious. I knew my father was at work, so it was highly unlikely that John would have happened to cross paths. “You did?” I asked. “Did you see him… at work?” “Yes, I did,” John said, haughtily. “And I told him all the embarrassing things that you do in class.” What an odd way to phrase that, I thought. “Uh huh,” I said. “That’s odd, because he didn’t mention anything last night when he got home.” “Well, maybe that’s because he was so shocked by what I told him,” John said, doubling down. “Tell me, John,” I said, slowly. “Did you just run into him at work, or were you a patient?” John, obviously not expecting this question, answered. “I was a patient.” I nodded. “That’s interesting, John.” “Why?” “Because my father is a gynecologist.”
Sam walks into his boss’s office.
“Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I have over three companies after me, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.” After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 5% raise, and Sam happily gets up to leave. “By the way”, asks the boss as Sam is getting up, “which three companies are after you?” “The electric company, water company, and phone company”, Sam replied.
I like telling dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs
A manager announces to his staff, “I’ve lost a wallet with 500 dollars, if you find it, I’m offering a 100 dollars finder’s fee!”
A voice in the background says, “I’m offering 200!”
My marriage is like a fairytale
A witch is waiting for me at home
A Frenchman, and Englishman, and a Soviet are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.
The Frenchman says, “They must be French, they’re naked and they’re eating fruit.” The Englishman says, “Clearly, they’re English; observe how politely the women is offering fruit to the man.” The Soviet replies, “No, they are Russian communists, of course. They have no house, nothing to wear, little to eat, and they think they are in Paradise.
What do you call a sunburnt Irishman?
A baked potato.
Up next: How to sound good in a band…
Stay tuned!!
Never try to fight a dinosaur…
You’ll get Jurasskiced
I thought about inventing a pencil with an eraser at both ends.
But I didn't see the point.
My parents disapprove of my new job
I was hired as a security guard for the fruit importer, keeping watch on a shipment of oranges, but my parents said I claimed just Naval gazing!
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says "how did you do that?"
When the dev team has to find a critical PROD bug without repro steps from tester
https://ift.tt/2UNKGsJ